1.Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part
of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's
normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an
inappropriate question and my parents are going to
hear of it when I get home!"
She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not
studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you
going to be disappointed someday!"
2.The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through
the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and
licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around
and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After
about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his
tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns
around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear
tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with
you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get
the taste out of my mouth!"
3.Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days
who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce,
they keep the house.
4.("Bird" is an English Term equivalent to "Chick", and "tight" is
equivalent to "cheap")
You never would have guessed that, right?
This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down
at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for
myself, a Gin &Tonic for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat".
The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A G&T for
myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."
The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately
buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. By the end of the
evening the barman asks the man, "Look, whats the story? I have to
know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never
buys a round?"
"Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road
one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came
out and said, `Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your
heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'
"So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight ****
5.A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral
van for the last 25 years.
6.An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the
young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said
the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
