mood: depressed
location: bedroom
"it's dogged as does it. it ain't thinking about it."
-anthony trollope, the last chronicle of barset
050508, 7.47 pm
i woke up today a bit grudgingly but i woke up with a purpose. the drive of doing really good in my quizzes, i thought, starts today! and even though the sun is only starting to crisp the morning air at the hour of six o' clock, i willed myself to get up and study. i was pretty confident since i thought that the flashcards i had a hard time doing last night would incredibly contribute to my review session this morning. i guess i'm trying too much. because they didn't work at all. which sucks. you work so hard for something and yet, it leads you nowhere. the problem with me is i don't know how to set my priorities straight. i review everything, i get nothing. reminder (to me): review first the important facts, worry about details later. in the quiz, i got 15/20. not bad, right? but after all those hours of memorizing, i did not review for a 15/20. i reviewed for a perfect score. i was also rattled. i really know the answers to my mistakes but i was so nervous and my hands were shaking bad after the teacher sort of scolded me before the quiz started. my brain totally blanked on the questions and i was left grasping for answers. here comes the sucky part: all those who got a perfect score will get +5 added to their finals exam which is 60% of our grade. i know the answers but i blanked! for the first time ever, i hate our strat teacher. if she didn't scold me, then i wouldn't be rattled. i would've gotten a perfect score! aaack! screw it!
also, one of the screw-up-ables i have done today is forget my id at home. another demerit in my record. crap, i'd be uber surprised if i get in the quota. i'm so careless and stupid nowadays that i can't even keep my record spotless. so much for my dreams.
and as i was commuting my way home this rainy afternoon, i made this little poem in my head:
as i walk under the rain
i think about my fears
even though i hide the pain
raindrops represent my tears
crappy, i know.
when i got home, i cried in my bedroom for a minute. maybe i'm crying because i got 15/20. or maybe i'm crying because i forgot my id. or maybe i'm crying because i feel like i have a screwed up life when in fact, i don't. or maybe i just want a little bit of drama in my life. whatever the reasons are, don't mind me. i'm such a shallow person.
drama queen
someone strangle me
i can't stand myself
overbearing
p.s. thanks to c.d., j.s., j.d., and e.s. you've proved to me how great of a friend you guys really are!
now playing: apologize (one republic feat. timbaland)
now reading: fire bringer (david clement-davies)
now watching: chuck
"lord, help me wander away from the fiction in my head and help me answer the knock of reality on my doorstep. amen."
time check: 10.42 pm
signing out, ciao!