Okay. First of all, a great big bear hug to those of you who took the time to read my first blog on this topic (which was my last blog entry) and listened to all my ranting and raving. Your emails, advice and comments were greatly appreciated and very helpful. Love you guys. However, it's not over till the fat lady sings, as they say. And folks, she's not even stepped up to the microphone yet. See, new developments have arisen regarding Toby's sitch with TJ at work. So sit back, relax, put your thinkin' hat on, because this is gonna be another long one.
Well, picking up where I left off last, I gave all of your advice to Toby and he kept it in mind. However, he hasn't used any of it yet because he said he really hasn't had to. Since it's been a while since the events of my previous blog, according to Toby TJ hasn't really been getting "in touch" with him. But lately Toby says that TJ has started trying to talk to him. Now I said "trying to" because, also according to Toby, that whenever TJ tries to talk to Toby, Toby just flat out ignores him and cuts him off rudely. He says he doesn't even look at TJ and/or acknowledge TJ's presence in front of other people. Well, apparently this got TJ's attention as Toby says that he has gotten word that TJ has been going around telling people things regarding Toby's attitude toward him like "I don't know what I did to p-ss him off" and "I don't know why he doesn't like me" and "He might not hate me, but I know he sure doesn't like me". However, when Toby received word of this he still didn't confront TJ. I asked why, and Toby says he thinks that if TJ really cared about Toby's attitude toward him that he would confront Toby himself. But so far TJ hasn't said a word to Toby. In fact, Toby says TJ still tries talking to him and Toby keeps ignoring him. But nothing is said but TJ's remarks to OTHER people about Toby disliking him and treating him badly, not understanding why. And Toby tells me he heard from someone at work that TJ seems to be getting quite aggitated about it. But all the same, TJ still doesn't confront Toby about it. This has been going on for weeks now.
Now, as the dutiful wife I support whatever my husband does - most of the time. But I'm kinda at a stalemate here. On one hand I feel Toby is handling the sitch right by not confronting TJ since TJ seems not very concerned about Toby's ignoring him hence he won't simply go up to Toby and ask "What the deal, yo?" To me, that shows one of 2 things: that TJ really doesn't care too much but enough to gripe to others about it; and the second is the possibility that TJ may not have the stones to confront Toby himself because he could possibly be afraid to hear something he doesn't want to or maybe simply because he doesn't want any trouble.
On the other hand, a part of me feels that Toby should just go right up to TJ on his own and say "Yo, here's the dealio", you know? Because if this behavior of Toby ignoring TJ keeps up it may lead to worse problems down the road and I would hate for my husband to risk his job over something that, quite frankly, if you think about it, is pretty trivial and petty. Yes, I even told Toby he was being almost as immature about the whole thing as TJ was. But this seems to be a very bothersome important thing and Toby rarely gets this upset about ANYthing. I said in my last blog that I don't know who TJ was, never met him personally and that I didn't want to. But now I would like to see what kind of person my hubby is dealing with. Of course I never would get in the middle of it - Toby would NEVER allow that - but if there was even a fraction of a chance that I could help, I would. But I respect that this is Toby's problem to deal with on his own. But I will give him advice and concern when he asks me for it, certainly.
I did ask Toby why he doesn't just once - only once - listen to TJ when he tries to talk to him, just to find out what he has to say, but Toby will NOT hear of that! He claims that by not letting TJ "in", that by ignoring him, he gains the upper hand of control as this allows him to cut off the chances of TJ saying things to him that hurt him when Toby first started working there [see previous blog for refresher on this]. Toby states that he simply can't let TJ talk to him anymore because letting him talk to him would be like letting him get away with his past "crimes", for lack of a better term. But he wants TJ to come to him and confront him instead of him (Toby) being the perpetrator and going to confront TJ. So, he says the only way to keep TJ at bay and not having to confront TJ directly is to keep ignoring him whenever he tries to speak to him. And that it's TJ's choice whether or not he wants to know what's up with Toby's 'tude toward him.
So basically, we have what you might call an impasse. Toby willing to just keep ignoring TJ instead of confronting him directly because he wants TJ to come to him, and TJ unwilling to confront Toby over his attitude for whatever reason yet continues to complain to others about Toby's mistreatment of him. So, my question, my dear peeps, is....what to do? Help? Pretty please??