The Melbourne Cup's been run and won for another year, and my lack of interest in the sport is tangible. Maybe it's because my horse has never won. Maybe it's the nature of the sport, with it's stupid fast-talking commentators, crap horse names, inch-high jockeys and spectators decked out in top hat, tux and footy shorts. So my Tafe mates and started thinking, why don't we make this sport less daunting for the average punter. So I give you an exclusive sneak peek at next years Melbourne Cup, for us regular idiots.

"And welcome to the 2009 Melbourne Cup, and the horses are lining up at the start gate, where Brown Horse is looking to be the favourite, although many punters are also thinking that Brown Horse may have a shot, but Brown Horse is a veteran at this course, so it's anyones guess who'll be our winner here.

And they're off! Brown Horse has taken an early lead, followed by Brown Horse, Brown Horse, Brown Horse and Brown Horse, with Brown Horse a length away, with Brown Horse, Brown Horse, Brown Horse and Brown Horse right behind him. It's anyones race at this point, but Brown Horse is holding out so far.

At the midway point, it's Brown Horse with Brown Horse and Brown Horse, and that Brown Horse is so brown, it's almost gray, with Brown Horse, Brown Horse, Brown Horse, Brown Horse, Brown Horse and Brown Horse right up his clacker, followed by Brown Horse, Brown Horse, Brown Horse and, oy, who turned off my mic!? I'm going to kick your arse so fu... oh, crap I'm back, with Brown Horse and BROWN HORSE IS OUT! THE FAVOURITE, BROWN HORSE HAS DROPPED OUT!! This is a disaster for Brown Horse, he was looking so good, there may have been contact with Brown Horse, but either way, it's over for Brown Horse.

We're onto the end straight, and we've got Brown Horse holding out Brown Horse, with Brown Horse, Brown Horse, Gray Horse, Brown Horse, etc right on his tail, BROWN HORSE IS GOING AROUND THE OUTSIDE, HE MAY BE ABLE TO TAKE IT FROM BROWN HORSE, WITH BROWN HORSE RIGHT ON HIM, IT'S A PHOTO FINISH!!! We're going to have to wait to see who won, Brown Horse may have held him out at the end, but Brown Horse also had the momentum, he may have taken it. But in the meantime, that has been the Melbourne Cup for people who don't give a brown heap."

Reckon I've got a shot at commentating next year? And if that gag has been done by someone else, which is quite likely, please feel free to tell someone who cares.