Hello people. This blog was basically born out of the fact that I wanted to play around in photoshop! Since Gossip Girl season two premiered the other day, in it's wonderful satirical fashion it mocks the society it represents, so I thought I would take a leaf out of their book. Thus here's my spoof recap of the season opener. It looks long, but it's just a lot of screencaps!
First we start off with a long and boring recap... after, Serena walks on the beach looking all model mysterious. However she gets a mouth full of Bass for talking smack about him and his decision to manwhore instead of running off with Blair to France.
The fun starts here… (Blair has a new "boyfriend", he's American it seems), but for Chuck it's emo faces all the way.
Spotted: Chuck Bass working out how he can strangle Lord Marcus AKA 'James' with his scarf.
It's the next day and Blair's raving about Lord Marcus AKA 'James' to Serena, but Chuck isn't buying what she's selling. Serena acting the bimbo is like: 'whaaa? Who's James? Did you get a gigolo?'
Chuck's all, 'no Blair. You're a lying liar who lies. Once you go Bass you never go back. Now sit still while I Jedi-mind trick you.'
'Hmm?'
Blah Blah Blah, after this we're in Brooklyn again but that's even worse than the boring MILF sex scenes.
Dan's all 'struggling writer guy' and his social-climbing sister (Jenny) is working in a sweatshop, ran by a woman with crazy hair. If you would like to see the woman with crazy hair please click here.
Chuck is checking out Serena's Grandma. He ain't ageist.
Chuck pulls another emo face.
Ouch. That's a lot blow from Blair, not only did she take her pin back from Natey, she gave it to that dickwod Lord Marcus AKA 'James'.
Chuck runs away crying and now wants to go listen to some Dashboard Confessional. Blair talks him off the edge… and instead tells him she loves, like REALLY REALLY Ken and Barbie loves Lord Marcus AKA 'James'.
Blair starts crying because she knows that her declaration of love for Lord Marcus AKA 'James' has driven Chuck to go listen to Dashboard Confessional songs… which means he'll be crying during sex from now on.
Nate got some serious MILF action in the premiere. Too bad despite the fact that he was half naked in this scene it was STILL totally boring. Although, I think the writers have finally worked out what Nate is good for. Not saying much, half nude. If you would like to see more pictures of Nate 'half nude' please click here. At some point Natey gets almost caught by his MILFs husband, it's all very dramatic and I'm bored. Lala, what's MotherChucker doing?
Chuck bumps into Blair the next day and informs her that her beloved Lord Marcus AKA 'James' is a lying liar who lies; he schools in Princeton not Georgetown… thus ensues an argument.
'Georgetown!'
'Princeton!'
5 hours later...
'You suck. Yah, you do.'
Nate and Serena are talking about… well I don't know. I wasn't listening, but Nate looked confused, again. If you would like to see more pictures of Nate looking confused please click here and here.
The boys are playing croquet. Chuck's a metrosexual, so as usual has an outfit for every occasion. Oh Chuck, you diabolical bastard.
Because he's 'Chuck Bass' (and not ironically) he has a PI on speed-dial; he's also been busy during the summer becoming Yoda to Erics Luke -- teaching him the wonders of blackmail, manipulation, scheming and other general evolness.
The White Party: Since Nate didn't get to third with his MILF he's harassing his fake girlfriend, Serena, instead.
Whoops. Dan's escaped Brooklyn. He's also bracing himself to be judgmental.
In the mean time, while Blair's admiring the paint job in the pool house Lord Marcus AKA 'James', is going on about some s*** no one knows what. At this point I'm bracing myself for Dans inevitable 'you slut!!' to Serena, despite manwhoring himself about town all summer. But alas!
Blair sees Chuck across a crowded room, instead of begging him to strangle Lord Marcus AKA 'James' with his scarf she's all:
Blair says: 'You're so funny!'
She's actually saying: 'You're so funny! Only, not really. I'm just making Chuck jealous, so shut up and make like you're not gay.'
In other news Lord Marcus AKA 'James' finally realises Blair is evol. But then he tells her he's also been dishonest. Lord Marcus AKA 'James' is secretly BRITISH! OMG! WTF! He's also called 'Lord Marcus' not 'James'. His secret plan is to hook up with Eric, but he's kind of old and would get arrested… so that won't happen anytime soon. Chuck in the background has had the call from his PI that LORD MARCUS IS BRITISH!!!! Chuck's all WTF? 'I AM THE ONLY BRITISH PERSON HERE!' But it's too late Blair already knows, he can't use this information against Lord Marcus.
Blair tells Lord Marcus WHO IS BRITISH: 'You keep talking in that accent and I'll think of something'.
No Blair, he really should not keep talking in that accent, it's offensive to British people. Lord Marcus sounds like someone doing a poor impression of Hugh Grant... on some kind of narcotic.
After this, we get to see karma bite Dan on the behind whilst Serena pulls this
face -- 'that's for calling me a slut you judgemental SOB'. If you would like to see Dan get two drinks thrown over him you'll have to watch the episode because I don't have the bloody clip. After more random crap, Blair makes up with Lord Marcus, he's British don't ya know, also she appears to find inbreeding royalty attractive. As she stands thinking about how she can redecorate Windsor castle, Chuck turns up as he's now listened to enough Dashboard Confessional to sufficently talk about his feelings.
I could easily make some tasteless attempt at a joke here, but no. It's too awesome a scene to be flippent about. The acting, direction, writing was all perfect.
Chuck: Please don't leave with him.
Blair: Why? Give me a reason... and "I'm Chuck Bass" doesn't count.
Chuck: 'Cause you don't want to.
Blair: That's not enough.
Chuck: 'Cause I don't want you to.
Blair: That's not enough.
Chuck: What else is there?
Blair: The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car. Three words. Eight letters. Say it... and I'm yours.
Chuck: I... I ... [pause]
Blair: Thank you. That's all I needed to hear.
In all seriousness it was an ok episode, although I think having it in the Hampton's took away from the usual 'vibe' and atmosphere of the show. Looking forward to the next week though. What did you think of the episode?