Yesterday, the Large Hadron Collider was finally turned on after 14 years of development and labor. Even for a layman like me, this event has got me all worked up and for good reason. Without going into specifics (which I couldn't do even if I wanted to), the LHC is the world's largest particle accelerator, designed to crash two proton beams traveling at immense speeds into each other. Why? To recreate our universe right after the Big Bang. This in turn will allow scientists to try to find answers for some exciting, elusive questions that have plagued mankind for so long, including;

- what makes gravity so much weaker when compared to the other three fundamental forces; electromagnetism, weak interaction and strong interaction

- confirming or denying the existence of the Higgs boson or "God Particle"

- why matter seems to have such an edge over antimatter and where this violation of symmetry comes from

- getting a closer, more thorough look at the nature of dark matter and dark energy

- the existence of extra dimensions and our ability to "see" them

As you can see, discoveries in any of these fields could yield some exciting results, even for us Eddie Punchclocks and Sally Housecoats!

In addition to these admittedly intangible benefits, the LHC could spur new technological breakthroughs as well. As was the case with the LEP (the LHC's predecessor) and it's role in bringing the world wide web to the masses, so too can the LHC popularize "the Grid", a private fiber-optic network that is being employed by the scientists at CERN. It is said to be 10,000 times faster than our standard cable internet framework. Just imagine those lag-free sessions of CS this could afford us! Or the amount of porn we could download in the blink of an eye! I tell you, it's enough to make a man giddy.

However, as is sadly often the case with scientific wonders and breakthroughs, religious zealots find it necessary to do everything in their power to stop progress. The LHC and it's various affiliates and manufacturers have been fighting legal battles ever since the program was conceived. Lately, there has been a lot of talk about how the LHC could destroy our entire universe, either thanks to microscopic black holes (which indeed are a possible by-product of the experiments) that somehow manage to grow in size and swallow us whole, or because strangelets or strange matter are introduced with catastrophic consequences. Some have even hypothesized that terrorists could create terrible weapons of mass destruction from stolen antimatter created at the facility. So far, all of this has been proven to be false. Microscopic black holes don't just grown in size, whether you water them or not. Strangelets have not been created the entire time the RHIC has been in service and scientists dismiss any such fears related to the LHC. And finally, to create and contain antimatter in large enough quantities to actually weaponize it would not only bankrupt the G8, but the entire planet. I don't think we need to worry about Osama having that kind of scratch hidden away in any of his caves.

Even so, many have readied themselves for the apocalypse. In India, a deeply religious and superstitious country, tens of thousands have flocked to places of worship. Sadly, one young Indian girl even went as far as to commit suicide, for fear of getting caught in the End Times (which in itself is strange, since you're basically killing yourself to save yourself from death in the event of an apocalypse).

So far, I have been quick to dismiss these prophecies and rumors as nothing more than eschatological ravings of people taking a certain book too seriously. However, this morning I discovered a rather disturbing picture published by CERN, from the first test run of the LHC.

As this picture clearly shows, Gordon Freeman has been spotted conducting tests with the LHC. As we all know, this can only mean one thing; an imminent Xen invasion.

This is Monco, declaring the end is nigh, from his secluded bunker somewhere in the frozen tundra of Lapland.

Run...

I'm dragging myself out of the shadows briefly to bring something disheartening to your attention. If you read part two of GameSpot's Q&A with EA Games honcho Frank Gibeau, I'm sure you noticed something...disturbing:

Frank Gibeau: Well let me back up and say that core to the strategy of the company--and very specifically our label--is that we want to be online with everything we do. I'm no longer greenlighting games that are single-player only, even console products. They have to have deep online modes because that's where our fans are spending a lot of time and, frankly, that's where a lot of the value in the IPs we create can really take hold.

So just as it appeared EA had reformed itself into a productive member of society, they go and do something like this. The message is loud and clear; multiplayer must take precedent over singleplayer. One can only imagine how big a part microtransactions played in this decision.

Well, that's it for me. Catch you all on the flipside.

I was initially going to post my Muscle Car Roundup today, but unfortunately hit a bit of a snag. For a classic car buff like me, narrowing down the best muscle carsof all time into a mere top ten can be a daunting task. And on top of all that, I actually need to put them in ascending order. Dearie me...

So in the interest of filler, I decided to clear some of the old review backlog by finally posting my review for Condemned, an overlooked gem of a game way back in '05. This also lets me test out a few changes I made to the TrueScore formula devised way back when.

As always, praise and voodoo curses are welcome.

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Condemned: Criminal Origins

review

Gameplay - 9

Graphics - 9

Audio - 10

Story/Multiplayer - 8

Chin Factor - 10

TrueScore - 9.2

Condemned: Criminal Origins is a refreshing, brutal take on a familiar genre and a game that manages to flourish despite some unfortunate design choices.

Most PC gamers remember Monolith best for their excellent shooter, The Operative: No One Lives Forever. It was a refreshing, revolutionary game that spoofed 60's spy movies with hilarious dialogue, a cheery atmosphere and funny characters. As in F.E.A.R. though, none of these things have carried over to Monolith's launch title for the Xbox 360, Condemned: Criminal Origins. Instead, you find yourself immersed in a world clearly influenced by movies like Se7en, The Silence of the Lambs and other psychological horror movies. A world that is as seedy and dark as the characters that inhabit it.

The story centers on a hotshot FBI investigator named Ethan Thomas, who is framed for the murder of two police officers. To clear his name, Ethan must hunt down a serial killer in a deadly game of cat and mouse, where everything is not as it seems and paranormal occurrences are plentiful. To further complicate the situation, something is killing all the birds in certain areas of the city and driving up the crime rate, turning people in affected zones into crazed, violent savages.

"This guy gives new meaning to the old saying of having a face only a mother could love"

Condemned differs from other first person shooters in a variety of ways. The most profound difference is the scarcity of weapons and their lethality. Unlike in other games of the genre, weapons are hard to come by. Also unlike most shooters, pretty much every gun in Condemned is one-shot, one-kill. In an effort to further intensify the atmosphere and promote survival horror, ammo is extremely scarce. You have to make do with what little ammo has been loaded into the weapon as you acquire it and to make matters worse, enemies share the same reserves. This forces you to attack gun-toting enemies quickly if you wish to have any hope of using their guns before they run dry. Luckily you can use the weapon as a club after it's precious ammo has been used up. You also get a taser that incapacitates anyone long enough for you to grab their weapon, a trick that comes in handy on a couple of occasions.

All this naturally begs the question of how exactly do you defend yourself from those murderous hobos if guns are so rare? The answer is simple; with anything you can get your hands on! Be it pipes, 2x4s, electrical conduits, locker doors, paper cutters, fire axes, sledgehammers or good old fashioned desks, almost anything in the environment can be fashioned into a weapon. One strange omission is the lack of sharp weapons like knives or swords. Because of this, the game features no dismemberment whatsoever, which is also a shame and rather odd when taking into account the otherwise extremely violent nature of the game.

In order to break up the action every now and then, the game uses some extremely rudimentary CSI-esque clue hunting. Apparently Ethan is gifted with an uncanny ability to sense when evidence is around, turning the screen devoid of color and blurring his hearing. When presented with such a scenario, you have to find the evidence and analyze it using various gadgets like black lights, DNA samplers and even common digital cameras. This might sound interesting, but thanks to the extremely simple two button interface, it quickly devolves into mere pixel hunting. The fact that Ethan automatically chooses the appropriate tool for each piece of evidence further dumbs down an otherwise promising aspect of the game.

"Ah, the crowbar! That most hallowed of all videogame weapons"

Graphically, Condemned is a damn fine looking game, especially for a launch title. It's not quite as jaw-dropping as Perfect Dark Zero, but it's art design is undeniably better. Each location is gritty and downright disgusting, lending to the creepy, almost claustrophobic feel. While the level design can get a bit repetitive on occasion (a la F.E.A.R.), the game never gets tedious thanks to it's outstanding visuals that draw you in. Condemned also maintains a mostly smooth framerate, also a great plus for a launch title. The motion capture is truly something to behold. Each vagrant and freak moves with an uncanny realism, making the beatings seem that much more savage. Each hit and parry is painstakingly choreographed and it really helps bring the game alive. Looking at a bum struggling to keep his balance, swearing and pumping his fists after a brutal hit is just one of those "Did you see that?!"-moments in the game. If I had to find fault in the graphics though, it would probably be the character models. Most of them are fine (or even great), but especially during cut scenes you can clearly see that some tighter textures would have helped a great deal.

Audio often gets overlooked in a lot of games and I have honestly no clue as to why. Crusading against this, Monolith has created such a fantastic sound world that will force you to take notice. Each ghostly scream, tilting bottle and creaky door is captured beautifully and it all adds up to an unbelievable experience. If at all possible, be sure to play this game with a proper 5.1 surround sound system. It will drive you to the edge of your seat more than a few times. The music featured in Condemned is a successful, if sometimes odd mix. At certain parts in the game (especially the main screen), the soundtrack takes an almost NOLFish tone that conjures up hilarious memories. There's a fair bit of creepy tracks in there too, most of which blend in with the action nicely, occasionally rising up to scare you or highlight a particular plot point. Most often than not though, the game relies on silence to create ambience. This was a brilliant choice on Monolith's part, as it helps create tension more than any scary track and it also lets the brilliant sound world run free with your paranoia.

Even though there are a few disappointing facets, like the sometimes repetitive nature of the levels, the combat that stays pretty much the same through the entire game, idiot-proof puzzles or the story that doesn't quite deliver in the end, Condemned: Criminal Origins is a fresh take on a stagnant genre, and one that should definitely be experienced by fans of survival horror, psychological terror and visceral, brutal action. As a launch title, it is unrivaled in the Xbox 360 library and deserves a home in your collection.