First of all, I guess I need to explain that here in the U.S., "FROOT LOOPS," besides being a sugary kids' breakfast cereal, also means CRAZY. It doesn't necessarily indicate that the person in question has a psychiatric diagnosis, just that they are not like the rest of us.

So, back in January, I took a part time job working 4-8 as a telephone customer service rep. I take incoming customer service calls for a major direct marketing mail-order home-delivery service that has been in business for over thirty years. I am the real person you finally get to talk to after pressing every button on your phone twice and entering your account number three times. Please be kind to me. I have no control over the automated voice response system.

Anyway, my first week on the job, twenty minutes before the end of my shift, I got this call from a lady who had just received her first delivery from us...a free sample that she (or one of her alternate personalities or one of the voices in her head) had requested. How do I know she requested it? Because we don't send out random shipments. Granted, sometimes, as a joke, someone will order one of our cosmetic products for a man or something from our pain reliever line for a boss who's a pain in the bum, but usually when this happens, we just apologize, cancel the account and remove the person from all solicitation.

Well, it wasn't that simple with this wacko. She wanted to know how we got her name, why we were sending her this sh**, and how we got her credit card number. Now remember, this is a free sample. On the package, it says, "Thank you for trying abcdxyz. Here is the free sample you requested." (No it's not really abcdxyz. I'd just rather not name the product. Never know who might be reading, LOL. Chances are some of you have received some of the crap this company sells. Don't blame me. I just cancel the accounts when you realize you can buy the same thing or better at the drugstore for one-third the price.)

She yelled at me for twenty minutes about how it was a scam and a fraud and I wasn't giving her any satisfaction (get a man if that's what you want...or a toy will do in a pinch...so I'm told) she was going to call her lawyer, the state attorney general, and the U.S. Postal Service --What are they going to do? Smother me in stamps???-- And every time she pauses for breath, I keep telling her, "I do apologize for the concern ma'am. I have canceled the account so you will not receive any further shipments, removed your name from all of our mailing lists, and placed you on our 'do not call' list so you should not be receiving any further communication from us except for the cancellation confirmation letter that I will be sending out Monday."

"Blah, blah, blah, yak, yak, yak, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, and whiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnne. I want to talk to your supervisor."

"Ma'am, I assure you, I have done everything that needs to be done to purge your name from our system."

"I don't care what you tell me. I know you people have some kind of line that you use to defraud people and I want to talk to your supervisor."

"Well, ma'am, I can do anything else you need me to do, if you would just tell me what that is," I say in most polite voice.

"Don't give me you bullsh!t. Just get me your supervisor now."

"I have signaled my supervisor ma'am but she is busy on a call with another agent so it may be a few minutes."

"I know you're lying to me." Of course you do. You have psychic powers and can see that the other 35 people in this room are sitting around picking their noses because you are the only person in the United States who has nothing better to do on a Friday night that call this 1-800 number and b*tch at me.

So my supervisor finally comes and takes over the call, and what do I hear?

"That was a free sample ma'am . . . No, we don't have your credit card ma'am . . . Because it was only a free sample, ma'am . . . We only send out samples upon request . . . Well I do apologize for the concern ma'am . . . I see that Jo has already canceled the account for you so you waon;t be receiving any further shipments, ma'am . . . Jo has already removed you from our mailing list and placed you on our do not call list, ma'am, so you won't be receiving any further communication from us except for the cancellation confirmation letter that will go out Monday . . . Jo has already done everthing that needs to be done to purge your name from our system, ma'am . . . Well, I'm trying very hard to satisfy you, ma'am, but I don't know what else you want me to do . . . I assure you it isn't a line, a scam, or a fraud, ma'am, we've been in business for over 30 years . . . Well, then, you're just going to have to do whatever you need to do, ma'am, becase there is nothing else we can do for you here. CLICK!"

I almost wet my pants laughing. Twenty minutes I listened to the witch and was civil and polite the whole time even though I was thinking nasty thoughts. My boss takes the call, and in ten minutes she 'tips' (industry slang for losing your cool). Of course, my boss and I got paid for listening to her, and she just wasted half an hour of her life on a Friday night. How pathetic is that?

My boss thinks wackos like that are in witness protection and when they get something they didn't order or expect, they freak out and think they've been found. I asked her if, next time I got a call like that I could tell the caller, "That's right, lady, this is a scam. We just sent that to see if you really are living there. Uncle Vinnie killed the family in that blue house down the street and he's been lying in wait there since we sent that package; but now he's on his way to your house."

My boss just told me to shut up and go home.

I'm sure I'll have another FROOT LOOP story in a couple of days. Seems we have an endless supply of them in this country.