School is now drawing near. In just a few weeks I'll be on my way to college and a brand new horizon. I feel a little tentative and nervous on this because it is a new environment for me. I'll be also taking public transportation which scares me more than going to college. The transportation system I will be using is the Light Rail Transit System. It is very similar to a monorail, except that here in the Philippines, they are famous for their numerous bombings and muggings.

I'm very concerned also with the people there. Will I have friends? Are they nice people? Or are they druggies? Maybe it's just nerves, but I feel very apprehensive. Still I know that I will be able to overcome the challenges set before me. Like the one that I have now. I still haven't been able to finish my concept paper on the e-learning project that we had in high school. I am endeavouring to set some time aside to finish it. I hope I will be able to finish it before the end of the summer.

I know, that for me, this will be a new experience. One that I will never forget. Some of my friends from High school will be going with me to this University, so I will not feel totally alone. I hope that this step is a brave new trudge towards a better future.

A few years ago, I had the privilege of playing one of the most awe inspiring games of all time, Xenogears. When I first played it in, I think, 1998, it struck me as one of those great games with a great story and great gameplay. I was right on two counts and semi-right on the other. Xenogears, in my opinion is one of the games that stuck in my head well after playing it, even now, it is etched into my mind very clearly. It truly was a blockbuster and a game that no gamer, be it RPG fan or casual gamer, should miss.

When Xenosaga Episode I was first previewed, I read it and felt very excited about it. I knew that the Xenosaga series would be six chapters in length and that Xenogears was the fifth chapter. I felt pretty excited about Xenosaga, I waited patiently for it's release, feeling that it would be a monumental blockbuster that would set the stage for the six-part video game epic. When it arrived, I bought it and played it. After playing however, I was not in awe like in Xenogears. It was a pretty good game overall, but it failed to impress me. Although it sets up the story pretty well, it feels a bit short. I have no qualms over the lengthy cutscenes, but still it felt too short.

Xenosaga's gameplay was OK, featuring some new innovating features such as mail, a card game, a casino, but still I feel it was not quite good enough. It's battle system was good enough, but it still could have been better, the boost system should have been further utilized and the combo system should have been retained. It's story is still blockbuster worthy, although not quite on par with Xenogears. If Xenogears was Michael Jordan, Xenosaga Episode I would be Michael Jordan in the 80's; good but could be better.

What I have to say is that Xenosaga could have been better, much better. Yet, overall it was quite enjoyable and fun. Not on Xenogears' level but it's good enough to set up the start of the epic. Still, the next installment, based on my readings, is not that better than Episode I. I just hope that Xenogears' winning formula can be implemented in Xenosaga episode III. And that's not just a changes in costumes and looks.

Well that's my two cents in. Sayonara journal.

To say that I was a fool in love is a very large understatement. Think of Steve or Joe from Blue's clues, and you'll know what I mean. In the past thirteen years, I have never liked or loved anyone aside from my own family. Some kids that age, have already lots of crushes and some of my friends already have girlfriends, but I had always been uninterested in those kinds of things. I had friends that were girls, I even have a very close friend whose a girl. But I have never truly loved anyone in my life.

Until three years ago. I fell in love with the most unlikely person I ever thought I would ever fall in love with. Now, I'm not one who focuses entirely on looks, but I always imagined my significant other to be extremely beautiful with long hair and a beautiful body. So it was a surprise for me to fall in love with a girl like her. However I was only a shy guy back then, most of my friends were guys, and I usually didn't interact with the opposite sex much. So I just laid low for two years and stayed in the background. A year ago, I decided that I had had enough. I was tired of waiting, so I made my move. I really didn't have much experience with that kind of thing. I really didn't know what to do, so I just started to be around her.

My first opportunity was during a spelling contest I had in school. She and I were selected to be the participants in the said contest. On the outside, it seemed that I was just my ordinary self, even with the taunts and jeers my classmates directed at me. But on the inside, I had mixed feelings. Of fear and happiness, anxiety and joy and a whole myriad of other contrasting emotions.

So the day of the spelling contest arrived and we went to the venue together. At that very moment, I sensed something was wrong. That in the back of my mind, I felt something was wrong. Still I chose to converse with her. She told me about which school she was going to and a lot of other neat stuff, but she was somehow holding back. I always talked to her, and she never asked me any questions other than replies to what I asked. I, at that time, just waved it off as something else. For me, it was already a good start and I was pretty hopeful.

We talked a lot more through text messages, and I was pretty happy. For once, maybe there was hope for a relationship with her. But no sooner than my hopes were getting raised, it was once again dashed very swiftly. On a Saturday morning I was assisting other teams with their physics projects because they needed some assistance. And she happened to be their with her group. I tried to talk to her, but somehow I felt some tension in the air. I felt that somehow, maybe something was wrong. Still, I shrugged it off and chalked it up to nervousness or some other feeling.

How utterly wrong I was. At about six o'clock in the evening, she texted me and said that she didn't like me in any way, just as a friend. And I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. But I didn't cry or mope around like a dead man. I was just shocked, I felt my whole body feeling tired and weary and so I fell asleep.

From that time on, our relationship was strained. She didn't talk to me, I didn't talk to her. I wanted too, however, so much it almost hurt. But I knew it was a fruitless endeavour. I just went on with my life, with a huge gaping hole in my heart, that up to now is still there and I think it's growing bigger.

Sometimes, when I am alone at night, I still remember and dream of the happy future that we might have had. I still feel longing in my heart and utter despair at my stupidity at losing her. But that wasn't the final nail in my coffin, not yet; that started a few months later.

A few months later, I noticed a friend of mine making a move on her and I observed. She laughed with him and they talked incessantly and I suddenly found myself insanely jealous. I knew it was only a natural feeling, but still I felt stupid. She has the right to talk to anyone. Besides she was not mine or anyone else's so I just observed.

During the months to come, I observed them becoming closer with every second. They were always talking and laughing, I was envious of their relationship, one that I could never have had with her. By then, I had already given up all hope on her, but still a small flicker of light called hope still clinged. So on the last day of regular classes, before the final exams, I gave her a necklace. It was nothing expensive, just a token of remembrance for her. I primarily gave it to her, so she would remember me, a man who loved her without question, without hesitation. Well, maybe some hesitation. But in the back of my mind, I gave it to her that in some sliver of hope, she would like me a little. A very petty reason I am sure, but it didn't occur to me until later.

Once again, I was rejected. For the very next day, she returned it to me, saying she could not keep it for it was expensive and other crap. But I knew the real reason, she didn't want to remember me. It was plain and simple. But that was not the part that hurt me. I was OK with the fact that she didn't want to remember me. The part that hurt me was she didn't give it to me in person, but via her cousin, that was what hurt me the most.

She thought that I didn't even deserve a appearance vis a vis. Was I such a lowly man, that I didn't even deserve a face to face appearance. Maybe she was embarrassed or something. But I gave her present in front of the whole classroom! That was also pretty embarrassing. I almost didn't go through with it. But with some poking and prodding from my friends and classmates, I finally gathered the courage to give it to her. Wasn't that enough to prove that I deserved even at least a face to face rejection. Maybe she didn't want to hurt me more. But it was too late, I was already hurt. There was no way around it. And that was when the flicker of hope died out.

It's funny that I still love her, even now. I have no hopes that she will love me, but I still love her, with all my heart. I am a sad person, loving someone who doesn't love you. And that is why I am such a big fool.

Sayonara.