Not sure how many of you are reading Penthouse Letters, I mean James' (Jbul) blog about his latest dating experiences. Seems our friend has been quite the Casanova as of late and has found himself a lady who makes his heart go all afllutter. His tales of romance and whispered sweet nothings have been entertaining.

He's not the only one that's been lighting it up with the ladies however. I am quite the romancer myself, but you probably already knew that. Why just last evening I had the pleasure of a hot date... should I share what happened? I don't know... it was all so lurid and steamy, it may warp your fragile little minds...

After work I was terribly bored and felt the need to hit the town. Normally I'd just walk into any bar I felt like and walk out 10 minutes later with a lady on my arm, but last night I was impatient so I whipped out the phone book and paged through the escort section. Island Dreams... no... Hot Hawaiian Nights... no... Fleshburgers in Paradise? Hmmm... that sounds more like it.

"Aloha, Fleshburgers in Paradise, Home of the Two All-Beef Pattys."

What? Did I call the right place? "Two patties?" I asked.

"That's right, Patty Buns and Patty Pickles."

"Oh, okay. Do you have any biker chicks?"

15 minutes later my date arrived and she seemed pretty cute. At first I thought it was a bit strange that she had pulled up to my house wearing all her motorcycle gear but driving a small Honda Civic hatchback. I asked her why wear the helmet while driving a car and she cited safety reasons and gave me a quick lesson on recent local traffic fatalities - hard to argue with that, it's probably a good idea that we all wear a helmet while driving from now on.

I wanted to go out for a fine meal so we got into my car and headed out on our date. She asked "Is your car always this filthy?" and I indignantly replied "Of course it is." What a silly question... I'm much too busy making a difference in this world, I don't have time for cleanliness.

So I took her to this all you can eat buffett specializing in food from Antarctica. It's one of my favorite eateries and if you like penquin this is the place to go. If you don't like penquin then you're pretty much out of luck because that's all there is on the menu. I guess they don't have alot of other things to eat in Antarctica. I ordered my usual, the penquin tacos.

Before we got to the restaurant she had taken off all her leather biker garb, and sat in a pink tank top and demin shorts but she still had her helmet and goggles on. I asked if she would feel more comfortable without all that extra weight on her skull but she refused. She mumbled something about head injuries on slippery restaurant floors as she picked at the Snowcone appetizers I had ordered.

I could feel there was something between us, something hot and forbidden, like a butt wax on a public beach. I tried to stare longingly into her eyes but couldn't see through the glare off her goggles. Before the food had even gotten to our table I breathlessly whispered "Do you want to get out of here? Head back to my place?"

Uh, sorry, gotta end it there for now, I just got an e-mail from her and I've got to write back. She sent me this hot, hot, HOT photo with her email. It seems she's got this thing for helmets...

The helmet thing is kind of sexy isn't it? I could get used to it...

I know I had promised a blog about my pet owlger some time ago, it's just that I've been a little distracted lately with the razor bladed owl tiger hybrid. Problem was the owlger had an anger issue with this punk kid who lives on our street. Everyday they would see each other - the owlger would hiss and go nuts, and that punk kid would provoke him. That was an evil little kid and I wanted him taken out - you piss off my owlger (which isn't that hard, he's always mad about something) you piss off me.

So I'm thinking, how do I take this kid out and not end up in prison?

Demonic power. If you can straight up kill someone by pointing a finger who can prove you're the one who pointed the finger? So who do I have to go to to get that kind of power... that was the question.

So I know this guy... not the guy on the right, I don't know who that is, my contact is the guy on the left... who says he knows this guy who can get me this book.

So basically I've got it out on loan... a very expensive loan. Apparently my contact's contact doesn't come cheap - but it's worth every penny if it keeps me out of jail and I can take this punk kid down a peg.

I scoured the book in search of the best method and passed on fun choices such as Eye Sockets to Bloody Geysers (too messy), Summon DevilHound (too noisy), and Giant Bunghole (we've got enough of those in the neighborhood already). Finally it dawned on me - turn the little bastard to stone.

This way I'm totally off the hook - they can't say he's missing if he's right in front of their face. Sure, now he's StoneBoy of Hawaii and birds will crap on his head, but he's not missing.

You can't prove I pointed my finger at him either.

So me and the owlger are back to normal and he's a happy camper.

I love it when his head goes all the way around.

There is a well known local song called "Where I Live" that plays during a bank commercial on tv, and it gets stuck in my head sometimes. Then I realized in my post-did-not-get-the-job funk, that I had not done enough in my part time job for the Hawaii Tourism Board, of which I am the Charter Member. I don't know what that means, but I do know it means I'm big time.

I live in Puako and this is Puako Bay, it opens into the larger Wailea Bay

It's a one street kinda town, ocean's on the left, desert all around us.

There's alot of public access pathways - that's my ride, my sweetpea Sector 9

This is the public access across the street from my house, Maui is off on the very far left - that big shadow out there in the water.

And this is what I see as come out of the path and look left - lots of coral! All along Puako is Hawaii's largest reef.

So yeah, trying to break out of funk, get back to a happy place, write some crazy stuff and tell tall tales of me that are entirely true and not made up. Since many of you are in these tales, I have witnesses to all events.

In the meantime, a heavy dose of Eternal Sonata and Devil May Cry 4 has helped along with some beautifully done demolition derby in Flatout Ultimate Carnage. Finally started feeling solid enough after the crabby Snotmonster cold to pick up Guitar Hero again. I couldn't focus on the screen with all the falling colors for a month, too much for my foggy brain to intake. But now I'm back to playing - I'm getting close to 70 million on my way to that 100 million career achievement in GH 3. I've got my eye out for a used copy of GH: Aerosmith...

...enjoy the photos, I'll post some more in the future in my quest to enhance tourism in my great state. I need to do my part, and since I get alot of under the table money, I'm forced to keep the greased wheels of corruption moving.

Aloha friends