Okay, I know this is unusual - actually bordering on weird - but I felt this is possibly the only way I could get some kind of response. This blog is for my hubby. Let me explain: he came home from work the other day telling me about this jerk he works with. Now, said jerk has been the subject of many a conversation my hubby has spouted off to me about for the last 3 years. When Toby (my husband) started working where he works now over 3 years ago, he had to work with TJ ("The Jerk", as he shall heretofore be named during this blog) and didn't like him one bit. Apparently, according to Toby, when they first started working together, TJ would say things to Toby that would make him mad and/or make him feel degraded or humiliated and worthless. The thing is, TJ would put it in not so many words, but what he DID say to Toby would be subtle enough to be obvious: basically, saying stuff that so subtley yet obviously meant "You're a loser", "I'm better than you are", "You're stupid, I'm smart", "You're wrong, I'm right", etc. That kind of garbage, y'know? But here's the kicker: after TJ lets loose with the nasties, he then does a complete 180 and tries to smoothe it out by telling Toby crap like "Oh, when I get my new house you'll have to bring your family and come over and see it" or "Can you teach me how to play the guitar?" and "Me and you have a lot in common". I mean, crap! The way I feel, this is just nonsense. I mean, if you're going to down someone, then do it and leave it at that, deal with the consequences. But DO NOT say cruel things to someone and then turn around and try to make it okay! That is just a coward's cop out and just flat-out wrong! Plus, TJ humiliated him by going to work one day and telling everyone about a funny incident that happened to Toby (which was funny), in the process embarrassing him, TJ himself laughing his heart out, but then turns right around and asks Toby "Are you okay?" with some sort of half-azzed sincerity, once more trying to "aleviate the pain", so to speak. Ya feel me here? I mean, God! You wanna embarrass someone? Do it and leave it at that! It seems to me that it just makes matters worse to try to "suck up" after the fact. It takes a lot to make Toby upset, but he says it bothered him a lot at the time because nobody's ever done that to him before. But because he was new to the job and didn't know anyone, he kept his mouth shut and didn't provoke anything with TJ as Toby didn't want to start a new job by rocking the boat and stirring up trouble, so he just bottled it. Well, that was 3 years ago. Since then both Toby and TJ have gone to diff shifts and barely even saw each other, much to Toby's relief. But what few times they did see each other Toby said TJ would say 'hi' to him and be all friendly and what all here and there. Toby said he just grinned and went on, not saying anything because Toby REALLY hates this guy's guts! Although there was this one incident where one morning TJ came into work while Toby was just leaving and TJ came up to him and asked - with a crap-eating grin on his face, apparently - if Toby missed him. Toby said he couldn't help himself and he delivered a rather nasty, hateful 'no' at TJ. According to Toby, TJ took a little offense to that and gave Toby a snarky look of disgust and went away. Over the past 3 years Toby pretty much got over TJ's antics because he never had to deal with him directly. However, Toby recently got a promotion - which unfortunately meant he'd once again be having to work with TJ. Toby knew this going into the promo, but he said he was gonna keep his distance from TJ and not rock the boat unless TJ started his bull again. Well, this has been over a month now, and Toby says that TJ has attempted to be 'friendly' here and there but not really starting up an actual conversation. Toby says he will eventually let TJ know how much he hates him and to stay away from him since now he feels, after working with this company for over 3 years now, he feels a little more comfortable and stable. Carefree, if you will. I warned Toby to use caution in doing so, and he says he is, until what just happened the other day. Up until now, Toby's done really good to stay away from TJ, whereas TJ just has to come around for a quick 'hi' or whatever since he's the type that pretty much just has to open his mouth strictly for the sake of opening it. But this latest thing is quite interesting: Toby said he was making labels and one of the guys that works with TJ asked Toby to print his line a few extras while he (Toby) was at the printer. Toby did, and walked over to the dude's line and handed him his extra labels. Well, so happens TJ was there as well and decided to open his mouth and thank Toby for the labels even though the other dude was the one who asked for them. Toby then said he just ignored TJ and walked away, but TJ hollered for him so Toby turned around and walked over to TJ, who then proceeded to ask Toby outright if he (TJ) did something to make Toby mad (tick him off, so to speak). Toby said he froze for a moment, not knowing how to respond to this, because he was conflicted: his first thought was just to blast TJ for the way he treated him 3 years ago, but at the same time he didn't feel like getting into it just yet. Instead, Toby looked at TJ and said, "I just don't wanna talk to you. Is that a crime?" And in a rather hateful, spiteful tone, according to Toby. Apparently this took TJ by surprise. Toby said when he told him that TJ got this look like someone shot his best friend. Or maybe it made him mad. But Toby walked away before TJ could respond. So I guess the question is: what do you think? Toby and I talked about it and he says TJ may not do anything, but if he does this may prove to be the opportunity for Toby to tell him off. I still warned Toby to be careful what you do or say as it may have bad consequences, but really, how DO you deal with someone like that? And to make matters a little more complicated, Toby ended up telling me some surprising "backstory" stuff on ol' TJ. First, the creep is supposedly miserable in his marriage. Evidently the wife is a tyrant at home where he's weak and miserable, which is probably why he's so rambunctious and rebellious at work. He's obviously insecure, due to his telling peeps how much better he is and how he has all these neat material things and so on.Supposedly his mother left when he was 15 or something, he never really knew his father, therefore he was forced to grow up on the streets. He's evidently been to jail a few times over drug-related incidents. He says he's scared to be alone which is why he's afraid to leave his wife. He's just a very odd individual. He's also quite young, very immature and can be very perverted. Toby says TJ is quite the porn junkie. I've never met him personally, don't want to either, but Toby described him in complete detail. So after hearing all of this last stuff, it makes it more difficult to deal with. I told Toby it's one thing to confront someone over a slight, but to tell someone you hate them can be disastrous, especially after learning all this "new" stuff about TJ, whether you do or not and no matter how much you want to tell him and feel he deserves it. It's just a messed up sitch. But I told Toby that maybe since he told TJ he didn't wanna talk to him that maybe TJ will get the hint and stay away from him, therefore Toby will have actually succeeded in his endeavors to let TJ know how he feels. But on the other hand, and Toby had a good point here, just telling TJ he didn't want to talk him might not be enough since, and this is true, there's got to be SOME reason WHY Toby doesn't wanna talk to TJ so TJ could quite possibly pursue the matter. And if TJ is the kind that likes to run his mouth a lot, then this latter might be the case. So....any ideas? What advice should I give Toby? Please, any open ideas, comments, prep scenarios, pros and cons, do's and don't's are all welcome and extremely appreciated. Thanks in advance.