1.A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

2.What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine? 

     They both leak when they're **** sozz couldnt help but put it up

3.A guy is screw1ng a great looking blonde. 
The girl asks, "You haven't got A1DS have you?" 
He replies, "No." 
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don't want to get that again...!"(dats why u should always ware condms;P)

4.I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kis and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. 


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. 


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room. 


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks. 

5.A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t
again, you're in my closet now."

6. 
I HAD A BAD DAY

   It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
   the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
   Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
   would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
   12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
   The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told
   the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
   you died."
   "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my
   wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
   she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
   with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well,
   I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
   guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
   apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
   give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
   there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
   that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
   promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
   But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall
   and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went
   back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
   him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
   refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and
   heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
   The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had
   a heart attack and died almost instantly."
   The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
   have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK,
   Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
   A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before
   I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
   "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
   was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
   exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
   the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips
   on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy
   man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping
   on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on
   the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm
   laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
   pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the
   ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
   The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
   story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
   "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
   and he lets the man enter.
   A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell
   me about the day you died," said the angel.
   "OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
   Refrigerator......."