Pun #1 …
A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder. On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetary in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late ... the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid...
Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

Pun #2 …
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn".

Pun #3 …
A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left and was immediately recaptured.
Moral of the story - Warning! The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.

Pun #4 …
The King asked for three glasses of water. But his servant brought him two and a half glasses instead. What was the King's name?
Philip the Third

Pun #5 …
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake froze over. The peddler realized that he could cut off 2 miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be danged if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"

Pun #6 …
In a certain city in Eastern Spain, there was a movie theater. The builders of the theater only built a single emergency exit door, rather than the two required by law. Sure enough there was a fire and several people were trampled to death.
The moral: Don't put all your basques in one exit.

Pun #7 …
Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows. Therefore, he'd visit them every morning and tell them joe-ks. The cows laughed and laughed and gave excellent milk. But the news got around about the cows. They became known as the laughing stock of the community.

Pun #8 …
There was a man who loved to make up puns. One day a local magazine sponsored a pun-contest. The man entered the contest ten different times in the hope that at least one of his puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Pun #9 …
This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute, but the company went under one time when it received an order for a million pounds of the stuff. Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing the product and much of it was wasted. They were not able to deliver in time. The company had not allowed enough margarine for error.

Pun #10 …
A man visiting Scotland one day drove through Fife. Feeling hungry, he stopped at a chinese restaurent he was passing. The food he ate there was by far the tastiest food he had ever eaten, so when he asked for the bill, he was astounded to find out that there was no charge. The waiter simply told him, "The best Ying's in Fife are free."

Pun #11 …
Explorer Leif Ericson returned from his voyage to the new world only to find that his name had been removed from the town register. He complained at the town meeting, viewing it as a slight. The town official immediately apologized, saying he must have taken Leif off his census.

Pun #12 …
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

Pun #13 …
A guy goes to his dentist complaining that something feels very wrong in his mouth. The dentist takes a look and shakes his head saying, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely disintegrated. Something has eroded it almost completely away. What have you been eating?" The fellow replies, "Well, all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it she called Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much that now I eat it on everything; my meat, my fish, on vegetables, on toast....on everything!"
"Well," said the dentist, "that's the answer. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice which is highly corrosive and that has eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one and this time I'd better make it out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
To which the dentist replied...
"It's simple."
"Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Pun #14 …
There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it." Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

Pun #15 …
Did you hear the one about when the CEO of IBM had appendicitis? He went into surgery, and the doctor opened him up, but his appendix wasn't where it was supposed to be. Instead, the Big Guy's bladder was sitting right there. The doctor thought that he cut in the right place, and decided to start looking around for the appendix by poking around some. Eventually, the doc was able to locate the missing organ, and took it out. The doctor wrote about his experiences, and called the new surgical procedure, "Climbing the Corporate Bladder."

Pun #16 …
A leopard entered the Jungle Olympics every four years and always won the gold medal in the Long Jump. He got tired of this and the next Olympics decided try the High Jump and the Javelin. He did very poorly in both, thus proving that a leopard can't change his sports.

Pun #17 …
Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn't find it because it had disappeared into thin heir.

Pun #18 …
A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men, one sitting under a tree reading a book and the other typing away at his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him instantly. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Pun #19 …
Hangin's too good for a man who makes puns… He should be drawn and quoted.

Pun #20 …
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Pun #21 …
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Pun #22 …
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the restroom equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

Pun #23 …
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Pun #24 …
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested for violation of the Mann Act, which prohibits transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Pun #25 …
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Pun #26 …
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Pun #27 …
A husband with little English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying 'she is unbearable'. Getting a blank stare he tried: 'she is impregnable'. Then finally he figured he had it: 'she is inconceivable!'

Pun #28 …
A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party - that cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.

Pun #29 …
A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

Pun #30 …
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

Pun #31 …
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

Pun #32 …
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

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Inverse World

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Map of Humanity

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