Achieving happiness

Well? What does it take? What do I have to do? I dont get it guys...I dont know what I'm doing wrong, I feel so depressed all the time. Also no, this has nothing to do with any girl problems but well get to that nonsense later.

I have always suffered from depression, I dont quite know the root of it all, but I dont quite want to get into the reasons behind it all. I dont want to depress any of you, kill the mood, or make any of you think any different. But I've tried everything in the book to make my life better but yet none of it seems to work. I feel like its gotten so bad, its beyond my own help now. To make this a bit easier to read I am going to break it down into sections of how I have been trying to make things better...

My EX

I've finally gotten some more closure with my ex, I actually talked to her twice through text this week. Her life has been doing great, I really do love her, words cant explain. She was a huge part of my life for YEARS. She actually texted me out of no where letting me know she had a meeting with an acting agent. Im rather proud, I really hope she does well. She wished me good bidding and we said we can't wait to meet again and perhaps work together someday. She is pursuing acting and I am pursuing a career in film, most likely directing. I've moved on but I've came to the conclusion she is just one of those girls you never stop loving. I hope life treats her good. I felt good for a while but my depression keeps sweeping back...

Current girl

Trying to get a new girlfriend doesnt seem to help, alright so I got somewhat lucky with Kim. But to be honest I dont think I want it anymore. Do I like her? Yeah. Do I have more in common with her more than any girl I have ever met? Yeah. Do I want to be with her? Don't know. I have been suffering from this empty feeling I cant quite undestand. I am unhappy with my self...what can getting a girl solve? I also feel unwanted and undesirable nowadays, will getting a girl solve that? Yeah, but what girl would want me? It wouldnt leave my mind at ease, for all I know it may cause even more stress. Besides, whats a pretty girl like her want with a washed up has-been like me? She could have any guy she wants... I'm not worth her time. It probably wouldnt work out much anyway...ugh not to mention she said something about smoking on 4/20.

Agh! How repulsive is that? Yes, I like her but I cant stand girl who does any of that crap...Has she been off marijuana for a while? Yeah but the fact she talked about doing it again for that day was a major turn off. If she wants to do it who am I to change it? I really dont know if she is still worth pursuing...Im sure she may be even more interested in other people despite me getting close with her last saturday. I might tell her to come over this saturday...then maybe then I could make final judgement calls. What do you guys think? No matter what I still have to alot more filming with her but should I still go for it? what should I think or do of that smoking business? Will actually dating her solve any of these feelings?

My life

Next up is me...I'm not the nicest person on the planet, alright I am a jerk and Ive done some bad things in my day. But at the same time I am a loyal, funny, trust worthy person to my friends and family. I am slowly becoming meaner and meaner, to the point that either people stop talking to me or I shut people out. My temper has also gotten BAD! I mean I dont know how I still have close friends...I have been snapping and flipping out on them lately too over the littlest things. But I cant stay mad at them...They all know what I am going through so they've been taking it easy. I guess I do have great friends. My anger was one of the reasons I lost the woman I love.

I have been trying to be nicer...but It just doesnt work. I cant seem to handle being nice to strangers or even people I know. I am only a decent guy to be people I enjoy the company of, even then I can still be a jerk. I also have been trying to like my self more physically. Ive lost tons of weight and been weight lifting but I am still not satisfied with myself.

Conclusion

I just wish I had someone to talk to who understood. Because when ever I go talking deep about my feelings no one seems to understand. Its also hard not having my ex around because she was always there to listen to me. Another friend of mine told me I am too young to be feeling this way...shes right. I dont understand whats wrong with me.

How can I stop hating being in my own skin? constantly getting my mind off things? to feel wanted again? to stop this depression? to stop being haunted by my past? to find real love again? to be a decent person?

How can I find anyone worth my time to love me when I dont even love myself? I just wish I knew what I had to do to be happy. I cant stand this feeling of being worthless. I'm finally giving up and throwing in the towel.

Perhaps its this hellhole where I live that pisses me off. I hate the people, the enviroment, so on, so on and etc. But its the same everywhere.

iphone

I know this may be a depressing blog... But I have one postive thing to talk about. Well I finally got an iphone! WOOOO! Yeah, probably the greatest phone ever devised on the planet IMO. It could do almost anything except cook my dinner and record video (MMS coming this summer). I've been waiting to pick one of these up since it came out and I was finally eligible for an upgrade.

There are tons of apps for almost anything, tons of sweet ass games, and I can finally have my ipod and phone in one beautiful package. Also I love the texting and how it shows its as a conversation. It puts my samsung eternity touchscreen phone to shame! Finally....

/end forced enthusiasm here

Well that about it for now...advice would be welcome. Hope I didnt come off as a jerk to you guys, saying how I can be an ass to people sometimes...Im not always like this.

Also one quick update...I get complimented ALOT in school usually for the way I dress. No exagerration about 20+ times a week but yet...not even that makes me feel better. I must be really miserable.

~Later