I took a vacation for the first time in over four years over Christmas week, and got to spend much time reflecting on my life. I have come to the conclusion that I am currently in what could best be described as a midlife crisis. It is an odd feeling to realize that you may have more of your life behind you than ahead of you. I've always been obsessed with mortalitly...just not my own. For as long back as I can remember I was obsessed with my grandmother dying. I don't even know how I understood what death was at such a young age. I hadn't had anyone close to me die until I was in my 30s, yet as a small child it was all I could think of. I feared being alone. Now I find myself constantly wondering how much time I have left, and whether I'll even be remembered once I'm gone. I find that I long for the past more and more, seeing very little worthwhile in the present and constantly longing for "the good old days". It's a bit paradoxical, as I'm rational enough to admit that things were far from perfect in the past, and despite what it might sound like I have no desire to relive my childhood or my high school years or whatever. What I do feel is bombarded by every mistake I've ever made. Things I did but shouldn't have, things I shouldn't have done but should have at least tried. Reflecting on the things I missed out on, mostly by choice, and wishing for another chance to experience them.

I suppose this is something that will probably just pass. I've heard of people doing things like quit their job or rob a bank or date a high school cheerleader to deal with this, but I doubt I'll do any of those things. I do feel very different right now, even from just a week ago. Even trying to make a joke feels so forced...

I had another of those dreams again, about her. Actually, I'm pretty sure she wasn't in this dream at all, but her mother was, and I was trying to get a message to her through her mother, but somehow couldn't, and then her mother was gone, as was my chance to get back into contact with her. As usual, this led to an extensive Internet search for her, and as usual, there seems to be absolutely nothing. So many people I know are suddenly getting on Facebook, but not her. So I did the unthinkable, and searched for her mother. Strangely enough, I found her through Reunion.com, and if I were to subscribe I'd be able to send her an email. So now what? Is it considered appropriate to contact the mother of someone you haven't seen in over two decades and ask "Hey, how's your daughter?" The problem is that this seems like a one-shot opportunity, otherwise it be bordering on stalking (as if it isn't already), so contacting her through a third party may mean she never even gets the message. On the other hand, this might be the only opportunity I ever get. I'd just hate to get a return message from her mother saying "Screw you," and never know for sure that she even told her daughter that I was asking for her. I don't particularly want a "Screw you" from the daughter either, but at least I'd know that I succeeded in contacting her.

Why isn't anything ever easy?