Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009
OMG where do I begin this blog. The beginning I suppose. Yeah, lets start there. So, everybody knows of my friend Jase yeah? Just in case you don't he's been my friend since I was three, first friend I ever made in Canada. His mom treats me like one of her own kids. I consider him my brother. Well, Jase got someone pregnant. She had the baby and it was born with drugs in it's system so it was taken away by CAS. He has been in care for over a year and CAS just ruled that neither one of them can have the baby but if they have a suitable placement the CAS will consider them. That would be where the OMG comes in. Jase called a couple of nights ago and asked Chris and I if we would be able to provide a home for his son. I absolutely adore kids and this should be a no brainer. I find myself hesitant however. The child is already a year old with developmental delays because of all the drugs this girl was doing while pregnant. If your wondering she was a one off. He didn't even believe the boy was his until the DNA test came back. She had 8 guys tested so I guess that speaks for itself. I am also concerned about how Jase and this woman fit into all of this. Jase says he would just be uncle Jase same as he is with Christopher. The crack whore is adament that she wants visitation though and it would probably be granted. I have to decide by January if we are going to do this. Part of me wants to and part of me is saying stay far away from this. I cannot help but notice that once again he has turned to me to bail him out when he has messed up.
There is also another problem. Chris was charged yesterday with uttering death threats. He goes to court on November 24th to answer those charges. He says he didn't do it and I actually believe him. He has always been very upfront about any charges. He is also not an uttering threats kind of guy. He's like me in that respect. He doesn't make threats. If he is convicted of this however, there is no way we would be allowed to take Jase's baby.
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
Christopher is being master Chief for Halloween. His costume got here today. ONce Halloween is over I'm going to stuff it and keep it in the game room.
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Posted Oct 28, 2009 11:48 am PT
@polsci1503 - that right there is the reason I haven't jumped all over this. Their parental rights are not being terminated and I think there is always that posibility and I don't think I could handle it if that happened. For that reason I am honestly leaning towards not doing it.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 12:05 pm PT
STAY FAR FAR FAR AWAY FROM THIS ONE! Normally I would be on the other side of the fence, but this is just too much. The child has a disability, thats no easy task at all. Do you really want the cracked out mother coming in and out of your home?! I know your temper, and I can just see you suddenly not blogging on here anymore because she pissed you off and you beat her ass and went to jail. It looks like right now you need to focus on your family. I can't seem to wrap my brain around this charge Chris got..... I mean its a case of hear say, the guy said Chris said things, Chris denies them, and case closed. You can't take hear/say to court. Whoever actually charged Chris should be questioned himself. What an idiot.
I am dressing up as a Gorilla this year. I have never been a gorilla before and I have always wanted to dress up in a gorilla suit and walk the streets. Hopefully I will not get shot........
I can see it now.......
"LOOK SASQUATCH! LETS KILL IT!" **BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM** I'm dead......
I am dressing up as a Gorilla this year. I have never been a gorilla before and I have always wanted to dress up in a gorilla suit and walk the streets. Hopefully I will not get shot........
I can see it now.......
"LOOK SASQUATCH! LETS KILL IT!" **BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM** I'm dead......
Posted Oct 28, 2009 12:33 pm PT
I have to agree with Scott and Sean. This is just a little too much for Jase to be asking you. Your family situation is fragile as it is and adding in a child, especially a disabled one is just asking for your marriage to fall apart. I know you want to help your friend, but your family has to come first and this is asking a lot of them. I would say stay away.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 1:09 pm PT
@tiggerboy - Sean. Like I said, I am leaning hard towards not going there. I feel bad for the kid and all, but there is being a friend and there is being totally taken advantage of. Jase matters a lot to me, but not enough to help my marriage go down in flames. Chris says if I want the boy, he will agree to it, but as I said, I don't think it is a good idea really. I just wanted to see what you guys thought. Your opinion means a hell of a lot to me. Thanks. \
Speaking of babies, what's going on with your adoption process. YOu haven't spoken of it for a long time. Hows the wife feeling? I think a gorilla costume is an awewome idea. Very cool choice. I am going out as satan once again. I will get the same joke I get every year from Chris and the boy. Your supposed to dress up for Halloween mommy, not go as yourself. Hahahahahaha, Yeah. \
@Setho10 - I'm glad that it isn't just me that thinks that. I'm going to feel bad for letting him down, but in all reality, this is not my problem. I have to worry about my family first just like you said. \
How's everything going with you? I am really looking forward to seeing you over the christmas holidays. Chris and the boy are also really pleased that you are coming. I think we will have a blast.
Speaking of babies, what's going on with your adoption process. YOu haven't spoken of it for a long time. Hows the wife feeling? I think a gorilla costume is an awewome idea. Very cool choice. I am going out as satan once again. I will get the same joke I get every year from Chris and the boy. Your supposed to dress up for Halloween mommy, not go as yourself. Hahahahahaha, Yeah. \
@Setho10 - I'm glad that it isn't just me that thinks that. I'm going to feel bad for letting him down, but in all reality, this is not my problem. I have to worry about my family first just like you said. \
How's everything going with you? I am really looking forward to seeing you over the christmas holidays. Chris and the boy are also really pleased that you are coming. I think we will have a blast.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 2:24 pm PT
I'll keep it short, sweet & blunt.
Unless she signs away parental & visitation rights, don't do it. Now for the ramble: do you ever go to the dog pound and wish you can adopt them all? Sure you do, because you're a loving person who cares about living things that need you and you can groom to be amazing contributors to society. You don't do it because its not feasible. Jase is asking alot, and if the mother signed away the rights that would be one thing, if she doesn't that's not your problem, you shouldn't have to deal with it. It's one thing to do it for Jase, its another to do it for a crack head skank whore.
Unless she signs away parental & visitation rights, don't do it. Now for the ramble: do you ever go to the dog pound and wish you can adopt them all? Sure you do, because you're a loving person who cares about living things that need you and you can groom to be amazing contributors to society. You don't do it because its not feasible. Jase is asking alot, and if the mother signed away the rights that would be one thing, if she doesn't that's not your problem, you shouldn't have to deal with it. It's one thing to do it for Jase, its another to do it for a crack head skank whore.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 3:14 pm PT
Kelly...You know, I'm a mother of a special needs child and let me tell you, it is no easy task. It's emotionally and physically draining and it takes a special kind of person to care for such a child, and care for that child properly. Although, the task of taking on a special needs child is a monumental one, it is also the most rewarding experience I have ever experienced in my life. I was much like you and Dan when it came to people, I despised most of them. Not so much now. Life seems loads better, the trees seem greener and you walk away everyday with a sense of fulfillment and appreciation for life and all the little things people take for granted. With all that being said, my special needs child changed my life and for that he saved me in more ways then one.
However, given the situation, I would want assurance, by way of a lawyer and signed documents, that the mother could not swoop in and take that child, when she saw fit. You do what you feel you should do and what is in the best interest of the child and your family. This is not a decision that should be taken lightly nor made without the consent of your family, including your son. Having a special need child demands a lot of your attention and affects your other children in more ways than one. And hey if you have any questions or wanna talk about it..you just let me know. Good luck!
However, given the situation, I would want assurance, by way of a lawyer and signed documents, that the mother could not swoop in and take that child, when she saw fit. You do what you feel you should do and what is in the best interest of the child and your family. This is not a decision that should be taken lightly nor made without the consent of your family, including your son. Having a special need child demands a lot of your attention and affects your other children in more ways than one. And hey if you have any questions or wanna talk about it..you just let me know. Good luck!
Posted Oct 28, 2009 3:27 pm PT
@ImaginaryFriend - Yes you are correct. It would be different (maybe) if she was either stripped of or agreed to sign away parental rights. Unfortunately for this child, she views it as a way to make money. She is already on the dole and if she were to get the child back, she would get a ridiculous amount of money each month. Mothers allowance in Ontario is $1300 per month for 1 child and then another 600 per month if the child is disabled. \
Jase is my friend and because I really do love children, this hasn't been an easy decision for me. I've looked at it from all angles. For starters, Jase and all the others were told by her that she was covered for birth control. That right there tells me she did this on purpose, and since she is already on the dole it was just to increase her monthly check. Welfare is $800 per month for a single person and you have to look for a job for 8 hours everyday and be able to prove it or you get cut off. Once you are pregnant, no more job searching. \
At least he knows he isn't capable of looking after a baby. I think it's better that he just admit he is not capable of looking after an infant then for something bad to happen to it because it was forced upon him kwim? Wow, I'm ramblling. Anyway, as it stands at this moment, I have decided that my friend is going to have to clean up his own mess this time.
Jase is my friend and because I really do love children, this hasn't been an easy decision for me. I've looked at it from all angles. For starters, Jase and all the others were told by her that she was covered for birth control. That right there tells me she did this on purpose, and since she is already on the dole it was just to increase her monthly check. Welfare is $800 per month for a single person and you have to look for a job for 8 hours everyday and be able to prove it or you get cut off. Once you are pregnant, no more job searching. \
At least he knows he isn't capable of looking after a baby. I think it's better that he just admit he is not capable of looking after an infant then for something bad to happen to it because it was forced upon him kwim? Wow, I'm ramblling. Anyway, as it stands at this moment, I have decided that my friend is going to have to clean up his own mess this time.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 3:43 pm PT
@MsCortana - I was really, really hoping you would drop in. The child was born addicted to heroin. Obviously he is ok now, but it was horrible I guess and they do not at this point know how bad the damage is, the only thing the doctors have been able to tell me is that he is developementally delayed. They thought he might be blind and deaf, but it turns out they were wrong. He can see, he just doesn't track things like a normal baby does. He can hear, but his hearing is damaged. He is going to have to have a coclear (I don;t know if I spelled that right) implant. LIke I said, if I could get some legal document saying that she no longer has any parental rights, I would very seriously consider taking the boy in. I'm being selfish really, because I don't think I would be able to handle investing my love to a baby that is going to eventually be taken away from me. I think it would break my heart. What I really think I need to do is have a talk with my lawyer and the CAS to see what is required and what rights the mother does or doesn't have.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 3:49 pm PT
I don't have much to add because Scott pretty much said it all already. Jase ran out of favors a while ago, so if you're looking at things from that perspective, you shouldn't do it. Then again, I've seen some amazing people, a man at my church comes to mind who is housing a homeless man at his business. He gives and gives and asks for nothing in return. To me, that's what true hospitality is. Giving someone something they really need.
So, hospitality. What does Jase really need? Does he need you to watch his son, to raise him like your own, because he is unfit? Or does he need you to say no? For you to tell him this needs to stop and he needs to get his life straight.
I don't know Kelly. This is a HUGE favor to ask. And I think you're right to lean away from it. My brother-in-law did not take the opportunity for primary custody when he had the chance and now he is locked in a bitter, expensive custody battle that has obviously scarred his daughter (she is a master at manipulation at only eight) and driven him to the brink of bankruptcy. If something like that CAN be avoided, I say avoid it.
So, hospitality. What does Jase really need? Does he need you to watch his son, to raise him like your own, because he is unfit? Or does he need you to say no? For you to tell him this needs to stop and he needs to get his life straight.
I don't know Kelly. This is a HUGE favor to ask. And I think you're right to lean away from it. My brother-in-law did not take the opportunity for primary custody when he had the chance and now he is locked in a bitter, expensive custody battle that has obviously scarred his daughter (she is a master at manipulation at only eight) and driven him to the brink of bankruptcy. If something like that CAN be avoided, I say avoid it.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 5:10 pm PT
I can only echo what others have said. This is just too big a responsibility to take on. The kid is going to need a lot of special care, but even if that was not the case you would still be letting this very unstable seeming woman into your life, probably forever. And this "uncle Jase" stuff is BS. He's going to be with the kid when he feels like it and disappear when he feels like it. Passing off parenting responsibilities is not something a friend should do. If you say "no" and Jase is in any way angry with you he is not your friend.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 6:04 pm PT
Chris was charged with uttering death threats? Please try to find some good legal assistance...sometimes that can make all the difference. I hope everything goes well in court, Kelly.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 6:14 pm PT
My thoughts seem to be aligned with almost everyone's here. I know you're wanting to help a friend... but there somes a time where even helping out of the goodness of your own heart presents a vulnerability you've never had before. Taking care of the child is one thing, but it's the mother wanting to see her child that bothers me. My personal feelings when someone is doing drugs while pregnant is they have lost the right to see that child. They have damaged a life before it even begins, and I just don't generally like drug abusers in the first place. She's gotten herself in a serious mess, and you alone already have enough responsiblities. Her and her child should not be tacked on to it. Plus, sometimes no matter how long you've been friends with someone, it's just best to let them sort out their own problems. Whatever you decide, though, I know you'll make the best decision you can.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 6:56 pm PT
If all else fails he could try threatening the judge?
I won't comment on the situation as I don't really know enough about it to give you anything useful. And I'm too lazy to think of two jokes in one comment.
I won't comment on the situation as I don't really know enough about it to give you anything useful. And I'm too lazy to think of two jokes in one comment.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 8:08 pm PT
I'm doing great Kelly. I'm really looking forward to seeing you too. I really don't think you should take in this kid. Like you say, it's not your problem and you shouldn't be responsible for this.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 9:24 pm PT
Stay far back, that is way too much to ask from your friend. It shouldn't be your problem anyway.
Posted Oct 28, 2009 9:33 pm PT
I can't really offer any more advice, as others have covered most of the bases. Like johnsteed said, if your refusal upsets Jase (if you do), then that is his problem. It sounds like you and Jase have been through a lot, and it would be a shame to lose that if you do take on the child, but some time down the road you come to a disagreement and he tries to take the child back out of spite. I don't know him and whether he is capable of that, but I'd play it safe and make that not be a possibility.
Posted Oct 29, 2009 6:52 am PT
Kel, I know he's your best friend, and my God you've gone above and beyond for Jase, but I'm not sure on this one. Sounds like it could turn out bad in more ways than one. Best of luck dear.
B
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Posted Oct 29, 2009 6:46 pm PT
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polsci1503
Second, this has got to be the the final straw for favors for Jase. Friend or not, he's got to realize that what he's asking you to do is above and beyond what any of us should ever ask a friend to do for us. This is huge... time, money, responsibility... Uncle Jase is the easy job. You've bailed this guy out too many times already, it's time for him to step up and give back as a friend. I know he's a good guy, but man... talk about leaning on other people, this is ridiculous.