I can still remember the day, over 5 years ago now, that my mother told me our dog Jake had disappeared. I had moved out of my parent's house by then, but it was still very hard to hear. I grew up with that dog. I had fond memories of him. Almost all of my memories of Jake also included my mother. He was rarely out of her sight and was inconsolable if she ever left the house without him. I knew that she would be taking his disappearance hard.

Still, I was shocked when I learned, about a week later, that she had taken another dog home with her after her now daily animal shelter searches for Jake. When I asked why she had done this, her only response was that he looked like a needed a home. His name was Cody.

Paying a visit to the house to check this dog out, I could see why my mother was drawn to him. Cody was a black Labrador, like Jake. But I soon discovered that his personality was completely different.

Unlike the calm, obedient Jake, Cody was in constant need of attention, and he didn't care what he had to do to get it. Nudging people's hands, getting in people's way as they walked, knocking things over, barking for hours... all these activities were worth it if he got a good petting out of them. For the next 5 years, no phone call with my mother would be complete without her stopping at least once in mid sentence, yelling at Cody, and then returning to our conversation. Every time I would come to visit and Cody would get in my way, my mother would look at me apologetically and say "he was a rebound dog".

Cody died last month. He was an old dog and we all saw it coming, but despite her constant griping about him, Cody's death hit my mother pretty hard. One of the first things she said to me when I came to visit her afterward was "I need another rebound dog".

After weeks of searching, my mother finally found a dog she could adopt. He was part of a litter of puppies, his parents had no history of any physical ailments and were both good family dogs, and he seemed very healthy. My mother was very pleased that she could have a dog that she could train as a puppy. She named him Riley.

There was one small problem with Riley, however. He could not be released to my mother until he reached a certain age. It would be three weeks before she could take him home. "I want him now", she told me over the phone. I assured my mother that the time would pass quickly.

Apparently, it did not pass quickly enough.

Days later, there was a new addition to the family. My mother had brought home a female black Labrador puppy. The rebound dog was just too far away, so she passed the time with a "decoy dog". "I could always return her when the other puppy gets here", she told me jokingly. More seriously, my mother explained that it would be nice for the two puppies to play with each other. I guess that's how she rationalized this.

The day Riley was to be picked up was also the day I had planned on visiting my parents. When I arrived, they had already gone to pick up Riley, leaving me alone with my brother and the puppy. I was told they decided to name her Rachel. I didn't like that name, so I call her Decoy.

When I leaned over to pet Decoy, she greeted me by jumping up and knocking me on my butt. Keep in mind I have about 170 pounds on her. I also learned fairly quickly that she took great pleasure in biting things. Cardboard boxes, electrical cables, human flesh, it was all the same to her. The cuts and bruises on both my hands are nice reminders of my visit.

Before too long, my parent's car pulled up with Riley. I was amazed at how calm Riley was compared to the other dog. When my mother put him down, he just stood there, taking in the yard or listening attentively if one of us talked to him. He seemed a bit nervous, but was eager to explore.

Decoy had other ideas about what her new brother should be doing.

Though she was only playing, Decoy is several weeks older than Riley, and much bigger. She bats him around with ease. If Riley doesn't want to play, there's very little he can do to stop Decoy from forcing the issue. Attempting to hide in a shoe certainly didn't work

Eventually he took to hiding under a dresser. Decoy was too big to follow him, so that did provide some safety.

Decoy was nice enough to stop hunting Riley for a moment and pose for me.

Eventually, we locked Decoy in her cage, giving Riley some peace.

That won't last forever though. I fear Riley will be hunted by his overactive sibling for his entire life. He may be able to handle the biting better than my finger can, but living with Decoy is certainly going to test this new puppy. All because my mother couldn't wait three weeks.

Needless to say, the ducks find this all highly amusing.

You get an email from a manager asking why a July 12, 2009 certification has not yet appeared in our company's computer system. Checking your calendar to make sure you have not gone insane, you discover that the current date is June 26, 2009. How do you respond to this email?

A) Assure the manager that you are working on the problem and you are hopeful a solution will be found within 3 weeks.

B) Explain to the manager that the mechanism necessary for bending the space-time continuum was not included in this year's budget.

C) Do not reply. Instead, simply shake your head in disgust and contemplate the gradual dumbing down of our species.

D) March into the manager's office and ask "are you ******* kidding me?!".

50 picarats for the correct answer

There is a small kitchen in our office. This kitchen contains a refrigerator. The refrigerator is used by most of the staff to store food. Most of the staff... but not me.

In the years I have worked here I have heard the same story from several different people. They put a soda in the refrigerator in the morning, come back to retrieve it for lunch, and the soda has vanished. Keep in mind you need an ID to access this area of the building. Which means that one of the staff was thirsty, saw a drink that was not theirs in the refrigerator, and decided that taking it was preferable to going downstairs and buying their own.

After only a few weeks of working here I decided the company fridge was no place for my food. Why so many others have failed to see this puzzles me. But even I was shocked by what I saw in the kitchen moments ago.

Attached to the refrigerator was a note from our CEO addressed "to the person who took a plastic container, contents a salad in a ziploc bag" The subject was "courtesy and respect". I could detail the contents of the note for you, but is there really a need?

On the off chance there is, let me explain why the note was written. Someone who works here apparently walked in to the company kitchen and made off with the CEOs lunch. I do not know what kind of salary my coworkers receive, but I find it extremely difficult to believe that any one of them is so poor that they need to resort to theft in order to feed themselves.

I did not need another reason to detest my coworkers. But I just got one.