To question the genius of a particular icon in the NBA is the equivalent of saying "The pope had a relationship with Al Qaeda." You just don't do it. But nevertheless, someone has to fall on this grenade. That someone may as well be me.

Phil Jackson, winner of nine NBA titles as a coach, and currently the commandant of the Los Angeles Lakers is being beaten like a rented mule in the Western Conference semifinals by his counterpart Rick Adelman of the Houston Rockets. I cannot even begin to describe how badly Phil is currently being out coached. My linguistic skills are insufficient for this monumental task. Some things, like the hotness of Megan Fox in the last Transformers movie, defy easy description.



Nevertheless, an attempt must be made. If I have to get the stinkeye look from some of the people I work with for blogging on company time on a Friday afternoon, then at the very least Phil Jackson must be held to account for the fact that the Lakers, inexplicably, are now needing to play a Winner Take All elimination game seven against the Rockets Sunday.

Let us count the ways that Phil is currently screwing the pooch right now.

1. Derek Fisher has no business starting for an NBA title contender.

I love Fish. I've loved him for years. I watched him be a key contributor to three NBA title teams and a steadying veteran influence since joining the Lakers for a second tour of duty a couple of years ago. I still maintain that his incredible .4 second shot against the Spurs in the playoffs is the most orgasmic moment I've ever experienced as a sports fan.

Still, he has been, and I don't know how to put it any more gently than this, absolutely horrific the last couple of months of this season. Derek Fisher is washed up. He doesn't have it any longer. Watching Phil continue to start him now is like watching a forty year old stripper continue to try and work her stuff at the local Spearmint Rhino. It's just sad and a little depressing.



2. Why hasn't Phil publicly torn Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom new "glory" holes for their play against a depleted Rockets front line?

I'm not normally a numbers guy, despite doing pricing for a living. But if my faithful readers will indulge me for a moment, I want to list a few numbers for your review.

Rockets: 6-9, 6-9 (Yeah right) and 6-6
Lakers: 7-0, 7-0, and 6-10

That would be the heights of the current front lines for the Lakers and the Rockets. The Rockets, of course, are missing all-star Yao Ming to a season ending injury and former all-star Dikembe Mutumbo to, yes, a season ending injury. And yet, the Lakers, inexplicably, are being pounded inside by this undersized and undermanned front line of the Rockets.

Attention Laker bigs: since Phil is unwilling to do it, allow me to play the stern step-father type. Where the hell are your cojones?! My wife has more cojones than you're showing me right now. This is embarrassing. This is a disgrace. This is the NBA equivalent of Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves out-acting Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino and Morgan Freeman. How do you sleep at night?!

And Phil, for the love of god, you have, in a past incarnation, publicly called out types like Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant and, yes, even Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippin, when you felt effort was lacking. Have you slipped into a coma?



3. Paging Kobe Bryant...

Speaking of slipping into a coma...Mr. Bryant, your services are needed in Emergency Room 1. Specifically, take the ball to the ******* hole! I understand that you've played roughly 25,810 games without an offseason now. I get it that your legs have a lot of miles on them. I just don't give a rat's ***! You're applying for the job of the "Greatest Player of All-Time". Settling for contested, hand-in-your-face, mid-range jump shots all game long won't get the job done. Your services are required finishing at the rim. Man the **** up! That is all.

Oh, wait, that isn't all. Phil, the buck stops with you. Again, just like with Lamar, Pau and Bynum...when something is wrong, it is your job to address it.

4. Two words: Luke. Walton.

Seriously?! Luke Walton? Luke ******* Walton?! Phil...oh Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Is Luke Walton still getting significant minutes this year's equivalent of Phil Jackson attempting to give Chris Mihm a comeback role in Game 5 of last year's NBA finals after not playing for months with an injury? Luke is different from Derek Fisher in one really significant way.

Derek, who I will love to the day I die, is a has-been. Luke Walton is a never-was. He has no business being in the rotation for a championship contending team. He brings nothing. NOTHING I SAY! To the table.

For the love of all that is holy. The Lakers better win Sunday's game or I swear I will not be held accountable for the consequences. Katrina. Mt. Vesuvius. Telemarketing. These disasters will pale in comparison to my wrath.

Ye have been warned.