I dont know why I keep letting the same thing happen to me over and over again. I really just feel like my heart and soul are disintigrating and only a few fragments of it are left. I dont really know much about joy, about feeling good.. like feeling really good .. like about myself or my situation.. like i used to have hope. I used to feel the sparkle in my eyes when id talk about what I wanted to do with my life, what i wanted out of life. Its gone now. I feel like i am trapped in a deep dark tunnel with no light, and not knowing if im going up or down further. I honestly dont know how much further i possibly could go. Why do I let him keep doing this to me? Why? Why cant I be strong enough to say 'Im gone" and follow through? Why do I feel like I have to stay? I dont know what it is. I dont know why I do it.. but I cant go. I care cause it hurts.. but i dont care cause im used to it.. or something. ..no... thats not it. I care.. i care both ways. I care cause i am used to it and that bothers me. But why am i so afraid? Have I let him manipulate me so much to where i dont think ill be any better away from him? That might be it..

What I need is a real person... a real "knight in shining armor"... someone to come to me, grab my hand, look in my eyes, tell me I am beautiful, strong, and do not deserve what i am going through cause I have been through so much already, and hug me tightly, then tell me that Ill be ok and take me and my kids away. Thats what i need but i know its childish to think that could or would ever happen. I feel so low.

Oh and its my golden birthday on the 25th. ... but it doesnt even really matter.