Roger Clemens, arguably the greatest pitcher of his generation, was outed as a steroid user in former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell's report that was released on Tuesday afternoon. After an 18 month long investigation conducted by Major League Commissioner Bud Selig's appointee Mitchell, after numerous known steroid and HGH (Human Growth Hormone) users and distributors conducted interviews with the investigators, after much testimony from former and current players and general managers, Roger Clemens's name was mentioned on a total of nine pages in the 400 plus page report. The bulk of the testimony that revealed Clemen's as a steroid user came from former personal trainer and known drug dealer, Brian McNamee. McNamee testified that he haddiscussed the use of performance enhancing drugs with,and injected steroids into, Clemens, while working as Clemens's personal trainer in Toronto and New York between 1998 and 2001. Clemens won the Cy Young two of those four years.

My response to this news was one of sadness. Clemens is a historical player, an awesome power pitcher who seemed to defy age and stiffness and oldness for nearly a decade. The news that as Clemens was defying Father Time he was doing so under the influence of performance of enhancing drugs, namely Winstrol and Anadrol-50, was disllusioning. I'm not using that word lightly. I grew up with my brother in the suburbs of Salt Lake City, and we cheered for Jose Conseco and Mark McGwire. They were giants, colossus titans of the home run who were physically gifted, and we came to find out, filled to the brim with steroids. When I learned of Conseco's accusations about McGwire's steroid use, I didn't believe them. Hell, I wanted to believe that Conseco was full of crunk about his own steroid use. I refused to believe that the baseball players my brother andI both wanted to identify with as children, our Bash Brothers, were an illusion. This was in late 2004, months before the release of Conseco's memoir of his life playing (good) ball, sleeping with many, beautiful women, and being 'roided out most of the time, Juiced. Then came McGwire's cowardly testimony before the Senate Committee on Steroid Use in Baseball. "I'm not here to talk about the past," he said. "I'm here to be positive about the future, about this." What? Mr. McGwire, you seduced me when you were a rookiewhen you swung the bat like Paul Bunyan ripped his axe. Pitchers wilted before your lumberjack arms, yourmuscled squat, your intense stare.Then, after several injury-ruined seasons,you made me fall in love all over again when you kept me mesmerized during that special Summer of Love in '98. And this new love was not just with your awesome, powerful gift, but with baseball. I looked up to you. You made me cry when you picked up your son after hitting number 62 in September of '98. You were so human. So down to earth. A literal Jolly Red Giant made miniature size, with a heart the size of Atlantis. After I heard your testimony, I sat down, shook my head, and cried inside; for thevanquishing of my childhood hero, and for the death of part of the little boy still inside of me.

And then, roughly three years since McGwire's betrayal, this past Tuesday comes,and what was left ofthe innocent, ever trusting little boy in me, died. Clemens's fall crushed this little boy andtook from me the ability to look at athletes as people I can identify with. It's all over. F*ck athletes.I'll cherish watching Monday Night Football a few days before the Mitchell Report was released, because it was one of the last times I was able to enjoy sports rather than criticize and be repulsed by them. Not only was Clemens a highly decorated pitcher and winner of seven Cy Young awards, he was one of my favorites. He was tough. He stared down batter after batter with the thought, "I'm going to throw this f*cker as hard as I can and this dude ain't going to do anything about it"runningthrough his head. The Yankee's said you can't have facial hair; Clemens said I can if I want, what's the difference? He stood up to people. He was confident. He was a badass.

Now, he isa man who has crashed back down to earth, an outed and disgraced man. A man who was losing the battle of Time nine years agoand decided that he needed to make a come-back quick but he couldn't do it alone. So he cheated. And we all lost.