College

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in ****s whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into ****one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended ****s in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before **** Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exsts between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

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The Secret of Antigravity...

Q: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet, But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

A: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of - starship and off aliens crash on top of them.

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device. One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to temperamental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?

I offer a modest proposal: We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the Laundromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use T-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

AND THE RESPONSE TO THIS from a fan of the experimental scientific method: This is a clear case of the difference between theoretical and experimental science. Experimental science demonstrates that nature does not "resolve" paradoxes, it simply prevents them from arising in the first place. In this case, that prevention was apparently caused by an old scientific axiom -- the act of performing an experiment may invalidate its outcome. The most well known example of this is the Heisenberg uncertainty principle from physics. Recognizing that something similar might be going on, the suggested experiment was performed 100 times using 100 volunteer experimenters, 100 slices of buttered bread, and 100 (uncooperative) cats. Results are summarized below:

* 51 cases reported that the cat escaped prior to being configured for the experiment.

* 24 cases reported that the cat delivered sufficient damage to the bread holding apparatus that the experiment could not be performed.

* 23 cases reported that the cat delivered sufficient damage to the experimenter that the experiment could not be performed.

* 1 case reported that the bread revolved around the cat until the butter side was face down on the cat's belly, at which point the cat landed on its feet and the bread landed butter side down.

* Two cases failed to report their results, but the labs in which the experiments were planned to take place are now rubble. In both cases, bloody cat prints were seen leading away from the epicenter of the devastation.

* Zero cases reported any observable antigravity.

Although results are preliminary, we believe the cat-butter paradox is prevented from ever happening by what we have tentatively called "the certainty principle" -- that any cat facing this experiment is certain to be an unwilling participant.

Disclaimer: No actual cats were injured in the course of these experiments. Alas, the same cannot be said for bread (or experimenters).

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More Food Fun

Facts about the Human Body

As you age, your eye color gets lighter.

There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).

The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.

There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Animal Kingdom".

Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years. A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.

In 1985, the most popular waist size for men's pants was 32. In 2003, it's 36.

Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.

In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

Newest trend in the Netherlands: Tiny jewels implanted directly into the eye.

A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.

Jeffrey and Sheryl McGowen in Houston turned to vitro fertilization. Two eggs were implanted in Sheryl's womb, and both of them split. Sheryl gave birth to two sets of identical twins at once.

In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 34B. Today it's 36C.

The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.

Every year, 2700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges, and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes.

We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.

Pain is measured in units of "dols". The instrument used to measure pain is a "dolorimeter".

The Amish a diet high in meat, dairy, refined sugars and calories. Yet obesity is virtually unknown among them. The difference is since they have no TVs, cars or powered machines, they spend their time in manual labor.

As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds. There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, but a death every 13 seconds.

Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

A baby is born without kneecaps. They appear between age 2 and 6.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

The arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem called the "circle of Willis" looks like a stick person with a large head.

Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to prevent heart disease.

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

The average person laughs 15 times a day.

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Fun With Food

The Office Game

One Point

* Run one lap around the office at top speed.
* Ignore the first five people who say "Good morning" to you.
* Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
* To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
* Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
* Walk sideways to the photocopier.
* While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three Points

* Say to your boss, "I like your ****" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
* Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
* Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
* Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
* Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Points

* At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
* Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
* For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
* Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
* After every sentence, say "Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
* While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
* In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
* At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
* In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10 am slot: "See how I look in tights." (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
* Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
* Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
* Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
* Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
* Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
* Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
* Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
* Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
* During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
* Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

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Actual Country-Western Song Titles

(At least 180 real song titles, in alphabetical order.)

80 Proof Bottle Of Tear Stopper

All I Want From You

All My Exes Live In Texas

Am I Double Parked By The Curbstone Of Your Heart?

At The Gas Station Of Love, I Got The Self Service Pump

Bubba Shot The Jukebox

Cow Cow Boogie

Did I Shave My Legs For This? (By Deana Carter)

Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You

Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Yo-Mind (By Tammy Wynette)

Don't Squeeze My Sharmon

Don't Strike A Match To The Book Of Love

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Get The Hammer Mama, There's A Head On Papa's Fly (Now That's The Best One Yet)

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

Go Back To Texas And Cheesey French Fry Lake

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

Her Only Bad Habit Is Me

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

Hold On To Your Men, 'Cause She's Single Again

How Can I Get Over You If You Won't Get Out From Under Me?

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Don't Do Floors

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade

I Gave Her The Ring, And She Gave Me The Finger

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You

I Got The Hungries For Your Love, And I'm Waitin' In Your Welfare Line

I Got Through Everything But The Door

I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming

I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine.

I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up

I Sat Down On A Bear Trap (Just This Morning)

I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin Better

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Want A Beer As Cold As My Ex-Wife's Heart

I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me

I Was Looking Back To See If You Were Looking Back To See If I Was Looking Back To See If You Were Looking Back At Me

I Went Back To My Fourth Wife For The Third Time And Gave Her A Second Chance To Make A First ****Fool Out Of Me (By Rev. Billy C. Wirtz)

I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I Would Kiss You Through The Screen Door But It'd Strain Our Love

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'd Like To Check You For Ticks

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Thru You

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

I'd Like You A Whole Lot Better If We Slept Together

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing

I'd Rather Pass A Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Had A Nose Full Of Nickels, I'd Sneeze Them All Atchoo

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out By Now.

If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen The Train

If The Jukebox Took Teardrops

If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me

If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure

If You Can't Feel It, It Ain't There

If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It

If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave

If You See Me Gettin' Smaller, It's Cause I'm Leavin' You

I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him

I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

I'll Tennessee You In My Dreams

I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home

I'm Gonna Put A Aar In The Back Of My Car And Drive Myself To Drink (From The Album "Fear Of Fryin'" By "Eggs Over Easy")

I'm Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

I'm Quittin' Wild Turkey Cold Turkey

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

I'm Under The Table Over You

It Ain't Love, But It Ain't Bad

It Ain't Easy Being Easy

It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)

It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long

It's Not The High Cost Of Living, It's The Cost Of Living High

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I've Got $5 And It's Saturday Night

I've Got The Cob, If You've Got The Corn

Jim, I Wore A Tie Today

Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket

Make Me Late For Work Today

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Baby's Head)

Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, So I Guess It Wasn't You

My Red Neck, My White Socks, And My Blue Ribbon Beer

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Nashville Rash

Occasional Wife

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

Our Love Is Illegal, Cause Our Names Ain't The Same

Overlonely And Underkissed

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

Phantom Of The Opry

Pick Me Up On Your Way Down

Please Bypass This Heart.

Poultry Promenade

Queen Of My Doublewide Trailer

Redneck Martians Stole My Baby

Refried Dreams

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas

She's Actin' Single... I'm Drinkin' Doubles

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

She's Got The Rhythm (And I Got The Blues)

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

The Bridge Washed Out And I Can't Swim And My Baby's On The Other Side

The Last Word In 'Lonesome' Is 'Me'

The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)

The Pint Of No Return

There Ain't Enough Room In My Fruit Of The Looms To Hold All My Lovin' For You

There's A Tear In My Beer

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

Tight Fittin' Jeans

Touch Me With More Than Your Hands

Trainwreck Of Emotion

Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother (By Jerry Jeff Walker)

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

Waitin' In Your Welfare Line

What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made A Loser Out Of Me

When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?

Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?

Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?

Why Did You Leave The One You Left Me For?

Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw? (By Jimmy Buffett On "All The Great Hits")

Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?

Yard Sale

You Can Lock Me Up In Jail & Throw Away The Key, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breaking Out (By Randy Scruggs)

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

You Stuck My Heart In An Old Tin Can And Shot It Off A Log

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life

You're A Cross I Can't Bear

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns

You're A Hangnail On My Heart And I'm Gonna Cut You Off

You're A Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch

You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation

You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face? (By The Louvin Brothers)