Good Evening! Hello! Thanks, nice crowd! We've got a Big Show for you tonight! Please make note of your Emergency Exits!
What a week it has been. We've lost people we never knew, but will always miss. No need for a moment of silence. The silence will always be there.
I'd like to remind everyone that school lets out this week, and you should keep your guard up while driving around. These kids can be a menace! Whether they're offering to mow your lawn for a price, or washing your broken down car, beware. They're only in it for the bucks!
What? ...seems school's been out for a few weeks. My bad. I hope no one has been taken advantaged of by those enterprising miscreants. 
I guess that means it's VACATION TIME!!!!
Has everyone made their vacation plans? C'mon, fess up. Who's on vacation right now? I know I am. I'm on vacation all the time. But this time of year, it really ratchets up. Have you ever had friends come back from vacation, and punish you with pics of their "adventures?" Or slides? Anybody remember slides? I'd never do that. I'll take you along as I go on my vacation, here at home, with a new feature we like to call,
Take A Trip And Never Leave the Farm!
It's just a couple of pics from when I went driving around over the weekend. This really shouldn't be a feature. Not in the fourth episode of the first season.
Speaking of which, it's our fourth show, and the Fourth of July weekend! Coincidence? If the Nielson ratings are correct, we also have about four viewers! But those four, for me, is the Nielson Family. You can decide who you'd like to be, Momma, Daddy, Sis or Junior. Or just a neighbor who happened to drop by! There's a couple of spots on the couch, and some folding chairs in the kitchen. No, not spots on the couch literally. Geeze. Places to sit, relax and enjoy the show! Here's a couple of pics from last weekend.
Train's Coming!
I was driving towards the beach and these bars came down, and I had to stop. Then a train came almost towards me. I was all alone, just me and the train. I mean, the train and me. If you're wondering why there isn't a lady tied to the tracks, I saved her earlier. She's driving the train now.
Just Sit Right Back!
This pic reminds me of Gilligan's Island, before the three hour tour. It's a great view. And it could be a much better pic, sorry about the phone lines and bridge guard. I should have pulled off the bridge, got out of the car, and took my time. But no, I stop the auto on the bridge and get out, hoping no traffic approaches from either direction. Of course they did! I should have taken those pics! I'll try to do better next vacation!
Hope you're enjoying my vacation as much as I am! Tonight we have a new sponsor (much love Anmakus, you're still the original, and 'da best), it's my new beer taps collection!
Have you ever had a keg of beer you weren't so proud of? Perhaps you got a deal on Pabst Blue Ribbon, or acquired a batch of Old Milwaukee? We all know how bad it can be when you get the Schlitz. Don't fret. Remember, your keg of beer is only as good as its tap.
Through an exclusive transaction with an extended family member, The Tuckgraph Collection is offering limited usage of an elite selection of beer tap handles. When cup holders see one of these distinctive levers on a keg, they'll never know what's pouring into their cup. They will remember your sophistication... and the essence of the night!
Okay, we're back! That was a really sad promo. I'm not subjecting my beer taps to that tawdry display. Too late? k. Tonight, they caught me on short notice. I don't have a guest, Miss Priss is over there, breathing. So once again we're going with...
Brushes With Greatness!
Tonight's Brushes With Greatness brings with it a sense of ewwww. It's not that bad, or I wouldn't be telling it, or would I? It involves Harry Wayne Casey. No, it's not a serial killer. It's KC, from KC And The Sunshine Band!
KC came to town to do a free concert, for a casino grand opening. My buddy and I muscled our way to the front of the crowd, waiting on The Man to take the stage. Turns out, KC didn't bring his Sunshine Band. It was KC and four backup singers, two on either side. It was free!
My buddy had a bad cold. KC was using backup music with the singers, kind of like karaoke on steroids. KC is running back and forth across the stage, being Your Boogey Man, Doing A Little Dance, Shaking His Booty. And he's sweating profusely.
We're bouncing to the beat. KC has all these white towels all across the front of the stage, and he picks them up to wipe the sweat. My buddy, he has this nasty sneeze, the kind you should take care of in private. The kind you can't hide. His nose Got Down That Night. One of KC's backup singers, she takes a towel and hands it to my bud. We were that close to the stage. Frontline.
My buddy wipes his face and hands off, then throws the towel. Yeah, he tosses it back up on the stage. KC has been jumping around, trying to be a Boogey Man. KC grabs my bud's towel, and everything goes into slow motion. He wipes it across his sweaty face. It was a magical, sick moment. KC never knew the difference. It all happened so quick. That backup singer's eyes lit up, and she started laughing so hard. I was just a witness. But it was a Brush With Greatness!
A Personal Endorsement
Commercials, sponsorships, and other such animals are a two-way street. How's that for a mixed metaphor? Tonight I'd like to offer an endorsement, for Wallace Auto Electric.
You might remember I was having some electrical problems with my auto. If you didn't catch last week's show, sorry buddy, you gotta scroll down! Turns out, the battery was bad. Had robbed a couple of liquor stores. I had to do an intervention, and took the baddery to Wallace.
He's just a few blocks down from me. But I called him first, rather than just show up. He said come on down. I asked if it cost anything. Ten bucks. TEN BUCKS? Just to clamp a couple of posts and look at a meter? "Service Charge," he says. I'm trying to make this story short! Too late! I had to go there three times before I got those clamps on those posts.
"It's dead," he says. Yahoo! That means I just need a battery! He tells me to go to A-1 Battery to get a new battery. Do you know why businesses call themselves A-1, or AAA Bail Bonds? It's so they show up first in the Yellow Page listings! Just a conventional wisdom marketing morsel to chew on.
Then Wallace asks me what truck I had the battery in. I said, "No, it was in my '96 Buick Lesabre. You did some work on it last summer." He grins and says, "Yeah, I remember that Lesabre!" Then he dove his head under the hood of another car. I asked him how much I owed him. "No Charge!" came from under the hood. My buddy Wallace never remembered me, but he remembered my car! No charge for the '96 Buick Lesabre!
Okay, That's It?
That's all we got? We've got more stuff! What about the Dancing Pandas? They're endangered, you know. We're doing the emails. I don't care if I'm running long. I need the exercise. I'll try to make it quick. I sweat enough as it is. Not KC sweat, but still.
From The Emails
This comes from Edmond Ton, from Edmonton, Ontario. Are you serious? This can't be real. Eddie asks,
"Why don't you say what's going to happen on the show, at the beginning? That's what the other shows do."
I'm disappointed you ask that question, Mr. Ed. If you paid attention at the beginning, you'd realize I'm sending telepathic messages only to you, and these are secrets only we can share. For everyone else, we don't know what's going to be on The Show when we raise the curtain!
This next, and final email (no, please sit down) comes from a buddy of mine. It was simply entitled "Redneck Playstation." It's a link to a little game. I hope it works for you. Never know. Just pick up the fly swatter and take off!
http://majman.net/fly_loader.html
That's it, I'm done! Call off the dogs! We'll close tonight with a band I've had the pleasure of paying to see. This ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This is the Talking Heads, Life During Wartime.
Thank you guys! David, get the band back together! Mission from God! Thanks everybody! Have a great Fourth! Goodnite!
TG
Good Evening! How's it going for everyone? I hope you're doing better than I am at the moment!
We've all got our problems, I shouldn't complain. But I'm not going to let that stop me!
Anybody here have a car? Ever have a car break down? It can be a pain in the sparkus. I currently own a Buick LeSabre, which is French for "piece of crap." It's actually been a pretty decent car.
I inherited it from my dad about five years ago. That and the cat, Miss Priss. It was a package deal. If I gotta take the cat, I get the car! Then I sold my car, a Jeep Cherokee, to a nephew. For about half price. I'm such a sucker.
On a programming note, The Tuckgraph Show has secured a regular slot of late Wednesday night, or early Thursday morning. So set your Tuckvo.
Where was I? Oh, the car won't start. I'm pretty sure it's electrical, because it doesn't turn over. Even the interior lights won't come on. I tried jumping the car off. Nothing. I even kept it hooked up for 45 minutes to the truck, with the truck running. Then the engine went, "click-click-click-click-click-click..." So that was something. I figured it was a bad battery.
But it's not that simple. With the Buick, removing the battery requires a tiny socket wrench, which I have. In my trunk. And because my trunk key will not turn to open the trunk, I must rely on the Trunk Opening Button on my dashboard. Which works electronically. Unless the battery's dead. Sigh. Is it any wonder General Motors had to declare bankruptcy?
My short term solution? Drive the truck! But I'll figure it out. This never ending story has already gone way too long. We've got a show to do! Tonight's show is still sponsored by Anmakus! Thanks! We'll be right back!
Okay, we're back! On that last segment, I need to make a confession. Or clarification. That's better, clarification. No, caveat! In the Buick LeSauna, the AC's out. Needs some freon. And there's nothing free about it! So the current environmental conditions has temperamented my enthusiasm about getting my ride rolling. And what temperatures they are!
A couple of days ago, the heat index was 108 degrees. I look outside the window and break into a sweat. You can only find shade on the black market. I had to empty my fridge, because Al Gore listed hot tamales as a cause for global warming. It's so hot, Megan Fox is complaining of being too hot!
But is it really that hot? We'll do a test only Bill Nye the Science Guy could appreciate. We're going to place a skillet in the elements for a few minutes, then see if we can fry an egg on it.
Does anybody here tonight do the Twitter thing? I signed up a couple of months ago. I could never get the hang of it. I mean, what can you say in 140 characters or less? That's both vowels and consanents. Even the spaces, I think. Very frustrating. So I started my own version. Here's how it went last Sunday.
Twucker.com
12:36 PM- Just got home. Spent the night at my buds. Watched some UFC MMA, won six bucks. We did the midnight dance off. Tried the back roll into a hand stand move again. Threw my back out, again.
1:22 PM- I'm hungry. Going to grocery to get Oyster Crackers, Pepperoni, and a can of Comet. It's not a recipe, just things I need.
2:16 PM- Back from grocery. Also got a bowl of gumbo, and can of crescent roll dough for pigs in blanket. Never shop hungry. Can of Comet tough to find, but got it. Cleansers industry out of control.
4:45 PM- Watching XXX. Vin Diesel, not porn. lol. Not bad. Was Vin born bald? Might watch Rocky Balboa tonight, that last Rocky movie. Desperate viewing options.
8:01 PM- Just finished Balboa. Still tearing up. Adrian died of cancer? Rock didn't win, but didn't lose. Like the original! Wipes cheek. C'mon Sly, make one more! Still working the kinks out of the back.
So that's why I don't do Twitter. Let's drop an egg in that frying pan:
We'll see how that comes out in a bit. We'll be right back!
(short, imaginary commercial break for the pharmaceutical corporations)
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Placebo can be a universal cure for what ails you. It can produce a sense of satisfaction for whatever is troubling you. Ask your physician about this possible alternative to whatever he or she prescribes. Side effects could include dry mouth, squinting and thinking too much, and incurable hypochondria. If Placebo causes happiness or contentment, contact a second opinion as soon as possible.
Okay, we're back! It has been a challenge finding guests for The Tuckgraph Show. We've found that guests want to be compensated for their appearance! As a currently non-profit variety show, this has proven to be difficult. For the time being, we're going to substitute an actual guest with a new feature.
Brushes With Greatness!
Here I will tell a story about some personality I met. Sometimes. Sort of. And I'm sorry, but these may be long stories. Just hang in there!
Anybody ever heard of Alan Thicke?
Most people would probably know him from his starring role in a sitcom called Growing Pains. But before then, he had a talk show called Thicke of the Night. This was in the early eighties. So that's the setup.
In the early eighties, I worked for a local weekly newspaper called The Star Journal. Sounds like a tabloid, but it wasn't. I live in South Mississippi, on the coast. I've always worked for local weekly newspapers. I like the environment, small staff, and connection with the community. But that's another story.
One of the dynamics of the weekly, is that there's a big daily newspaper that you compete with. Kind of. Occasionally, someone will come to you with a story. And the only reason they come to you, is because the daily newspaper didn't think the story was a big deal. Such was the case with Dixie Wright.
Dixie was a local disc jockey. She wrote a letter to Alan, telling him how she was his biggest fan. She invited him to visit our humble, local community. And he accepted! She was ecstatic. She went to our daily newspaper, and they said, meh. So she comes to me, the editor of The Star Journal! And we make a big deal of it. Dixie shines.
The bittersweet part of it is, Alan only made the visit because he had the free time. His talk show, Thicke of the Night, had just been cancelled. He had nothing better to do. He came for a day trip. Dixie, Alan and I cruised the coast in a limo. They treated him like a king, which I'm sure was tonic for his bruised ego. He was a really nice guy.
What I didn't know, until the end of the day, was that he had brought his kid with him. I guess the boy stayed in the hotel room while we made the rounds. For the final meet and greet, Alan picked up his offspring, who was about seven years, and we went out to the radio station for dinner and elbow rubbing.
Problem was, they had prepared local cuisine. Stuff like gumbo, jambalaya, raw oysters, fried seafood, etc. That was fine for Alan, but Junior would have none of it. He was raising heck. No, No, NO! Anybody who's dealt with kids can appreciate the situation.
So Alan says he hates to cut it short, but they need to go. Then I lean in and whisper into Alan's ear, "How about a cheeseburger?" He says, "You got a cheeseburger?" I said no, but there's a McDonald's down the road. He whispers to Junior the proposition. Junior pauses and says, "Okay." I made the cheeseburger run. In fact, made it a Happy Meal, or whatever they called it back in the day.
Alan apologized for not having any cash money on him. Stars are like that sometimes. I covered it. And now, for the rest of the story. Lil' Junior today is some kind of aspiring Rhythm and Blues singer known as Robin Thicke!
I hope to someday catch one of his shows. If for no other reason, just to get my cheeseburger money back!
We're running long, let's check in on the frying egg:
It didn't just fry. The heat was so bad, it scrambled, and was topped with cheese and salsa. Hot salsa, I'd bet! That's hard to believe. I gotta have a talk with my production crew. But pass that around, have a bite.
We tried to get Robin to perform tonight, but such is life. No hard feelings? Instead, please give a warm welcome to the musical stylings of my bud, Joe Walsh, and his gang, The Eagles, performing Life's Been Good To Me So Far!
Eat This, Robin!
Thanks Joe! Nice hard hat! Come work on my car! Don, Glenn, Timmy, thank you. Hope to have you back. Thanks everybody! And seriously, don't eat that egg!
TG
Hello! Good evening, thank you. Thanks. Thanks for coming back! We've got a big show for you tonight.
I tried to get the show put on summer hiatus, but the suits say we've got to get a few more shows under our belts before we're courteously cancelled. So thank you, thanks for coming out tonight. I didn't know what category to label this blog. Shame they don't have Entertainment. I considered Rant, or Opinion, but settled on Cars. I like Cars.
I don't know if you're keeping up with the news, but thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of dissidents, have come out to protest the debut of The Tuckgraph Show. Focus groups demanded more features, and at least one guest. To those I say, I not only feel your pain, I cause your pain. And for that, I bite my lower lip. We'll do better.
Meanwhile, like the rest of the Universe, The Tuckgraph Show is facing some cutbacks. We've had to let go of Michelle, our announcer, as well as Alex and His Cranial, whatever, Band. For the time being, my cat Miss Prissy will be filling in for these duties. Let's give some love for our new DJ In Lieu of a Band and Announcer, MP Hammered!
She's... she's gonna do great. But all is not lost, because we do have a sponsor, via last episode's comments. Tonight's Show is sponsored by Anmakus:
Thank you Anmakus, I can't say enough to show my appreciation. It was a courageous act of volunteerism. I hope I'm spelling your name right. We'll be right back.
(short imaginary commercial break)
We're back! Thank you!
I'd like to take a moment to share a personal story. These things seem to only happen to me. Hopefully. I went grocery shopping the other day, a ritual we down here refer to as "making groceries." What a quaint colloquialism! I used a shopping cart, which I rarely do. I like using the little hand held baskets. I'm secure enough in my manhood to invoke images of Little Red Robin Hood. And that way I don't buy too much. If it gets full, I'm done. It's kind of a cost and waistline saving preventive measure.
But on this day I had a rolling cart full of stuff! I stopped off at the deli, to get a half pound of ham, and a half pound of swiss. I'm patiently waiting, window shopping some of their more exotic sounding meats and cheeses. Then the lady hands me my deli delights, I turn around, and my shopping cart of goodies is gone! I've been robbed! Okay, I hadn't paid for the groceries yet, but I felt violated. Who rips off unpaid belly fill?
Then I squint to my right, several aisles down into the meat department, and there's this elderly lady commandeering My Grocery Ride. I take off with cat like quickness. By the time I get to her, she's pulled up behind this other stranger, some guy who looked about my age. They're either discussing pre-packaged cold cuts, or she's trying to fence the contents of my cart. I said, "Excuse me." He turns around and all I can think is, "You talkin' to me?"
I said, "I'm sorry, but that, that's my groceries." He says "We don't even have a cart!" Then he looks down at the cart between us, as the elderly presumed thief lady says, "Oh goodness, how did I get this?"
I said, "I know. Those are my groceries," as I pulled the cart from her thin, fragile, grubby little fingers. I winked at the guy as I rolled away, a kind of understanding of what happened. We spend a great deal of our lives on auto pilot. I think it gets easier as we grow older.
Do you guys surf the internets? One thing I've found, there's a booty load of news out there that nobody sees! And when I say nobody, I only refer to myself. This is the lead into the first of our new features...
Don't Tell Me This Is News!
You Dirty Dog!
This story really tugs at the bowl rings. A London family was taking care of a litter of pups. A four-year-old thought one of the pups needed a bath. And seriously, a toilet bowl seems ideal for bathing an infant pup. On the surface. But Junior just had to flush.
Lil' Bowow made it through the cesspool waterspout, and was rescued via plumber pipe video technology. This pic is courtesy of the Associated Press:
Don't you just want to pick him up and wipe all that pungent scum off his precious pugnaciousness? Warm, viscous fuzziness for everyone! I'd do it! Miss Priss, don't say anything. We'll be right back with tonight's guests!
(during this short, imaginary commercial break, we will feature the House Calendar. While the plot challenged show is on summer break, let's highlight the images from each month)
Okay, we're back. Tonight's guests are no strangers to The Tuckgraph Blog. They've come down for summer vacation. Please give a warm welcome to Daisy and Lilly!
How are you gals doing? You look great. Pleasure to have you here tonight.
You gals have grown a quite a bit. I'll be honest, when we first met, I couldn't tell you two apart. Here's the secret folks, if you don't mind me saying. Okay. Daisy, she's got a little white spot on her back, near the base of her tail. And Lilly, she tinkles when you pet her.
But, you know I try to pet you gals equally! Since they're still pups, they're not talking yet. So we have no interview tonight. But we did have guests! We're gaining ground! We'll be right back.
(short, imaginary commercial break)
Thank you, thanks for sticking around. You know, sometimes you don't know what to cook. I know I don't. And it's a struggle. I have kind of a "Help Me Please!" relationship with cooking. But I've found some recipes I can try to describe, things that are good for eating! Which brings us to yet another dreaded feature...
Cook This!
This recipe, I think I've touched upon before. But I'm taking it to another level. So put a chef's hat on, and hold onto it!
Quiche La Range
I've read many recipes for quiche, and I've tried a few. If you've never eaten quiche, this is the perfect time of year to give it a go. We're going to divide the recipe into two realms: the store bought pie crust, and the stuff in the mixing bowl.
In The Pie Crust
You put a layer of shredded Swiss Cheese, between a half and full cup. In the basic recipe, that's topped with some thin sliced ham. That's all you need.
But as fate would have it, I had smoked some bacon the day before. I crumbled (or is it crumpled? Crumpled sounds more quichesh) and sprinkled it over the ham. Then I remembered I had some sausage in the fridge that needed to have purpose. I fried it up, drained the fat, and topped it over the bacon.
Whew! With these three meats, this artery clogging concoction officially became an international dish! It's Porkuquiche! From Porkugal. Never mind. Here's what it looked like:
You can put whatever you like in that crust basin. Cooked spinach, shrimp or crab meat, Starburst fruit chews. Just don't forget the Swiss! I mean that both gastrically and politically.
Back To The Mixing Bowl
This is the heart of a great quiche: Four eggs, and one and a half cups of heavy whipping cream. Say it again. Four eggs, and one and a half cups of heavy whipping cream. Well blended. I mean mixed. It's a mixing bowl, not a blending bowl.
To this you add the spice type stuff. This recipe calls for one half teaspoon of salt, one half teaspoon of sugar (makes the medicine go down, halfway), a dash of cayenne, and a dash of garlic powder. Then mix it up. You really need a mixer. Just mix and mix. Once it looks like it's well mixed, mix some more. I cannot overstate the importance of mixing.
Then you pour that mix into the pie shell, slowly. After that, top it with half a cup of shredded cheddar. C'mon, you've come this far! Then put it in a preheated oven at 375 farenheit. I'm not doing a Celsius conversion. I'm tired. Cook it for 40 minutes. Or 2,400 seconds. The quiche is done when you put a knife into it, and the blade comes out clean. It might look something like this:
Let's share it with the audience, first come first served! Don't be shy! We'll be right back.
(final imaginary commercial interruption. Shamwow, Debt Reconcilliation)
Tonight's musical guest made country cool for me. He's a multi-platinum selling artist, and an accomplished actor in his own right. He will be appearing at the Beau Rivage Theater this July 11th, and I hope to be in attendance. Folks, here's Dwight Yoakam, singing one of his many hits, "I Ain't That Lonely Yet!"
Thanks Dwight! Great job. Thanks everybody! Goodnight, and remember to thank your pillow! Say Goodnight Ms. Hammer!
TG
