I just got this in my e-mail and thought it was cute, so I decided to share it with y'all.

Mike and Karen were about to get married when Mike's dad decided to sit him down and have a chat.

"Son, I am about to share with you the secret to a long and happy marriage, are you listening?" Mike's dad said.

Mike nodded and his dad said, "On our wedding night, when we got up to the Honeymoon Suite and got ready for bed, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother. 'Here, try these on,' I told her."

"She stepped into them and told me, 'These are much too big. I can't wear these.'"

"'Exactly!' I told her. 'I wear the pants in this family. I want you to remember that.' Your mother's never forgotten it, and we have never had any problems."

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here- you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

Ok, this is for the people playing SVU Hangman. My feelings will be really hurt if I don't at least get a couple of comments.

I mentioned on the hangman board that today was more interesting than most. Now you will see just how dull my life is.

A few years ago, I discovered that I was allergic to sweet potatoes. They made me break out in itchy red hives all over my arms, thighs, chest belly, and back. Not a big deal. For some strange reason, yams don't cause me any problems, and they taste about the same, so I just eat them when I have a hankering for sweet potatoes.

Then I found a Betty Crocker Sweet Potato Casserole mix on sale this past Christmas and bought three of them. We had one for the family dinner, and it was good.

And it gave me hives.

So, we had two boxes of sweet potato casserole mix sitting in the pantry, and my mother has been driving me freaking nuts for the past six months to use them up. I swear three weekends a month she will nag me about making one of the mixes. The problem is, besides me, she is the only one in the house who eats sweet potatoes, and I can't anymore, so it has to wait for a big family holiday when we have company to help eat the casserole. We didn't throw a New Years party and every one else was off doing their own things at Easter, so there hasn't been an opportunity to make them since Christmas. Then I noticed that they have a sweet potato pie recipe on the box, so she demanded that I make sweet potato pie for the Fourth of July.

So, I had the ingredients all mixed up and Mom says, "You're not going to bake them now, are you?"

"That's what I had planned."

"It's too hot. I don't want you heating up my kitchen on such a hot day. Wait until it cools off tonight to bake them."

I did as ordered because sometimes it just doesn't pay to fight the insanity. I actually waited until the next day to bake the pies because I was too tired to stay up waiting for it to cool off so I could bake them that night.

So, we had two sweet potato pies and no one but mom and me to eat them. She starts nagging me about helping her eat them up, and I have to remind her that I am allergic, I break out in hives, I don't want to risk the reaction getting worse and someday maybe making my windpipe swell shut.

She keeps nagging,

"Fine, I'll eat a slice." I take a narrow slice about 1/2 inch wide at the crust edge and narrowing to a razor sharp point. I eat it, enjoy it, knowing I'll regret it.

Hours later, no rash. Feeling emboldened, I take another tiny slice. Mmmmm. Sooooo good. By 1:00 a.m., still no rash, so I have another piece as a bedtime snack. Altogether, they didn't amount to a whole slice. I did the same thing on Sunday with no ill effects.

Today I woke up later than usual, too late for breakfast but too early for lunch. The pie was there. I took a teeny, tiny wedge of it.

On an empty stomach.

Half an hour later, I had a lobster-red rash and hives all over my thighs, belly, chest, back, and arms. I took a Benadryl and two Vitamin C tablets (a natural antihistamine) and it was mostly gone by six.

At least now my mom believes me when I tell her I am allergic to sweet potatoes.

And if anyone can explain why I am allergic to sweet potatoes and not yams, I would love to know just because I am a curious person.

And that is a day in my so-caled life.

Back in January, I took a part time job as a telephone customer service representative for a major direct mail marketer and mail-order service that has been in business for over thirty years in the U.S., Canada, and Europe. I take incoming customer service calls - questions, complaints, order changes, and phone payments - so can proudly say that I am NOT a telemarketer. I just have to deal with the people they p!ss off. However, the people who work in the next room over are telemarketers, and I have learned some things from listening to them.

Most of this I am sure you already know or have suspected, but it can be encouraging to have your suspicions confirmed, and maybe I can provide a few tidbits that are news to you. Also, any laws cited apply to the United States only. I don't know what the deal is in other countries. You'll have to look that up for yourself.

So, here are eleven things you may or may not know about telemarketers.

1. Telemarketers are totally focused on SELLING you something in the shortest time possible. They get paid a low wage plus commissions. Commissions are their bread and butter, so if they don't sell, they can't pay the electric bill. That'swhytheytalksofastandmumbleabouttheforty-threeshipmentsofblemish-removingcreamyouhavetobuyatjusttwenyt-nineninetyfiveplusshippingandnhandlingpershipmenttoget your FREE HOME SPA TREATMENT VALUED AT ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS! It's underhanded, but it's legal, and be honest, if it meant the difference between having an asthma inhaler for your kid or telling him he had to ride the bench while his teammates played for the league championships because you couldn't risk him having an asthma attack, you'd sell your little heart out, wouldn't you?

2. Telemarketers are NOT evil. They ARE people just like you, stuck in a crappy job because they have bills to pay, kids to feed, pets to neuter, and a future in which they would some day like to retire. Odds are, they didn't CHOOSE to be a telemarketer, they got stuck with it and they are looking for a better job. Maybe the person who calls you is a twenty-year-old kid with lupus who's been sick since she was eight years old and is too medically fragile to do a more physically demanding job. She's smart enough to be a doctor, but her health doesn't allow her the stamina to complete her education and she doesn't want to live off disability (i.e. YOUR tax dollars) so she has taken a sit-down job where she can drink lots of water and go pee whenever she needs to because her meds affect her kidneys and she has to stay hydrated if she wants to stay out of the hospital. Maybe he's a forty-three-year-old construction worker who was permanently disabled when a steel beam fell on him and has spent the last year of his life learning to walk again and use the computer. Now the state considers him employable even though he needs crutches to walk and can't go back to his old job in construction, but without more education, he isn't qualified for any other job that uses his new computer skills.

3. Telemarketers DO NOT hang up on you the moment you answer the phone. If you think that's what happening, consider this: By hanging up, they are losing a potential sale. What really happens is this: A computer dials four numbers at the same time. The first person to answer goes through to the telemarketer, and the computer hangs up on the rest. The numbers that didn't get answers go back to the bottom of the list and get called again . . . and again . . . and again . . . until you answer.

4. Telemarketers actually ARE allowed to hang up on you, under the right circumstances. They can't just hang up because the person at the other end is being rude and cussing them out, although since you are all compassionate people who understand how desperate a person has to be to take a telemarketing job, I know that would never happen. If, however, the person is non-responsive or asks them to hold, they are allowed to hang up after a specified period of time. The general time frame is about two minutes.

5. Under Federal Law, certain charities are allowed to call you. Even putting your name on the National Do Not Call List will not stop that.

6. Under Federal Law, companies that you have contacted and companies with which you have done business are allowed to call you. "Doing business" includes purchasing a product, sending in the warranty information, requesting free samples of something or trial issues of a magazine, requesting price quotes for insurance, sending in surveys or playing sweepstakes/lottery type games to win a free gift, or - this is the one that blows my mind - doing business with a sister company. To understand the sister company idea, take a look at this website http://www.trilegiant.com/ If you sign up and pay by credit card (the only way TO sign up) for ANY of the services over on the left side of the screen, ALL of those companies now have legal access to your information . . . even your credit card number. They can't do anything with that information (other than contact you) without your consent, but they have sneaky ways of getting your consent. Isn't it freaking ironic that they market Privacy Guard? ROFLMFAO!

7. Under Federal Law, even charities, companies with whom you have done or currently do business, and telemarketing companies not subject to the National Do Not Call Registry MUST HONOR their own Do Not Call lists. The trick is getting your name on them.

8. Under Federal Law, telemarketers are REQUIRED to tell you certain things:

• the name of the company and what they are selling.
  
• how much you will be paying for what you buy BEFORE you pay.
  
• whether the sale are final and/or non-refundable.
  
• if it is a prize promotion, the odds of winning, any expenses or conditions associated with claiming a prize, and that there is no purchase necessary to participate.

9. Under Federal Law, telemarketers are PROHIBITED from

• misrepresenting the cost or quality of goods or services.
  
• making false or misleading statements to persuade you to make a purchase.
  
• misleading you to purchase a credit card protection service that provides protection already provided under Federal Law.

10. Under Federal Law, if a telemarketer has your credit card information, and offers you something on a 'free trial basis' before charging your account, then the telemarketer must get your permission to use the account number, ask you to confirm the number by repeating the last four digits, and record the entire phone transaction.

11. If a telemarketer says they don't know how they got your information, that is probably true. Chances are, all they really know is that the computer dialed your number, you answered, and they have to try to sell you something now. Even if the information is in the computer, it is probably coded in a way that the poor schmuck on the phone hasn't been taught to read it because the powers that be in the company don't WANT the agents to be able to provide that information to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. If you knew how they got your information, you would take steps to prevent it in the future, and their list of potential customers would rapidly dwindle.

Now, I wouldn't be very nice if I gave you all of this juicy information and didn't tell you how to use it to your advantage, would I? Next time I get the chance to blog for a while, I'll give you some hints on how to deal with telemarketers without turning into a horrible, screaming, yelling person.