Please stop pronouncing "mischievous" as mis-chee-vee-us. It's illogical and hurts my precious ears. It's bad enough that you think "snuck" is the correct past tense of "sneak," but I can let that slide because at least it makes sense. That is all.

Cherry,
Blueberry,
Lemon Meringue,
Banana Cream...

Pie is such a versatile little dessert, so very delicious in each of its various flavors. However, nothing is more enjoyable than irrational pi. Story time! John's wonderful grandmother bakes him a two-dozen batch of her famous (prize-winning, even) chocolate chip cookies. Unfortunately, grandma left the cookies on the counter to cool, thereby enticing her little French poodle, Mimi, to hop up and snag a few cookies. I don't know if you've heard, but chocolate isn't good for dogs. While grandma drives Mimi to the hospital, John decides to munch on these delectable treats. Being the philanthropist that he is, he decides to call up seven of his closest friends to share in the delight. Unfortunately, Timmy across the street has contracted the AIDS and cannot come over. Best wishes to him and his family. The six healthy friends that remain come on over, leaving the door wide open and even tracking mud all over grandma's new hallway rug like filthy savages. Boy is she going to be upset! They gather around, staring wide-eyed at the pan of cookies. One boy starts to drool; another envisions each chocolate chip taking on a devil-like persona, begging him to devour them all! Now, there are twenty-two cookies and seven people. Dilemma!

This looks like a job for the mathematician! What do we call twenty-two divided by seven, class? That's right! It's a fraction! However, this fraction is a well-known approximation for a very special irrational number. Irrational numbers go on and on, much like the ramblings of your war veteran grandfather (and this blog) and more precisely cannot be written as a ratio of two integers. The one in question is called "pi" and is truly a magnificent thing. I would ask you to speculate a world in which pi does not exist, but it pains me too much to even propose such an absurdity. What exactly IS pi, you ask? Why, it's the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter! Here's the catch: for every circle, this ratio is the same! PI IS MIND-BOGGLING! Are you impressed yet, you bastard?! *shakes you repeatedly* Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Please, no restraining orders...

You're probably wondering what you can do with pi, because numbers, my friends, are sadly not for consumption. Scenario time! Do you want to carpet that neat circular room on the second story of your house, even though your mother is strongly against you living in that neighborhood anyway and wants you to buy a nice condominium closer to the shore? YOU NEED PI! Do you want to cover your brother's basketball with lovely pink chiffon that was on sale at Michaels for only like two bucks a yard, which is way better than that hideous polka-dotted pattern that your best friend used to upholster her piano bench? YOU NEED PI! Do you want to refill a can of baked beans that you not only stole from the church's charity drive, but also used its contents to fill a bucket that you placed atop your brother's door so that when he got up that morning the bucket poured beans all over him? YOU FOOL! YOU NEED PI!

Now, in order to avoid error, I'm going to need you to memorize pi with me. I currently have the first forty-five digits down (ahem, 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399), and I expect you all to surpass my claim. And please, no being "clever" and copy/pasting from a site that lists the digits of pi. I'll chop off your hands if you try such a deceit.

If you're wondering what the seven friends did with the twenty-two cookies, I'm afraid the story does not end well. You see, grandma's house had been constructed over an ancient burial ground. The spirits of the fallen folk were not pleased and had been devising a plan for decades how to get rid of her and her family. While John and his friends discussed how much pi was teh rox0rz (those dweebs), the evil spirits sneaked in through the open front door and cyanide-ed the cookies! Just then, grandma returned happily from the hospital. Mimi survived the ordeal! However, she was so upset with the way John's friends ruined her carpet that she threw the cookies away! Whew, that was a close one! Just then the house exploded due to unknown causes.

THE END

March 14: Mark your calendars for PI DAY!

I marked mine:

Words can be scary, so please allow me to start off with the warning that this post contains no pictures. I repeat, NO PICTURES! Hit that back button on your browser if you're not a fan of the reading of the words.

Now, as we try to get through each day, we are plagued by questions. These flurries of inquisition range from the absolutely absurd to the sternly serious.

"What are you up to today?"
"Are you watching this?"
"Do you feel all right?"
"How did she get a guy like him?"
"Why do you keep making that weird noise?"
"Does this look infected?"
"Can you pass me that last slice of pepperoni?"
...ad infinitum

Though each question generally varies from its predecessor, I always find one word common to each reply that I give. Allow me to demonstrate.

"I'm definitely up for anything."
"If you change the channel, I will definitely kill you."
"Well, I'm definitely not feeling fantastic since you showed up."
"God definitely works in mysterious ways."
"If I'm annoying you, then I shall definitely continue doing it."
"You should definitely see a doctor."
"Definitely not; I've had my eye on that for a while."

"Definitely" is such an awesome word. It really helps to succinctly answer any questions that you may confront throughout the day. However, friendly internet people, allow me to explain its one fault. You see, "definitely" is also great as a response on message boards.

"Wasn't that the best episode of Arrested Development you've ever seen?"
"Yes, it definitely rocked."

Unfortunately, I usually have to cringe when I see it written out. It seems that people are stupid. Of course, that idiocy is just a generalization and does not apply to everyone, but it probably applies to you. Chances are, you are one of the many who cannot spell this word correctly, no matter how obvious that spelling may be. No, it is not "definately," "definetely," or any of your other wacky spellings. People, sound it out: def-in-ite-ly.

Yes, the English language can be tricky, what with its silent Ks and I-Before-Es, but when you misspell a word that can be written phonetically, that just equals sadness. I must point out that a person's inability to spell is not always reflective of his overall intelligence, but because I'm close-minded I will always correlate misspellings with stupidity. So, now is your chance to reform and become a better person. Holophonor believes in you, and that has to be worth something in this crazy world.

Oh, and don't even get me started on "your" versus "you're," or I'll be writing here all day, taking brief breaks to yank out my hair.

Fine, for being a good sport you can have ONE picture, but don't you come around here begging for more, you bum.



It's best to not ask...