Dear man who called me twice on Monday,

I appreciate your dedication to you family. You calling your brother check up on him is very nice and I like the fact that you would take time out of your day to call him. Unlike you, I don't have a good relationship with my sister and we hardly speak. I don't really want to discuss the events leading up to that point where I decided it best to avoid contact with her but I want to clarify that it was my call. Anyways, I digress; back to your two calls.

I understand that you are an older gentleman and you probably don't get to hear from your brother often and that's great that you want to talk to him. The problem is, I have homework. And I'm not your brother, Ray. I assure you that the number that you called isn't, in fact, your brother's. I understand that your brother has had the same number for years but the number you called has been mine for the last 4 years. Yes, I said 4 years. I said it both times you asked. Both times you called.

Thank you for your cooperation and please do me a favor and check the phone number you've been calling for the last 4 years as there might be someone who's been being called Ray for the last 4 years and decided to roll with it.

Sincerely, Dan

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Dear my organic chemistry TA,

I think it's great that you came to the United States to get a better education. You seem to read and write in English pretty well and as a grad student, you must be doing well academically. The problem lies with the fact that you ignore me. When I have a question, you tend to go to the other 29 students before you come to me. And none of them had questions. Or said "My organic chemistry TA's name, I have a question. Can you help me, please?"

Thank you for doing a great job for the other 29 people in our lab.

Sincerely, Dan

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Dear FOX,

This letter is a little overdue. I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart to heart. You've had some interesting programming over the last few years. Your decision to cancel both Futurama and Firefly come as a bit of a surprise to me. We won't even go into Futurama as Firefly is all I need. Firefly is the number 1 selling television show OF ALL TIME. You cancelled what could have been, nay, was going to be, your most successful show EVER. You are incompetent in one fo the highest orders and since I am sending you this letter via Gamespot blogging, I cannot use the proper terminology without sufficient censoring so I will suffice to say that you need to make better decisions. House = good, American Idol = fail.

Sincerely, Dan

P.S. Your news sucks.

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Dear first year camp staff,

This is a wake-up call to you. This summer, I saved two cub scouts from dying a horrible and painful death in a drowning-related death. I dove into the water, fished them out, and checked to see if they were going to be ok. One of those I pulled aside during their week at camp and taught him to swim. My staff was the first to respond to the medical emergency almost a half a mile away. Yes, you were closer but you did nothing. A man could have died because of you. I need to remind you that the lifeguards were HALF A MILE AWAY and you were RIGHT NEXT DOOR. Your incompetence ASTOUNDS me.

Another incident I feel I need to bring up, first reminding you that I have saved 4 cub scouts from drowning related deaths in my life, is when you come to me in the dining hall.

"Dan, the toilet is flooding. I think a cub scout clogged it."

I pause, waiting for the punchline.

"And?"

"Can you do something about it?"

Enough said.

Sincerely, Dan

P.S. I'm not coming back to camp. Don't ask.

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