Hello! Thank You. No really, it's great to be seeing so many of my old and new friends here tonight. I sometimes wondered whether there would be another Tuckgraph Show!
And there probably wouldn't be, if it weren't for all of your cards and letters. And emails, PMs, spit balls, and personal threats. 
You know what I mean. I appreciate all the positive feedback. Life is good, but we've got a show to do! By the way, isn't Autumn just a wonderful time of year? It's my favorite season by far. I needed to say that, because this show is called The Tuckgraph Show Autumn Spectacular! Got it?
I'd like to start out this show the way I should have started out this show. With The Tuckgraph Show Theme Song! Now, this song has been used before, but for what I don't know. This was recorded in The Tuckgraph Show Studios, also known as my bathroom. If anyone knows the origins of this little ditty, I welcome your input! For all of our audio enabled listeners, I give you...
The Tuckgraph Show Theme Song!
Okay, that was exciting. It's all downhill from here.
Before we go any further, let's go ahead and address something. As some of you might know, one of my colleagues, David Letterman, has had some sordid details about his personal life come under public scrutiny. I'm not one to judge my peers, but I have learned something about how Dave has handled the situation. Get out in front of it. Full disclosure, let the chips fall where they may.
In that spirit, there's been a development on Facebook. My older bro has posted some pictures, and they're from my past. I will not let him hang this over my head! So here's a couple of the pics.
Tuckgraph Christmas 1967
I'm not sure of the actual year, you might could tell by measuring my belly, like you tell the age of a tree by measuring the rings of its trunk!
As you can see, I'm not much for social decorum. While my other siblings are sharing the magic of a Christmas Morning, I'm breaking out like the lead bull in a stampede! Fortunately, my bro "Bucky" was trying to hold me back, before I made a bigger fool of my little self.
Tuckgraph Early Vacation
Once again, I'm not sure of the year this was taken. For many years, we would take my grandfather's (okay, pawpaw's) camper to either Florida or the Smokey Mountains.
As you can see, once again Bucky is holding me back! But we always had the best time. I can remember... WAIT! Where did that squirrel come from? Who let that marsupial on the set??? I'm sorry about this. We'll be right back after this commercial break.
There's A Reason
Alright, the squirrel is still loose. We'll catch that rascal! But I thought I should address that last commercial. It's kind of, well, girlish. I don't know the proper way of saying it. And while I do like the aesthetics of the commercial, and the Toyota Prius seems to be a fine and proper car, I had my misgivings about accepting this sponsor. Because I value the appearance of my masculinity.
Then I noticed this commercial has been playing in frequent rotation on the NFL (National Football League)'s pre-game shows. If it's good enough for the NFL, it's good enough for me. I'm secure enough in my manhood to show commercials that conjures up memories of munchkins. I am in such dire straits of rambling now! Next segment please!
The Mystery Sound
Once again, I'm breaking out my trusty sound recorder. Question is, can you identify the sound I'm recording? I'll give a couple of hints. I have to hear it almost every day at work. I work at a small community newspaper, which has a circulation distribution largely through standard U.S. mail. This requires proper labeling on each newspaper, to reach its destination. I've already said too much! Here's the sound:
The Mystery Sound
Good Luck With That! If you guess the sound, you will win Special Recognition, and receive something akin to a Gold Star! Next segment, please!
Arts and Crafts
I never thought I would be doing a segment like this. It's going to replace the cooking segment just this one time. Long story. And I could make it longer, but I'll spare you. There's this new grocery store around the corner, and they had a large quantity of hats, or caps, in a big bin. Blank baseball caps, two bucks apiece. I saw them like an artist sees a canvas! I picked up a few.
But that's half the battle. I then had to find an appropriate medium to express myself on this new found canvas. I could tell some good stories about that! Like when I went to K-Mart. I went to K-Mart, and told the attendant what I was looking for. The guy looked at me like one of us wasn't speaking English! The guy eventually says, "I don't think we have stuff like that here." Did you know this is the store sponsored by Martha Stewart? Did you know they're in bankruptcy? It all makes sense now.
Then I went to this place called Hobby Lobby. This is not scripted, but I'd like to make a personal endorsement right now, H.L. rocks (no, not Hugh Laurie, that's another subject). The dude at Hobby Lobby took me right where I needed to be, like a caring robot. I purchased the shiny, raised 3-D paints! Here's the results (no need for special glasses).
I started with this...
And turned it into this!
Is that gaudy or what? Yes, I'm a big fan of the New Orleans Saints of the National Football League! I have been a fan since the early 1970's. And they sucked for a long time! As of this writing, they're undefeated. I'm quite proud, but I wanted everyone to know I'm not just jumping on the bandwagon. I'm not a bandwagon jumper. I think the hat came out pretty good. I wouldn't wear it in public, but it's great for the game!
I have a friend who is a big fan of USC (the University of Southern California), and I decorated this hat for him:
Now my buddy's girlfriend is buying him a matching color shirt, and she wants me to paint it! That's right, I'm being commissioned to produce artwork! Except she's not paying me. Still, it's almost like being famous! I highly recommend this hobby. It's good therapy. Next segment, please!
Finding Yourself
Since the beginning of recorded history, mankind has sought the reason for being, with every individual trying to find his or her place in life. Astrology, Palmistry, Numerology, Psychiatry, and a plethora of other practices have been used to find true purpose, and to define one's strengths and shortcomings. Intro overload alert!
But until now, no one has asked (or clicked on) the definitive question:
Can you draw a pig?
Hope that worked out well for ya! In fact, I hope everyone's had a good time tonight. It's been a while since we've been able to just spend some time together. I appreciate all of you. Have a very good night everybody!
What? No. We're done. The emails are not part of the show any more. They're too mean. Okay, but only the positive, uplifting, you keep going, The Tuckgraph Show, emails are allowed. Okay? Okay.
This email comes from Fay Santa, from Santa Fe, New Mexico.
"When's the next show? What should I set my Tivo for, like 2012? lol."
Very funny Ms. Santa. If that's even your real name. The next show will be soon. And I don't mean that in astronomical or geological terms. Just check your local listings, k?
That's it, goodnight everybody! Oh wait. Wait, wait wait wait wait wait. Wait. Okay, okay. Do I sound like Joe Pesci? Today is my birthday! Thank you, thanks. You're too kind. Here's the story behind that!
My mom and dad met in high school. No, that's going too far back! Last weekend, some of my buds were discussing my pending rights of annual passage. And one of them asks, "How old?" I paused and said "48!" The fact that I paused raised concern for me.
I decided to count the years from October 23rd, 1962 till the current October 23rd. I used the first hand for the decades, 60, 70, 80, etc., then tried to count the other years up to now on my other hand. I ran out of fingers!!
Before I took my shoes off, I weighed my options. Have you ever heard the old adage, "Never ask a woman how old she is!"? Is there such a thing as an adage that isn't old? Well, add this to your lexicon: "Never ask anyone, 'How old am I?'" It's okay to ask that question if it begins with "Mommy," or "Daddy," and you're less than six. Otherwise, they look at you funny.
So I asked my most confidant confidant, Google. Just type in "how old am I?" Several websites will count it to the millisecond! I'm turning 47. That means I'm still in my mid forties! Yea! I lost a year somewhere. I do take long naps. I'm also millions of minutes old. Sigh.
Tonight's musical guest is an old friend and a national treasure.
Before I introduce him, I'd like to tell a short story. I may have told it before. I'm getting old! Several years ago, we had this bad storm called Hurricane Katrina. You probably heard about it, lots of people are still recovering. Well, two days after the storm, this guy shows up in a big truck, full of food and assistance! He was only here for a few hours, but provided some help for people who were in a very bad way. He sought no recognition for it, and not many people even know he was here. That is very cool. Please Welcome that man, Mr. Paul Simon.
Thank you Paul! Thanks to everyone. Till next time, I hope you count your blessings better than an old man counts his years! Goodnight!
P.S.
Miss Prissy says hey!
TG
Hey everybody!
Hope you've been doing well. The Tuckgraph Show is on hiatus, this declaration coming from the Master of the Obvious!
I thought I might do some shorter, moment of thought stuff.
I was on my way home from work tonight. I work late on Friday nights. On these late night rides home, I listen to a radio show called "Coast to Coast." Normally, it's way out there. They talk about aliens, astral projection, conspiracy theories, all kinds of whacko stuff. I find it very entertaining!
But when I tuned in tonight, the subject was Life Changing Experiences. The host was taking callers with their stories. Any story.
I was getting on the highway home when Julie called in. This is her story.
In 1963, Julie was 13 years old. She lived in El Paso, Texas, and loved the radio. She especially loved the disc jockey's, and went crazy when they had one of those telephone call in competitions to win an album or concert tickets. Or whatever. Seventh caller wins!
One night, one of her favorite dj's had a giveaway. Julie made it through the busy signals, and the phone rang! They answered and put her on hold. They were playing a song while she waited. I think she said it was "Popsicles and Lollipops," or something like that. She knew the song, and started singing it while waiting on hold. Just passing time.
When the dj got back to her, he complimented her on her singing. He was very impressed. Julie was flattered, but still wanted to know, "Did I win the prize?" The dj said yes, but he wanted to know something else. He told her that he had a local tv show, and would like her to perform on it.
As Julie told it, she did sing on the tv show. In fact, she performed on the show from 1963 to 1976. It was just a local show, but it was a big deal to her.
As she told her story, I wondered why she knew about this radio disc jockey, but didn't know about his tv show. She's blind.
Her world was that radio. And he happened to listen to her that magical day, while she was on hold. He heard her singing, not knowing her special circumstance, and changed her life forever.
That was a nice ride home!
TG
Hey! How's everyone doing tonight? I'm feeling good, you guys are great! Nice crowd! Thank You!
I was hoping we would have a good crowd tonight. As you probably know, this is our Fifth Anniversary! Yep, our Fifth Show! Glad you could turn out, because last week's audience was, well, less than stellar. Last week, the crowd was so bad, there wasn't...
What? It's the same audience? I'm sorry, no offense. No really, it was a misunderstanding. It was a shameless manipulation, where you rally groups of people by saying they're superior to other groups of people. Monologue Techniques 101. Forget about all of that. You guys are GREAT! We've got a Show to do!
I hate to keep apologizing, but I'm sorry we're running a day late tonight. For our Fifth Anniversary, we wanted to do something special. We considered a retrospective, but that's so cliched. Instead, we're going to do the Best Darn Show Ever!
And we're starting to settle down, starting to get a little focus. After some extensive meetings with creative, we've decided we're a features driven show. There might be one time features, and some recurring features. Kind of like nightmares. Which, I used to think were horses running at night! Till Dad sat me down and we had that little talk. Well, one of many talks. Any how, on to The Show! But first, a word from tonight's sponsor. We'll be right back.
Have you ever brewed a pot of coffee you weren't so proud of? Ever had dejavu? When your java becomes "grounds" for discourse, consider serving it up in the...
Yoda-Head Mug!
When you pour that caffeinated swill into this adorable receptacle, your designated sipper will Feel the Force! Whether they take it with cream or sugar, there will be no denying, Yoda Best!
Okay, we're back. Again, I'm disappointed. That mug was a birthday gift some 26 years ago. Yoda Mug has never seen a drop of any liquid poured into his skull. I love Yoda Mug. It shouldn't be desecrated in a manner like that. Look for it on ebay soon!
How was your Fourth of July? Mine was interesting. It was overcast, and eventually became a downpour. It started raining buckets of cats and dogs! (the mixed metaphor of the night) But before it came down, I had an incident of LDP Syndrome.
What's LDP Syndrome?
Glad you asked! LDP stands for Loud Drunk Person. Have you ever been sober, hanging out with a bunch of people who weren't so sober? One step at a time. Have you ever been sober?
I witnessed LDP Syndrome on the Fourth of July. Some people, the more they drink, the louder they get. And they either don't realize it, or don't care. Such was the case with my neighbors. I went out on the back patio to fire up the grill, and my neighbors were in full LDP Mode. I grabbed my trusty audio recorder!
Here, from over the fence, is an audio account of an LDP incident. It's precisely one minute in length. The first 30 seconds is fairly tranquil, the second half contains a whiff of profanity. It was a one shot deal, no editing or enhancements. Believe me, it's nothing fancy! Kind of abstract. Hope it plays!
My Drunk Neighbors
A little later, it began to rain.
I haven't met my neighbors yet. Do you blame me? They sound like a fun bunch. We're trying to make The Show more of a multimedia, interactive variety show. If the sound stuff works, we might have new features!
From The House Calendar
This being the new month of July, it's time to see what artwork is on this month's House Calendar:
Okay, we're back! You know, I bore easily. If you're like me, I'm lucky you're still here! I often times search the world wide web, and come across interesting websites. Last week, CNN had a story about humorous websites that most people might not know about. One really scratched my funny bone:
Garfield Minus Garfield
Is everyone familiar with the comic strip Garfield?
Honestly, I get him mixed up with Heathcliff. This website is not about Garfield, but his owner, Jon Arbuckle. This website takes Garfield cartoons, and digitally removes Garfield! It makes Mr. Arbuckle look kind of crazy! Let's roll a couple of clips:
You can find more at:
http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/
I find it funny. Miss Priss says it reminds her of someone she knows! Oh, MP thinks she's so funny!
A Day In The Life
Yes, it's another feature! They're gonna keep coming! As someone once said, "There's no flipping off the genius button." Or something like that. In this feature, I share special moments from my day.
Had a great day. I'll tell you what makes for an exciting day. Sleep late! You get up, late for work, and the adrenaline just takes over! On this particular morning, I woke up with an attitude! I elected not to wear pants to work. No, not like that. I decided to wear shorts. Tasteful shorts. No one's ever given me a dress code! That threw off my shirt wear. No button up shirt, I decided to go with a golf shirt! It's a pullover, but it's collared, with a few buttons at the V. It seemed a hasty decision, as I rushed to get out the door.
At work, I thought I got a raised eyebrow or two, but nothing more than usual. After a couple of hours, one of my coworkers asked, from across the room, "Hon, is your shirt on inside out?" I reached for the V, and yes, the buttons were on the inside of the collar! I change my mind. Never sleep late! I excused myself to the restroom, and turned the shirt from outside in to inside out! Or something like that. I did tell my coworker that she was dressed nicely today.
Then, this was the greatest thing. Last month, on June 21st, one of my coworkers and his lovely wife had a baby! As it just so happens, June 21st was also Fathers Day! Can you think of a better Fathers Day present? I can't. It took until today for them to bring this bundle of joy to the office. I was so giddy, I had to take a pic:
Awwwwww. Isn't she precious?
We gotta go to commercial. No, not this one. Not the right time. Okay, we got commitments.
Drink Evian Water.
Okay, we're back! By popular demand, we're reviving an informational, tasty little feature called...
Let's Get Cooking!
I like this segment, because I can change the name every time! Tonight we're featuring a versatile snack, that's quick and easy to fix up.
Fresh Baked Pita Chips
You can find pita chips at your grocer, usually around the deli. Don't do it. Get yourself some pita bread, olive oil, and your favorite herbs and spices.
This is simple You're going to take the bread, cut off the edges, and separate it. Lay the sides of the pita bread on an appropriate surface, and brush olive oil on both sides of each side. That's four surfaces total! 
After you brush down the bread, you gotta sprinkle the seasonings. And it's up to your personal taste. The spices vs. the herbs. It's like the Hatfields vs. the McCoys. The Montagues vs. the Capulets. The Basils vs. the Cayennes. I usually sprinkle the kitchen sink over it! But to each his or her own. Garlic works well. Taste buds can be so personal.
After you apply the tasty stuff, slice up the pita sides into bite sized squares, triangles and rectangles, trapazoids, go crazy. Make it good for dipping. Place them on a baking sheet, thusly:
Set them in a preheated oven at 300 degrees farenheit. Bake between eleven and fifteen minutes. After ten minutes, watchem' close! They're easy to overcook. They should be crunchy, but not too brown. If they get brown, they get bitter. Once they're done, put them in a bowl and get ready for a pita party! Excellent for spinach dip and humus.
If you have any left over, put them in a ziplock for future dipping! They're a great snack.
On a side note, I'd like to recommend a movie that is excellent for cooking. If you don't have a tv in your kitchen, pop this dvd into your Main Tube, and turn it up. It's called "A Few Good Men," directed by Rob Reiner and starring Tom Cruise, Demi Moore and Jack Nicholson. It is based on a stage play, and is almost all dialogue. Like listening to one of those audio books! It's also great to mix drinks by:
You Want Vermouth?
YOU CAN'T HANDLE VERMOUTH!
Okay, that's it for tonight!
What? That's no way to end an extravaganza! Alright, we'll do the emails.
This email comes from Jack A. Hole, from Jacksonhole, Wyoming. Okay, we'll go with that.
You never really do anything, you just use stuff that other people do.
Was that a question? Where in Jackson's Hole do you live? It's called Zen, buddy. Look it up. Quick, next question! We're done? Cool.
We'll close with one of my most favorite artists, Malcolm John "Mac" Rebennack, Jr., also known as Dr. John! Tonight the Doctor will put on a clinic, with a New Orleans standard, "Iko, Iko".
HEY NOW!
Thank you, my friend. Thanks everybody! Hope you enjoyed The Fifth! Be sure to designate your driver! Goodnight!
TG
