So, this is my second year. And I guess this is finally really the end for me. I still try to post blogs, but does anyone notice or care? Would it make a difference if I never came back? I remember when I was really screwed up and this was the only place I had friends. And by some divine miracle they all slowly disappeard and leaving me to be the last.

If anyone still wishes to contact me:

www.myspace.com/richardcalifornia

I remember when this was a place I called home, but it isn't here anymore. I remember when this all meant something...

...and as I woke up today, I started staring out the window of my room at the outside world. At the sky, and as the sky falls against my back I see a gray, white, and blue cloud collage and then goes on for what could be forever, I feel so alive. So fortunate, I remember a few years ago thinking about what life would be like at the age I'm in now and just the future in general and I could have never guessed that things would be like this, even though things right now aren't that interesting. But still, I'd never thought I'd be facing the darkest...and brightest...parts of myself almost simultaneously, Being allowed so close to the spirit of creation and destruction. Its always been here for all of us, it cradles us as children and its present at every moment and every mistake. It comforts us in growth, death, birth, car crashes, microscope stores, camp fires, hotel rooms, hospital beds, in every mall and every zoo. And today, even being on trial with myself I'm more aware than ever that its been with me all along and all we have to do is just accept how little control we have and welcome it. I believe in nothing but love and eternal forward momentum.

I don't know where my life is going, but I KNOW for sure that it's going somewhere great. I've got a lot ahead of me, and believe me my friends this is only the beginning. The stuff I'm starting to write for Cold Capsules constantly reminds me of why I wanted to start this band in the first place. It feels different in all the ways I needed it and me to change...and ohh baby I like it raw.

(...)

Here I am again, as you can see in my bio, I've cleaned it up a bit.

I never thought I'd leave this site, I always wondered how users that worked so hard to get too high levels would just...disappear. Now I know.

I guess that it just...happens. Sooner or later everyone's going to forget about us. It's like that soap opera "The Bold And The Beautiful", my grandma has been watching that show for about 40 something years, the characters that were on then are all gone now, but those characters paved the way for new characters. The new characters eventually became old characters, and eventually they were gone.

And that happens over and over forever.

It's paralell to our situation here. Almost all my friends here are gone, and I'm sure that they are thinking the same thing. I think my friend on here Morgan will eventually figure this out. He's becoming one of the older members now.

I'm always going to be here, I have too be. Everyone here and in my real life is moving on. Everyone's ahead. Except for me. I feel like I need to stay back and push forward those who get behind.

So here I stand,

Forever waiting...