Dear Gwen,

I've been seeing that encounter between you and Verdona. It's good that a woman feels confident about herself. But about kissing boys....how many guys have you cheated? Are there not enough girls in your high school to go around? Nothing personal, just don't admit you've kissed someone other than Kevin...in front of Kevin. Unless by kissing guys, you mean like what Taylor Swift does and sing about what it would feel like kissing them. Unless you do that, lay off the "romance" for a while.

Sincerely (works better than "Love"), Daniel

I was going to get my blood tested this morning. The doctor said I couldn't eat anything before the test, so I would have to leave first thing in the morning. However, I had trouble sleeping and, feeling hungry, I went to the kitchen...to eat something. So-

Good news: I don't have to get my blood tested.

Bad news: My mom's angry now that I can't get my blood tested.

Be prepared; these rants will scare the brains out of Hannity. Good thing his neck is made of bricks. Ready?

• FOX News? More like ***** News!
• That hole from Glenn's rectal surgery last year hasn't healed enough for him to stop talking out of it!
• Obama's a socialist? We elected him! Unlike the last guy...
• Obama's a Nazi? He's black! The last time I checked, Nazis were "racially pure," which was most likely the same thing whites said before the civil rights movement!
• Obama's trying to indoctrinate our kids? Hypocrites! You're indoctrinating us with baseless claims like the ones listed above!
• I hope kids stay in school because then, when they grow up, they will vote you out of existence!
• Glenn Beck: everyone's favorite bipolar, I'm sorry, bipartisan news broadcaster.
• Sean Hannity: the man made whoppers so big, he swallowed one whole and it's still stuck in his throat!
• You guys are more of an *** than the Democrats!
• Hey Glenn! Who gave you four kids? Whoever it was, I bet you're single now!
• Hey Hannity! Where's that Hate Hannity Hotline you use to have? I would have called you out so hard the meter would break!
• Obama's destroying America? What about you? You're destroying our integrity!

Go ahead and report me, but just remember to think twice before you accept anything as a fact. How about this one? I bet the newscasters got their breaks being "Town Criers."