1.Here is this guy who really takes care of his body,

he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his
body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over,
except his penis and he decies to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself
in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one
looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".
The other lady says "What do you mean?"
The first lady says "Look at that".
When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild 

2.

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be 
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he 
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and 
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the 
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and 
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an 
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, 
pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. 
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. 
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, 
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and 
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more 
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding 
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, 
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking 
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could 
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this 
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / 
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and 
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with 
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these 
god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. 
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm 
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope 
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem 
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and 
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

3.Why can't Santa have children?

     He only comes once a year. 

4.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil 
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English 
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the 
other students there. After he had been there a month, his 
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of 
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she 
asked. 

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The 
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't 
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all 
night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful 
noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here 
quietly, playing my bagpipes."(no wonder they scream)

5.One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe

and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says

"See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal?

What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer.

None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

6.stick your tongue out.

Move it up and down.
Relax.
Now move it left and right.
Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.