Okay, I SERIOUSLY missed blogging. Everything about it, so I decided to come back and be resurrected. Haha. And may I just say I missed each and every one of the friends I made here in this site. Hopefully, we can keep in touch again. And now I'm ranting. Anyway, back to my blog...and my life..

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[From Here to There ]

For the first time in months, I'm once again broadcasting my thoughts and feelings to readers who may scrutinize me, judge me, or scorn me...or otherwise but to their criticisms and conclusive comments, I pay selected attention to. What affects me more is how I begin to appear so vulnerable and so transparent in the computer screens of many I don't know. It's both exciting and scary. Exciting because this, for me, is my way of getting out there and making myself heard. It's an opportunity for me to voice out my views and to hear of what others have to say. Scary because the possibility of revealing a "version of chesca" is so real that people may come up with preconceived notions of me without actually knowing the real me. And if you think about it, it's sort of unfair on my part.

The "real" me is a tough topic to handle. Even I it don't know the real me. In psychology, I constantly assimilate and accomodate myself in terms of knowlegde, experience, and insight. One thing's for sure---I have changed. Maybe not for the best but for the now.(Forgive my brevity. I warn you, this will be one loooong entry and I advise to stop if this doesn't sound like your thing.) For the now because this attitude and outlook I am adapting at the moment is what is MOST appropriate for my situation, at this point in my life. The best word perhaps to describe it is aloofness. The kind of aloofness that entails a detachment from being too maudlin, or being too dependent on people. I've learned that getting too attached would only lead to one's downfall. Having said that, the famous psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freud, also believed unhappiness is a result of refusing to let go of memories. And these past few months, I've done nothing but hold on desperately and pathetically to memories. The kind of memories that make me smile and cry and make me wish that the world would simply stop because I willed it to do so.

So now I'll just sigh and say this entry ends here and conclude that ultimately we have, in one way or another, tried to stop change, to be gods of our destiny. But change knows no one and submits only to Time. We may be masters of our actions but we can only control so much. It is such a paradox for us, the human race, to be catalysts of change in trying to stop change. What we often fail to realize that in the attempt to stop change, we change change therefore producing change unintentionally. The inevitable.

So, I'm keeping my blog. Apparantly it loves me!

Well, actually there are three of us namely Charlie, Dimuffin and me. Yep, we just celebrated our respective birthdays and I would like to thank everyone(Candz & Lauren...luv u.....seriously, Kewlz: thanks! and Charlie: happy belated b-day and thank u!) who greeted me, I indeed had a wondeful birthday. Anyway, I'm still ALIVE. I'm certainly not dead. There. I've made my point. Okay so, I'll give you an update of what's been going on with me these past few weeks:

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Tidal Wave

Now that I'm done being fourteen, and done with all the violin lessons I was giving (Yes, my violin coach asked me to teach some of his students over the summer. Hey, at least it's better than baby-sitting!),I madea whole checklist of things to do. Make all these schmaltzy thank you cards, clean my room, catch up with friends, make a scrapbook, travel...etc etc. But I ended up doing only a fraction of that so-called to-do list. Though, ironically, I ended up getting more than what I bargained for. And only now am I recovering from everything, from the Starbucks nights to the early mornings at Somethin' Fishy.

I'll spare you overly-analyzed details but I will share my recklessly candid thoughts on these past events...

When you feel like you're leaving this certain period in your life (Yes, I'm talking about how my life has been when I was fourteen.) you tend brace yourself for the impact. The impact of something totally uncertain and possibly foreign. You're psyching up yourself to expect the unexpected (i.e. The Worst), you try to futilely make some sort of feeble sense of the little information or knowledge of have of the what's-to-come. You struggle, perhaps. Not the sort of struggle that entails the clashing of fists and all that but maybe the sort of turmoil that happens in the heart and in the mind. Emotions that refuse to be understood. Thoughts that simply cannot rest. I guess biologically, that's how we were built. To be on our toes, to be alert, to be ready. But the question still lingers..."Be ready for what, exactly?" Ahhh, the anxiety and innate curiosity the future brings.

Drawing a mental picture, it seems that you try to protect yourself from the looming Unknown but at same time, you render yourself utterly vulnerable by trying to take in everything. Unfiltered. So real. In motion. And there you are in middle of two seemingly opposing forces. And there you lay more perplexed. And that is how I feel. So overwhelmed. Like a tidal wave. That in one swift encompassing motion, stuns me. Drowning. An overkill.

Beautiful.

Free of regret.

And in processing everything that's happened, I've come up with fragmented happy pieces. And the giddy emotions and the vivid memory re-makes. But for sure, in my moment of drowning, in that moment of confusion and shock, I've learned to love even more, to give more generously, to live more passionately, to laugh even louder, smile more sincerely, and to hope unrelentingly because on my way to recovering those little bits and pieces, I've become someone I've never thought I could be at this point. More mature perhaps. But definitely, someone braver who'll face the Unknown with the knowlegde that I'm living the way I wanted to be.

In the middle of all this hum-drum, I'm happy I lost myself somewhere.

Tomorrow may be crap. But I've come too far, why stop?