I caught up with some old friends on the Facebook website. I thought it would be great to get in contact with people I haven't seen in up to 11 years - but I kind of feel that it isn't the best idea now. I was always the girl in school who was responsible, reliable, sensible - I never stepped out of line (unless you call being warned in class for talking on one occasion stepping out of line). I grew up to be just as sensible as I was in school - that's who I am and while I admit that sometimes I wish I could be more outgoing and not so shy - I'm happy with who I am as a person.

I got in contact with a girl I had been friends with in school and we were very different in school - she dared do everything I didn't - but we got along. I thought though that she'd grown up, more of an adult you could say - she had a steady job and was studying - but a long telephone conversation where she had more than a few to drink saw me hear a side of her I didn't like. I've been trying really hard in the last 18 months to not be so judgemental of people and to let the past go - especially high school - and I'm pleased to say that it's working well for me, made me a better person in a small way. To hear her go after people though in a vicious way about things that happened years ago - it annoyed me, aggravated me even. Not to mention it was a one-sided conversation - 90% about her and I would have been lucky to even get 10% about myself. I've always wanted a friend that engaged in conversation - not just took me as a listener. Maybe that's part of my problem - I'm a very good listener - I've had a lifetime to practice it, but I like to have the chance to talk about myself and my life too. People keep telling me that I need to be more selfish - yet everytime I do something selfish - those same 'friends' are the first ones to go off at me. I think I've become cynical overtime. I longer consider that I have friends - just varying degrees of acquaintances. No one seems to be bothered, or care even, about me - they all just want to talk about themselves and I'm tired of that. It's a scary feeling when after years of rebuilding your life and dealing with everything you realise that you haven't gained anything. I'm 26 years of age, I have no friends and haven't been on a date in far too long. To be unloved, unwanted and friendless at 26 is hardly where I want to be. Sure I'm happy with the type of person I am, but it would be great to go out for coffee with a friend, or go on a date with a guy who didn't think that it had to end in bed...

I watched 27 Dresses yesterday and I sympathised with Jane's character, but at least she had friends and got the ending she wanted...I don't think I can keep on believing in happy endings. Life is life and while we all navigate it the best we can - we don't always end up where we want.

Anyway that's how I feel at 12.15 in the morning when I should be in bed - early morning start with work. I hope things in your life are better than mine. :-)

Much love, History