Uh...

Hi?

Uh...

(Tell 'em you were kidnapped by aliens and miraculously escaped.)

Uh...

(Tell 'em you drove off a cliff and were in a coma while your evil twin brother stole your life.)

Uh..

(I got it. A time warp. You feel thru one and landed a year in the future. You haven't missed any time at all.)

Uh...

(C'mon dude. ANYTHING. They're so dumbfounded to see you actually post something, they're in shock. Come up with something while you can. They'll get the tar and feathers out if you give them time to gather their wits.)

Uh...

*sigh*

Yeah, I've been gone awhile. But I've got a good excuse. (Gimme a sec while I come up with one.)

Okay, here's what happened. Yeah, as my daughter said, my computer died a horrible and bloody death. No big deal. But as I was dealing with that minor issue, I was able to purchase a foreclosure home. (Now that the kids are grown and gone, I'd been looking for a larger home I could afford for a while.) Corner lot. Six foot privacy fence. 20' by 25' deck. A second bath. A GARAGE!!!.

And at a price not to be believed.

The only caveat? It needed new carpet. Surprisingly, the bank agreed to put in new carpet to close the deal. So I paid the earnest money and got ready to move.

Only thing was...

There wasn't a provision in the contract where I could say "THAT color?!!! Have you lost your @#$% mind?!!!"

So I bought a house with the butt-ugliest new carpet you've ever seen. How ugly? Okay, Imagine cat vomit. And then the dog piddled on it. And then they ate THAT and vomited it back up. Not quite there yet, but it's close. Let's make this gag-inducing color neon bright and we're getting as close as we dare without scarring someone for life.

Okay, we've got the color. But what about the quality?

Toilet tissue thickness?

Nah. WAY too thick compared to this carpet. Well... Maybe one-ply... But not that "national brand" one ply. That cheap cost-cutter stuff you find in the markdown bin of the local Big Lots. (When even THEY have to mark it down....)

Anyway...

After spending all blessed day signing and initialing a gazillion sheets of paper for a full day at the lawyers' office, all I had energy to do was grab a sofa out of storage and hope to get a few hours sleep in my new home before I went to work the next day. (So I didn't plan this too well. I'm a guy. What can I say?)

The very first night I discovered that the lack of light didn't protect me from the monstrosity of that carpet. I swear that ugly, vile, nasty, HIDEOUS carpet glowed in the dark!!!

I quickly decided that since I was going to replace the flooring before I moved the first stick of furniture in, I might as well do it right, and put in hardwood flooring. So after signing away my life's savings, I had to dig into my "emergency" money and bought $3500 worth of wood. The next week I bought the buckets of glue... and the mallets... and the spacers... and the joints... and the... *sigh* (Oh well. I guess I can eat NEXT week.)

Okay, I've bought a house. Bought enough flooring to redo the whole dang thing. What else do I have to do?

Well... Since you asked...

How about buying a new water heater once the utilities are on and the repairman you call in says it's not just a small leak, but a chasm in the tank itself?

ARGH !!!

Okay, no cable for a while? I can deal. No internet? Well, there's always the local public library. (Having tried it, lemme tell you; DO NOT EVEN TRY. Especially if you need to save some data. Do they really think anyone else even HAS floppy disks anymore?!!!) No meals out; that's for dang sure. And unless I absolutely HAVE to take my truck, we can ride in YOUR car, thankyewverymuch.

Later...

Finally got to the point where I'm not afraid the next pair of pants I buy is gonna cause my entire checking account to come crashing down. Hardwood in MOST of the house. (How in the WORLD is fifty cases of planks not enough?!!! Oh yeah. Because I'm a guy and ruined a coupla cases before I would admit I didn't know what I was doing.) Need new cabinets in the kitchen, but it's not a priority. Master bathroom has new tile and bathtub (Don't even THINK about asking.) New railing around the deck. The fence needs a new gate, but I'll just prop the old one up for a while. Grass and seed planted on the back side of the fence. Finally got a riding mower, just days before I went into permanent traction from mowing two acres with a push mower.

Okay.

Guess I'm to the point where I can get cable and the internet again.

Wait. What's that noise?

Oh. It's just the sound of my truck's motor seizing up.

*sigh*

So what have Y'ALL been doing with your time?

One final thing. I gotta ask. Who the @#$% puts carpet in a kitchen?!!!