There's a few subjects that shouldn't be brought up. Religion is high on most peoples' list simply because "I'm right, and you're an idiot." Politics is up there also because "I'm right, and you're a @#$%ing idiot." And sitting at the very top, above race, religion, politics, and a man's daughter is any conversation that begins with "I had a dream last night."

Having said that...

Last night I had I nightmare where I was programming weather alert radios.

Okay, that might not sound so scary to YOU, but I had chills from it, lemmetellyou. (*sigh* Guess I gotta explain this one.)

For you Yankees, @#$% furiners, and other unwashed masses, here's why hearing "We need someone at the office to program a weather radio" over the intercom is the stuff nightmares are made of. The deep south in the US has the most unpredictable weather season on the planet. We've got the one weather phenomena that is unique to our area, TORNADOES.

Earthquakes, floods, blizzards and a host of other disasters are democratic; every person is affected evenly. But a tornado will utterly destroy one home and leave a flimsy lawn chair unscathed next door.

True story: When I was just shy of being a teenager, our neighbor's oak tree was picked up out of the ground, roots and all, and came crashing down into our OTHER neighbor's den. Our house? No damage at all. Mine and my brother's bicycles were still sitting propped up against our garage where we'd left them that evening. But at the house behind us, the massive garage door was GONE.

Everyone knows that southern men have a rifle rack in the truck, a grill on the back porch made out of a discarded oil drum, and a bottle of Jack Daniels sitting on top of the fridge. But a little known requirement to get the Southern Boy Seal of Approval is to have a weather alert radio with a fresh set of batteries on the dresser in the bedroom.

And redneck that I am, I've got one, of course. Mine has several useful features; you can set it for the style of alert (from natural disasters to product recalls or any combination), or to a specific county or combination of counties, or even use it as simple alarm clock. And being the STUPID redneck that I am, I mentioned to the people at work that the one we're selling is the same style I have at home.

So guess who get's to do the @#$% programming for all the customers?

Not once, not twice, not just a few times. WE'VE SOLD SEVERAL THOUSANDS !!! And we're selling not just to people in our city. Setting every radio exactly alike would be too easy; I've got to remember the codes and setting for every blessed county and city around us.

And simply programming the @#$% things isn't enough. I have to show each and every customer how to USE them. "Ya see that big button to says ON? Push it once to turn it on." "Ya see that button that says OFF?..." (Personally, I'd rather read the INSTRUCTIONS THAT COME IN THE BOX than trust my life to some long haired freak I've never met before. But that's just me.)

I've pushed the same buttons, and recited the same speech for hours and hours, shift after shift, day after day, for too long now. And after we had a mild weather alert go thru the area the other day, we're starting to have customers bring their weather alert radios complaining that they're not working.

Why?

Because I left out the most important part of my speech.

So I've added something to my patter.

"You see this cord with the adapter at one end and the two prongs at the other? And on the back of the radio, you see this little hole that says "AC Outlet?..."