Hello! Thank You. No really, it's great to be seeing so many of my old and new friends here tonight. I sometimes wondered whether there would be another Tuckgraph Show!
And there probably wouldn't be, if it weren't for all of your cards and letters. And emails, PMs, spit balls, and personal threats. 
You know what I mean. I appreciate all the positive feedback. Life is good, but we've got a show to do! By the way, isn't Autumn just a wonderful time of year? It's my favorite season by far. I needed to say that, because this show is called The Tuckgraph Show Autumn Spectacular! Got it?
I'd like to start out this show the way I should have started out this show. With The Tuckgraph Show Theme Song! Now, this song has been used before, but for what I don't know. This was recorded in The Tuckgraph Show Studios, also known as my bathroom. If anyone knows the origins of this little ditty, I welcome your input! For all of our audio enabled listeners, I give you...
The Tuckgraph Show Theme Song!
Okay, that was exciting. It's all downhill from here.
Before we go any further, let's go ahead and address something. As some of you might know, one of my colleagues, David Letterman, has had some sordid details about his personal life come under public scrutiny. I'm not one to judge my peers, but I have learned something about how Dave has handled the situation. Get out in front of it. Full disclosure, let the chips fall where they may.
In that spirit, there's been a development on Facebook. My older bro has posted some pictures, and they're from my past. I will not let him hang this over my head! So here's a couple of the pics.
Tuckgraph Christmas 1967
I'm not sure of the actual year, you might could tell by measuring my belly, like you tell the age of a tree by measuring the rings of its trunk!
As you can see, I'm not much for social decorum. While my other siblings are sharing the magic of a Christmas Morning, I'm breaking out like the lead bull in a stampede! Fortunately, my bro "Bucky" was trying to hold me back, before I made a bigger fool of my little self.
Tuckgraph Early Vacation
Once again, I'm not sure of the year this was taken. For many years, we would take my grandfather's (okay, pawpaw's) camper to either Florida or the Smokey Mountains.
As you can see, once again Bucky is holding me back! But we always had the best time. I can remember... WAIT! Where did that squirrel come from? Who let that marsupial on the set??? I'm sorry about this. We'll be right back after this commercial break.
There's A Reason
Alright, the squirrel is still loose. We'll catch that rascal! But I thought I should address that last commercial. It's kind of, well, girlish. I don't know the proper way of saying it. And while I do like the aesthetics of the commercial, and the Toyota Prius seems to be a fine and proper car, I had my misgivings about accepting this sponsor. Because I value the appearance of my masculinity.
Then I noticed this commercial has been playing in frequent rotation on the NFL (National Football League)'s pre-game shows. If it's good enough for the NFL, it's good enough for me. I'm secure enough in my manhood to show commercials that conjures up memories of munchkins. I am in such dire straits of rambling now! Next segment please!
The Mystery Sound
Once again, I'm breaking out my trusty sound recorder. Question is, can you identify the sound I'm recording? I'll give a couple of hints. I have to hear it almost every day at work. I work at a small community newspaper, which has a circulation distribution largely through standard U.S. mail. This requires proper labeling on each newspaper, to reach its destination. I've already said too much! Here's the sound:
The Mystery Sound
Good Luck With That! If you guess the sound, you will win Special Recognition, and receive something akin to a Gold Star! Next segment, please!
Arts and Crafts
I never thought I would be doing a segment like this. It's going to replace the cooking segment just this one time. Long story. And I could make it longer, but I'll spare you. There's this new grocery store around the corner, and they had a large quantity of hats, or caps, in a big bin. Blank baseball caps, two bucks apiece. I saw them like an artist sees a canvas! I picked up a few.
But that's half the battle. I then had to find an appropriate medium to express myself on this new found canvas. I could tell some good stories about that! Like when I went to K-Mart. I went to K-Mart, and told the attendant what I was looking for. The guy looked at me like one of us wasn't speaking English! The guy eventually says, "I don't think we have stuff like that here." Did you know this is the store sponsored by Martha Stewart? Did you know they're in bankruptcy? It all makes sense now.
Then I went to this place called Hobby Lobby. This is not scripted, but I'd like to make a personal endorsement right now, H.L. rocks (no, not Hugh Laurie, that's another subject). The dude at Hobby Lobby took me right where I needed to be, like a caring robot. I purchased the shiny, raised 3-D paints! Here's the results (no need for special glasses).
I started with this...
And turned it into this!
Is that gaudy or what? Yes, I'm a big fan of the New Orleans Saints of the National Football League! I have been a fan since the early 1970's. And they sucked for a long time! As of this writing, they're undefeated. I'm quite proud, but I wanted everyone to know I'm not just jumping on the bandwagon. I'm not a bandwagon jumper. I think the hat came out pretty good. I wouldn't wear it in public, but it's great for the game!
I have a friend who is a big fan of USC (the University of Southern California), and I decorated this hat for him:
Now my buddy's girlfriend is buying him a matching color shirt, and she wants me to paint it! That's right, I'm being commissioned to produce artwork! Except she's not paying me. Still, it's almost like being famous! I highly recommend this hobby. It's good therapy. Next segment, please!
Finding Yourself
Since the beginning of recorded history, mankind has sought the reason for being, with every individual trying to find his or her place in life. Astrology, Palmistry, Numerology, Psychiatry, and a plethora of other practices have been used to find true purpose, and to define one's strengths and shortcomings. Intro overload alert!
But until now, no one has asked (or clicked on) the definitive question:
Can you draw a pig?
Hope that worked out well for ya! In fact, I hope everyone's had a good time tonight. It's been a while since we've been able to just spend some time together. I appreciate all of you. Have a very good night everybody!
What? No. We're done. The emails are not part of the show any more. They're too mean. Okay, but only the positive, uplifting, you keep going, The Tuckgraph Show, emails are allowed. Okay? Okay.
This email comes from Fay Santa, from Santa Fe, New Mexico.
"When's the next show? What should I set my Tivo for, like 2012? lol."
Very funny Ms. Santa. If that's even your real name. The next show will be soon. And I don't mean that in astronomical or geological terms. Just check your local listings, k?
That's it, goodnight everybody! Oh wait. Wait, wait wait wait wait wait. Wait. Okay, okay. Do I sound like Joe Pesci? Today is my birthday! Thank you, thanks. You're too kind. Here's the story behind that!
My mom and dad met in high school. No, that's going too far back! Last weekend, some of my buds were discussing my pending rights of annual passage. And one of them asks, "How old?" I paused and said "48!" The fact that I paused raised concern for me.
I decided to count the years from October 23rd, 1962 till the current October 23rd. I used the first hand for the decades, 60, 70, 80, etc., then tried to count the other years up to now on my other hand. I ran out of fingers!!
Before I took my shoes off, I weighed my options. Have you ever heard the old adage, "Never ask a woman how old she is!"? Is there such a thing as an adage that isn't old? Well, add this to your lexicon: "Never ask anyone, 'How old am I?'" It's okay to ask that question if it begins with "Mommy," or "Daddy," and you're less than six. Otherwise, they look at you funny.
So I asked my most confidant confidant, Google. Just type in "how old am I?" Several websites will count it to the millisecond! I'm turning 47. That means I'm still in my mid forties! Yea! I lost a year somewhere. I do take long naps. I'm also millions of minutes old. Sigh.
Tonight's musical guest is an old friend and a national treasure.
Before I introduce him, I'd like to tell a short story. I may have told it before. I'm getting old! Several years ago, we had this bad storm called Hurricane Katrina. You probably heard about it, lots of people are still recovering. Well, two days after the storm, this guy shows up in a big truck, full of food and assistance! He was only here for a few hours, but provided some help for people who were in a very bad way. He sought no recognition for it, and not many people even know he was here. That is very cool. Please Welcome that man, Mr. Paul Simon.
Thank you Paul! Thanks to everyone. Till next time, I hope you count your blessings better than an old man counts his years! Goodnight!
P.S.
Miss Prissy says hey!
TG