Im finally getting a divorce. I have to wait till I get back to wisconsin to file and all that but thats fine with me. As long as it happens. There is a TON of drama that im just.. well it kinda sucks to say it all, but its kind of rocky. Need to find someone to drive up to wisconsin with me and the kids and the dog. its too rough of a trip to take on my own so yea.

I dont know why I keep letting the same thing happen to me over and over again. I really just feel like my heart and soul are disintigrating and only a few fragments of it are left. I dont really know much about joy, about feeling good.. like feeling really good .. like about myself or my situation.. like i used to have hope. I used to feel the sparkle in my eyes when id talk about what I wanted to do with my life, what i wanted out of life. Its gone now. I feel like i am trapped in a deep dark tunnel with no light, and not knowing if im going up or down further. I honestly dont know how much further i possibly could go. Why do I let him keep doing this to me? Why? Why cant I be strong enough to say 'Im gone" and follow through? Why do I feel like I have to stay? I dont know what it is. I dont know why I do it.. but I cant go. I care cause it hurts.. but i dont care cause im used to it.. or something. ..no... thats not it. I care.. i care both ways. I care cause i am used to it and that bothers me. But why am i so afraid? Have I let him manipulate me so much to where i dont think ill be any better away from him? That might be it..

What I need is a real person... a real "knight in shining armor"... someone to come to me, grab my hand, look in my eyes, tell me I am beautiful, strong, and do not deserve what i am going through cause I have been through so much already, and hug me tightly, then tell me that Ill be ok and take me and my kids away. Thats what i need but i know its childish to think that could or would ever happen. I feel so low.

Oh and its my golden birthday on the 25th. ... but it doesnt even really matter.

Well, its Christmas in a few days. We went christmas shopping yesterday, didnt spend hardly any time in the store cause there were so many people and it was freaking mike out and carts kept bumping into his broken leg. I can understand that tho. But we got home and he gave the kids their gifts. So basically its already been christmas. He just felt bad keepin the toys from them, they saw what they were getting and all that, and "Santa" came early- they had a toy drive for the company and the guys were supposed to bring toys, they got distributed to the guys in the company who had kids so yea. Early santa.

As far as the drama between mike and i goes.. I dont know if its just a feeling of defeat, or acceptance or both, but either way im here still, i know his feelings for this other girl, and I am just.. well I guess just waiting. She lives far away right now, but if she moves in or closer or whatever... like i said before.. ill just have to go. And he wont be able to stop me this next time. Hes only stopped me so far cause i just dont have any money. not enough to get back up to wisconsin, or for anything for my kids.

Ugh. I could really really use a vacation from everything and everyone. Id love to go to a spa or go to a retreat of some sort... This summer hopefully. Horsebackriding has always been theraputic for me. And my friends. *sighs*

If i could have just one thing for christmas, it would be a friend who would come here, spend time with me, help me cheer up, help get me out of this non motivational depressed funk im in, help me clean my house (yea.. been soo depressed ive sorta been lacking in the cleaning department... and thats seriously not good.), and help me remember that i get to have fun sometimes too. But im so far away from everyone.. and Im too shy to meet people here, especially with being depressed now.