The more i live, the more i loath, the more i go to work, the more mistakes i make. The more mistakes i make, the more i hate myself.

Earlier this week, i screwed up at work again and angered my bosses. One of them told me that the chairs i cleaned were filthy. even after all that time i spent cleaning them. I don't know what it is, but i fail. On top of that, i'm sick and tired of constantly running around dealing with customers. i'm a socially awkward person and i hestitate more when i'm frustrated. my boss even told me that i shouldn't work on friday anymore when there's a lot of customers. That's how bad i do. After 3 years, i can't believe i haven't gotten fired. Wouldn't surprise me if they don't want to fire me because they're afraid of a lawsuit involving the autism specialists who helped me get the job.

Despite the fact that i finally managed to get some pictures into my deviantart and furrafinity pages, I still can't make anything for my self. I have been very generous in giving people free fursona drawings. All of whom are flattered that i took time out of my life to make them for free. But honestly, i can't make anything for myself. I honestly don't get it. Like every time i try, i just get frustrated. It's either that or i look at it and i feel emberrassed. It's like i'm trying to be something i'm not. But i want to be something i'm not because i hate myself.

I've been staying up later and later. I can't sleep at night. Usually i just go into the living room and pace around the table debating what i'm going to do with myself. I failed art school, and i failed pharmacy tech. I can only hope that the autism specialists find something i can do that won't be effected by my social awkwardness, short patience span, and extreme clumsyness.

I'm also angry because my sister is now a regular at my favorite club. After only going for about a month, she now is on the VIP list and gets in for free. A month and she's a VIP? there's deffinately some trickle down there. NEedless to say i don't go anymore. I heavily dislike her. Especially after she got drunk and bit my mom in the face. Causing her to need plastic surgery. Last thing i want is to be under the same roof with someone i dislike in a place that serves alcohol.

As far as gaming is involved, i haven't really been playing very much. I finally quit halo for good because i'm a god awful player and i get frustrated easily. So obviously i get frustrated because of how everyone is significantly better than me. I have been playing Doom, my all time favorite game. And that helps. But i decided no more head to head gaming for me. I just can't deal with the frustration of losing anymore. The frustration of shooting someone at point blanc range with a shotgun and them not dying, and me dying instead. The frustration of being a bad weak player in general. So instead i boost achievements.

the only thing that really comforts me anymore is music. It's my life pretty much now. Especially with my taste. Listening to music about Darkness, pain, suffering, and bleeding makes me a lot more motivated than happy stuff. I sit at my computer and listen to Dark Industrial or Gothic rock. My therapist wants me to stop. He says it's bad for me.