What's going on lately??? Everything, really everything goes horribly wrong and it's killing me. And the "best" thing is that I even started to pray again because I'm getting desperate about my whole life, but whatever I pray for works out exactly the way I pray that it WON'T! This is crazy. Am I such a horrible person that I deserve to be punished like that? Seriously?

I've gotten to the point where I almost don't wanna get out of bed in the morning because I already now that the day is gonna suck big time. Mostly I just sit around in my bed and watch TV, because that's the only thing that keeps me from thinking about all this stuff. Í can't concentrate on anything else anymore. When I'm at university, I listen to the prof for maybe 15 minutes and then I can't focus anymore and my mind drifts off to all the problems I have.

Is this the price for that ONE hour of joy and happiness I felt last week? For every hour I'm happy there's a hundred hours where I'm so desperate I'm close to crying in public? Well, if it is, then I'd rather have no happiness at all anymore. Because for maybe two days I managed to get rid of the despair by bringing up the memories of that one hour, but after those two days it just didn't work anymore and by now the memory is fading anyways. Somehow everything seems to be fading...

I think I'm watching too much TV. I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. But though they're weird, they are kinda entertaining too. And it's probably better than dreaming about the things I am thinking about during the day...

Sooo, Thursday night I dreamed that I was in prison and there was a mean guard there, so I escaped one day before I would have been released. The guards were searching for me and I kept running away from them and I was hiding and there was this handsome dark-haired guy that helped me .

Seriously, I don't know where that came from. I haven't watched Prison Break in about half a year!

Then last night I dreamed that I was in the city shopping with some friends and there was a dangerous criminal on the run and I saw him, so we had to hide. Then we went into some kind of bar/cinema thing and watched a movie about two gay boys falling in love... No clue where that came from either.

But I gotta tell ya, those dreams are pretty cool as long as I'm dreaming them. It's like when I'm in the dream, it's more like I am acting than feeling like this is really happening. It's hard to explain. But it's pretty enjoyable .

Someone new moved into my flat share, in the room that is reserved for students from abroad. I was hoping that there would come a hot italian or spanish guy maybe, but I got a nice guy from Switzerland. He's not hot - but he seems to be nice.

I think that's it for now.

...I want one of THESE! My iPod is one of my most valuable possessions (and one of my obsessions too ), but it's already 2 years old and it's only got a 2 GB cache and that's just not enough . I'm thinking about buying the 16 GB one, that should be enough . So I guess I'll have to save some money so I'll be able to buy one by, let's say, christmas. I just can't decide on a color... but the yellow one looks pretty awesome.