First aired: 08/09/2007
Production code: 0101
"Don't talk about that anymore! You know that I hate about that kind of stuff the most!"
Hey everyone. Okay, like usual, I like to start by stating the things that are really important in my life. That quote belongs to my mother. I know it doesn't make sense right now, but I'll talk about that later. This is the blog that I'll call 'The Beginning'. Coz I think if you really wanna get to know me, you would need to read this one first.
I'm sorry that I haven't been active on tv.com for a long time. As some of you remember, my blogs are kinda long, draggy and boring. I admit - I always take things too seriously, even writing simple things like this. In this blog, I'll just write whatever that comes out from my heart. Forgive me if I'm rusty - I haven't written an essay for almost 4 years. See, there I go again. Like what a very important person in my life said: I really need to relax.
Maybe I've been bottling myself up too long. Maybe I expect too much from other people. Or maybe I expect too much from myself. I guess there's no easy way to say this, to take this small step, to be completely bare and honest in front of those who are reading this right now, and to those that I really care. (Taking deep breath...) I'm gay.
Look at me lol, I'm tearing up right now. Okay, that wasn't really hard. Maybe coz I'm just writing instead of facing every one of you, face to face. Maybe I was finally able to put down this weight that I have been carrying around for 21 years (at least 9). Whoa, that sure feels a bit lighter now.
Some of you might have already known that I'm gay Some of you I've told myself. Well, after all, I am the editor of Queer as Folk. Don't get me wrong - I'm not coming out to you guys on tv.com for your sympathy or use this as an opportunity to make more friends. I owe this to that special guy who came into my life a few days ago. I want him to be able to talk about me on tv.com (which right now should be something bad about me) without having to worried that he would expose me; but mostly, I owe it to myself and to you all - honesty.
Okay... Now I can't really concentrate coz I'm listening to Celine Dion.
I know - it shouldn't be so difficult, especially in a world that happens to be that accepting. Maybe it was my upbringing. Yes, that quote of my mother was about sexuality. Don't get me wrong - I love her dearly, but like her, I am full of flaws. I want to be a little more perfect than what I am now, and there're just some things that I cannot change.
By coming out, at least I'm taking the first step - admitting that I get hurt too. That I'm not as strong as I appear to be. That I tried to be strong but ended up hurting myself. But most importantly, by coming out, I get to be true to myself, and be happy, and be proud of who I am.
Please don't expect me to be proud overnight. Please give me some time. Please bear in mind that this is a very big step for me, coz by coming out to you guys on tv.com, things would finally be real, and there's no turning back. There's no regret. That I gotta admit - that's a little scary to me.
Like what David from Six Feet Under said, 'I refuse to be ashamed anymore'. Why should I be when there are so many friends out there who happen to be supportive and care for me? Being around you guys, and be gay at the same would already be a victory.
If I'm able to come out to everyone and just say goodbye to the closet forever... If I'm able to come out to my family... That would really be the biggest victory I'll ever achieve.
The rest of this blog is dedicated to my new boyfriend, S.
Baby,
This is not about me; this is all about you, to honor you. I'm so happy and thankful that you come into my life. You make me feel the ups and downs of love. You make feel so alive. And most importantly, you let me know that I'm able to love a guy, something that I thought I could never do. Without you, I feel weak. I can't do anything right. Though we have only known each other for a short time, it is enough for me to say this to you: I love you. I have already given you my heart without realizing myself.
I know I have been apologizing too much. I won't be doing that anymore, coz from now on I am a changed man. And it's all because of you. Thank you for convincing me to put myself out there. Thank you for letting me feel all these; things that I've always dreamed of but never believe I'll be in it one day. Thank you for letting me feel love.
Thank you all for listening to me. Good night everyone.
Sincerely,
Billy Wong.