To write of heartbreak, does that mean your heart must've been on the line at some point. In order to write a breath taking piece of writing, does that mean something pivotal must have happened in your life? Something profound to inspire you?
Every time I think I've experienced something close to being in love, my mind is changed by any another occurrence.
Surely a million nice things said to you should outweigh the tens of hurtful things, you would think wouldn't you?
So after what happened, am I wiser? Am I more mature in any way? In some ways I feel like I've digressed back to the naive twelve year old who fell in love with the first person who said they thought I was attractive.
I feel like I'm seeing the world with brand new eyes, like everything is so different and I can't do a thing to make it all go back to the way it was beforehand. Why is it that the ones who are supposed to love you the most, inevitably end up hurting you the worst?
When I can find sleep without trying, should I be grateful, or should I feel guilty? Should I hate myself when I can pass a full 24 hours without crying? Does that mean I'm moving on too fast? I don't know, if that were the case then why when I stop and think about it do the tears come all too easily?
I see that film and I read that book and it all makes me wonder, will such poetic, moving and loving words ever be spoken to me?
I wonder if I am ever going to be lovable enough for someone to want to protect me at every waking minute.
My mind can't help but wander to this time last year; I guess the first inclination I got that she was somehow slipping away from us, from me.
Even so, I don't think I could ever have imagined such hurtful words to come from someone whom I trusted. Someone who I thought had faith in me and vice versa. How could I have been so stupid as to trust someone who was only going to let me down?
And it's not like I do that easily, it's not like I'd give that trust to just anyone, she knew how much it took for her to gain that trust, that faith, and she let that go, she gave up.
I never understood why I could see bad things happening everywhere I looked, bad things happening to good people. I couldn't understand why, if there were such thing as a greater good, why they would let that happen.
I suppose in a way my heart breaks every day when I see these things happening, when the news is on and there's war. Sometimes even closer to home. The strained conversation between two people, one heartlessly giving up on the other with no hope to cling onto.
But then I can sometimes see hope through the veil of all this hurt and anguish, there are acts of love. More often than not these acts are small, only noticeable if you look for them. A husband opening the door for his wife, the light touch of an expectant's mothers hand over her swollen stomach. There's a smile that creeps up on you, one that you don't see coming, one that you embrace in spite of yourself. That's when you notice, those small acts, the ones that bring that tiny smile up to your face, they can wipe away all the hurt in the world, even for the slightest second, the smallest fraction of time, it's enough to give you hope, hope that maybe, the world is not always as awful as it may seem.
I can't help but cherish those moments, lock them in a box inside my head, open them up on days when the sun outside is not shining as it should.
This I suppose is a twisted version of the end of year blog. I'm not sure how it started; only I couldn't get that first line out of my head. I'm not sure if I'm going to let anyone read this. The personal stuff, it's almost harder to release than anything else of mine. I could give away everything I owned easier than letting someone inside my head.
I'm not sure why, why I have this fear, can I blame her for this? I'm not sure when it started though.
I'm angry, yes, I am, I'm angry at her and how she could do something like that to me now. I'm disgusted with her and how she managed to type those words to me and still feel happy in herself. Should it make me wonder, should it make me wary of anyone in my life at this particular moment in time? Should I keep those close away from me if it made someone else so miserable? If it made her so sad and if she was so glad to be rid of me, then why should it be different for anyone else?
Should I save everyone else the pain?
I'm so mixed up right now. I need everyone more than I ever thought I could need someone, anyone. I never thought I would be that person, that person who was dependant on others. I'm not, not normally, but then again I guess this isn't normal is it?
This year could be described as the best and worst of my life. For one I have found the best friends I ever could have hoped for in the most unexpected place. I don't know why I was lucky enough to find you, that's right, lucky. There is no way that this so called God is getting any credit for me meeting you. No way. I have travelled to my future home and fallen in love with that city. I have rediscovered music, and I have only country to thank for that. I was never really into music before, but now I have found something, I have found stories that have a melody, that have a tune, and if I'm really lucky, sometimes I can relate to those stories. This year I have spent the first summer ever alone, well not totally alone, but without my mother.
That summer, I found an independence that I crave; I found a way to get financial independence. Hell it made me tired, it made me want to saw off my feet, it made me want to spend every moment I wasn't working, sleeping. Tiring, horrible, yet in the strangest way wonderful. I spent a lot of my time with my best friend's sister. I spent the night at her house on my own and I felt so at home it scared me. Frans family have been so amazing to me, it's silly. I often catch her sister introducing me to her friends as her sister. It's like I've found a home away from home, an almost sanctuary. Francesca is my best friend and has helped me so much recently. Sure she pisses me off as I must her, but she's pretty much amazing.
So yes I've gained friends and in some respects family, but in so many ways it has been the worst year.
I've lost a friend, not in such a definite term. She's still there, she's just not who she used to be. She's lost every ounce of her personality that I loved about her. She's lost herself, and the ironic thing is she tells me how happy she is in this new self. I pity her, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of me caring. I do though. I mourn for the loss of a friend I once relied on. I miss her as much as I wish I'd never met her.
I've also lost a hero, and a father. I won't say much about it because I know doing so is a downer for everyone else, and I don't want that. I just wanted to tell him here and now, like I tried to do when he was with me, how much I love and admire him still. How amazing I think his strength is, how much in awe I am of him and how he surpassed everyone's expectations. Finally I want to thank him, for giving me something to aim for, for giving me the inspiration to live my life as I would want to. I want to thank him for being a better person than I am or could ever be, and for being so blissfully unaware of this fact. I love you.
Basically what I'm trying to say, what this has all been, is pretty much exactly what I am thinking as these last few moments of 2008 draw to a close. Every thought I have had everything I want to get off my chest. Well almost everything. This is what 2008 has been for me. The most painful, horrible year of my life and yet the most amazing, gratifying year.
I have cried so much I thought I was going to be sick. I have laughed so hard I thought my ribs would break.
You are all to thank for the best bits. And I hope that 2009 will bring more good than bad. Past January 13th of course. I think that's when my new start will begin. Once I've done the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, once I have seen him for the last time. Once I have said goodbye.
Happy New Year to one and all. May your next year be as amazing as you all deserve.