What's going on lately??? Everything, really everything goes horribly wrong and it's killing me. And the "best" thing is that I even started to pray again because I'm getting desperate about my whole life, but whatever I pray for works out exactly the way I pray that it WON'T! This is crazy. Am I such a horrible person that I deserve to be punished like that? Seriously?

I've gotten to the point where I almost don't wanna get out of bed in the morning because I already now that the day is gonna suck big time. Mostly I just sit around in my bed and watch TV, because that's the only thing that keeps me from thinking about all this stuff. Í can't concentrate on anything else anymore. When I'm at university, I listen to the prof for maybe 15 minutes and then I can't focus anymore and my mind drifts off to all the problems I have.

Is this the price for that ONE hour of joy and happiness I felt last week? For every hour I'm happy there's a hundred hours where I'm so desperate I'm close to crying in public? Well, if it is, then I'd rather have no happiness at all anymore. Because for maybe two days I managed to get rid of the despair by bringing up the memories of that one hour, but after those two days it just didn't work anymore and by now the memory is fading anyways. Somehow everything seems to be fading...