Me: Ben, Kevin, thank you for joining me.

Ben: depressed Yeah.

Kevin: depressed Whatever.

Me: As you know, Gwen can't be here. She has tae kwon do...and a heart.

Kevin: Don't look at me.

Me: That's why I'm going to start with Ben.

Ben: Go ahead. Do your worst.

Segue

Me: You know, your heart is in the right place, but your mind is not.

Kevin: Not to mention; if he ever gets another message from that girl that says how much she hates him...

Me: Not to mention you lost your profit making all those weapons.

Kevin: That was a tough decision to make. I could either get rich on a war-torn planet or go home with nothing.

Me: Well, that was a very bold sacrifice you made. I'm sure Gwen really appreciates that.

Kevin doesn't respond

Me: Kevin, might I suggest you learn how to play piano?

Kevin: What's piano?

I hold up a picture

Kevin: Oh, that thing! Um, I might, if it gets Gwen's attention.

Segue

Me: I think this experience has a lot of morale to it.

Ben: sarcastically You think? The moral is don't mess up.

Me: Yeah, but it's hard not to mess up, so you'll have to work on that by the time you become Ben 10,000...or Ben 1,000,903. I really don't care.

Segue

Kevin: This could be one of the worst secrets Ben will ever have.

Me: We learn from our mistakes; no one should be ashamed of that.

Ben: That's not what I'm ashamed of. What I'm ashamed of is now that girl might be spending time in a factory instead of a school.

Me: In that case, I can't help you.

Segue

Me: You know what we can learn from this?

Kevin: Keep your heart in the right place?

Me: No, but that's good. I was thinking "countries are like statues; when you mess 'em up, they're hard to fix."

Ben: Make all the analogies you want; they won't make the war any better.

Me: That's why you should never get involved in politics.

Kevin: Or the military.

Me: Or business. And Kevin, good luck with that piano.

Kevin: Don't I need lessons?

Me: I'll find someone for you. But until then, I'll be thinking of a catchphrase.

End of interview