To change the order in which I go about posting my blogs, here's something a little different a blog filled with jokes, enjoy.
1. Discipline...
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was acting up during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
2. Blind Date
Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
3. Planet Sun
This redhead, brunette, and blonde were talking about space travel. They started talking about which planet they'd go to if they could travel in space. The redhead said,"I'd go to Mars, because it is red, like my hair." Then the brunette, not to be outdone, said,"Well I'd go to Saturn, because it's got all those groovy rings." Finally, the blonde spoke up. She said,"I'd go to the Sun." The redhead and the brunette laughed. The redhead said,"Number one, the sun is not a planet." "And number two," the brunette finished,"you'd burn up." The blonde said,"Well duh! I'd go at night!!!"
4. Signing Checks
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX". Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..." Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
5. What The Job Ad Says; What It Means, Part I
Ground floor opportunity
-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential
-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important
-$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
Salary range $24K to $32K
-The salary is $24K
Will train
-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
BA required, MA preferred
-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
Civil service
-This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Well I hope that maybe someone got the joke's but if not I won't say that I've failed, entertaing people isn't my job, well later.
Okay since all of you asked so nicely, I figured why not blog about another folktale. For the record this stroy was not written by me.
THE SHEPHERD AND THE GIANTS (a Danish folktale)
Once upon a time two young boys grew up on the wild, windy moors of Jutland. They were shepherds. Jorgen, the older boy, was hard-working, but his brother, Tyge, always sought adventure, and finally he convinced Jorgen to journey into the world. "We'll go to Rome and bring our mother blessings from the pope," Tyge said. So off they went. This was summertime and the days were hot, so the boys slept then and journeyed by night. Jorgen, however, worried about robbers and other troublemakers on the roads, so sometimes they took turns, one sleeping in the woods while the other guarded, armed with a gun. One night Tyge was keeping watch, listening to animals in the brush. When the moon rose, he found himself staring at snouts and whiskers and big round eyes, but soon he was bored, so he climbed a tall tree to see what he could see. In a small valley close by, he spied a fire, and around that fire sat three enormous giants gnawing at big shanks of meat. Tyge watched a while, and finally he decided to play some tricks on them, for he did not much like giants. So he aimed his gun at one of the giant's forks and pulled the trigger. Tyge was a fine shot, and the bullet struck the fork handle so hard, the giant stabbed himself in the chin. "What have you done?" the giant shouted at the one beside him. "I didn't do a thing," protested the second giant. "You're just clumsy!" The two began to argue, their faces turning red with rage. Tyge reloaded his gun and fired, and a bullet hit the second giant's fork, which burst into pieces. He began to scream, but the third giant growled, "Stop! It's no use our fighting. We must act as one if we wish to take over this land."Tyge could not hear their words, but he could see they were planning something, so he shot at the third giant's fork, which flew out of his mouth and straight into the air and landed on the first giant's head. "Someone's playing tricks on us," the third giant roared. "I'll find out who it is," and before Tyge knew what was happening, the giant was there at his tree, scooping him into his gigantic hands and carrying him back to his brothers.
Tyge begged the giant for his freedom, but giants aren't particularly kind, and they didn't care for his pleas. But then the third giant had an idea. "We'll spare you on one condition. You sneak into the king's castle and open the courtyard gates. The princess's room is directly across the courtyard. Go to her room and open the door. We plan to kidnap her and win this kingdom." Tyge had little choice, so they all they set off for the castle. The giants lowered Tyge over the ramparts, into the palace courtyard. As he was walking toward the princess's room to open the gate, he spotted a large silver sword in a silver sheath. Beneath this was a drinking horn, engraved with this message: "Whoever drinks the wine I hold "Can wield the sword above "And if this drinker be so bold "He'll slay three giants and win a maiden's love." So Tyge drank from the horn and pulled the sword free. Then he crept to the princess's room and opened the door. The moment he saw her there, sleeping peacefully, he was enraptured, and he sighed with longing. Oh, she was so lovely; he wished to have a memento of her, and so he picked up her lace handkerchief and tore it in half, and he took one of her golden slippers that sat beside her bed. "This way I shall remember the princess, though I know a princess could never love a poor shepherd." But he knew he could slay those giants. He hurried back to the courtyard gates to greet them. "I cannot open the top of these gates," he said, "so bend down and I'll pull you inside through this part below." The first giant stooped and slipped halfway in, and before he knew what was happening, Tyge chopped off his head with the sword and pulled him inside. When the second giant stooped and leaned in, Tyge chopped off his head, too, and he greeted the third the same way. All three giants were dead!
It was nearly daylight now, so Tyge hurried back to his brother, taking the sword with him, and once again they set off on their journey. They traveled through autumn and into winter. After a short stay in Rome, they set off for home. The next spring they returned to the same forest and stopped for the night at an inn. The innkeeper asked them for news of their travels, for you see, the princess had been seeking the man who had killed the giants, and every innkeeper in the land was duty bound to ask each traveler to tell his tale. "There's not much to tell," Jorgen said, "though we slept in these woods one night last summer." The innkeeper had heard too many travelers' tales, and none had amounted to much, so he barely listened. However, word reached the princess that there were two young men who had visited the forest last summer when the giants were killed, and so she set off for the inn to find out more about these fellows. When she saw Tyge, he was wearing the silver sword. "Young man," she said, her face as beautiful as Tyge had remembered, "where did you get that sword?" Tyge was certain he would be punished for stealing the sword, and he felt so afraid, and so charmed as well, he could not speak. "Guards," the princess said, "since this man will not speak, search him." When they did, they found the princess's torn handkerchief and her shoe. "Send for the king," the princess said, but Tyge saw that she was smiling, and he felt a shiver of pleasure. He thought she might not be angry after all, and then he remembered those words on the horn. Sure enough, the king arrived and settled the matter. Tyge had saved the land from giants, and for this he earned half the kingdom and the bride's hand in marriage, and they all lived happily ever after. That's the way it is with those who are brave.
Well I hope that all of you who read this story have enjoyed your reading. later.
*Pulls up a chair and sits down* Yes that's right the story blog is back again, after...6 months or something, anyway on to the story.
SNAKE'S TALE (a Southern African folktale)
Long ago, little Mantis crawled across the dry earth, his throat parched, his eyes bulging. He was not alone; the other animals were thirsty too. Rain had stopped falling. It had been so long since they had seen showers, the youngest creatures did not even know what rain was, and when their parents spoke of rain clouds and storms, the young looked bewildered. Now as the sun set, Moon looked down on the poor animals and felt such pity, she decided she must caution them. And so she called down to little Mantis, who looked up at her call. "Go with your children and all the beasts to another land," Moon called. "But where?" Mantis asked, and the sound of his voice was scratchy, for his throat was parched, as dry as the ground at his feet. "Walk toward me," Moon said. "As I set, I will lead the way. Tell all the others to gather their belongings, and we will depart before dawn. "Mantis quickly ran here and there, spreading the word to the birds and beasts and every single insect he could find. "Pack your things. Gather your husbands, your wives, sisters and brothers and all your children. Moon will lead us out of this land. Moon says that soon this land will be nothing but desert, and if we want to survive, we must depart. The elephants, hearing the news, raised up their trunks, and their loud trumpeting sound shook the land, so that everyone came out of hiding places -- from hives and tree trunks, from beneath the ground, from caves and crevasses. "Where will we go?" they asked.
"You must go with us," Mantis insisted, and his eyes bugged out even bigger and wider than they usually did. "Please, Snake, don't be foolish. You can't stay here. You'll die of thirst." Snake yawned once more. "I'm staying, Mantis. It's late, and it's dark, and I need my sleep. Please don't make too much noise as you're leaving." Mantis tried to persuade him to change his mind, and so did some of the other creatures of the veldt: the springbok and meerkats, the cheetahs and the lions, the elephants and baboons, the giraffes and the ostriches. But Snake yawned in everyone's face, and then he curled up and fell asleep beneath a rock, and when he awoke, everyone was gone. Now Snake looked around. It was true, the grass was shriveling, and soon it would be gone altogether, and he might not have a nice bed. And the fat little frogs had decided to leave with the others, so now what would he eat, he wondered. Then he thought, "I'll figure it out later." But the days passed, and then the weeks, and still rain did not fall, and all the grass dried up and blew away in the dry dusty winds. By now Snake was starving. He had never felt such sharp pains in his body, and he could not stop his children's cries. And so at long last he decided he must follow the others. He would move in their footsteps. Perhaps they were wise, after all. And so he packed up his family, and together they set off to find a land of water and friendship.
The drought had gone on for so long by this time, the land was only desert, and as they walked, Snake's feet, and his family's feet, too, sank into the footsteps left behind by the others. The hot sand scratched at their bellies, and every step felt like it might be their last. That evening, as Moon rose over them, Snake looked up. "Oh Moon," he cried, "I am so sorry I did not listen to your wise words. I worshipped the sun, and now it is the sun that will be my destruction. Please help save me and my family!" The Moon, always kind, looked down on poor Snake and his family, and felt such terrible pity for the miserable creatures that she had to do something. She said, "I will make you able to survive this world." At that moment Snake looked down and saw his legs shriveling up; soon they disappeared altogether. Then he saw his body growing thinner and sleeker, shiny, too, and when he lay down upon the desert sand, he discovered he could slide across it without sinking. He turned and saw that his family had also been transformed, and so together they set off across the hot sands and found their way to the other animals. Snake's body stayed this way forever, and he remained shy. He still hides from the others, for he feels shame for not believing in the Moon. But he has never stopped loving the sun, and no one knows if he has really changed his lazy ways.
*Twirls back into the darkness* Later, people.
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