First aired: 08/11/2007
Production code: 0102

Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little bit. Maybe I wasn't having a nervous breakdown, or maybe I did. I was shaking, but that may have been the coffee I drank earlier. I was nervous. I was furious. I couldn't control my tears, and I had never felt so betrayed before. And worse yet, I had nowhere else to turn to, so I came here.

This has been a terrible week for me, but that would be the story of another day. Right now I will just focus on my anger and my feelings. I have to warn whoever who is reading this: I will be bitter, selfish, and inconsiderate. If you wanna read an entertaining blog, forget it. Go to someone else's blog. I'm just writing this to express my emotions.

Okay, the breakdown part starts now. I live in Borneo (Southeast Asia), and I need to fly to the peninsula to get some medical books next Tuesday. A very close friend of mine, let's call him Panda, lives there at the capital. Yep, Kuala Lumpur that's right. Since there are only a few days left I thought I'd remind him that I'll be in the city, you know, for him to bring me around, but more importantly, to catch up.

After a while I got a message back. He told me that he won't be free on that day coz some Russian friends are visiting and he has to bring them around... with his dad! What the f*ck? I actually told him that several weeks ago that I'll be there on the 14th when I bought the tickets, and this is the best part: I asked whether he could spend 12 hours with me in the city, just to hang out, and he was practically whining (okay I might have added that up) that he couldn't make any promises, coz he has to couch his younger brother in badminton. I mean, I'd understand, coz it's his brother against me, and I admit defeat. And now he dares to tell me that he agreed to take the Russians out without saying 'hey I need to coach my brother' to them? You gotta be kidding me! I mean, what do those Russians have, which is better than what I can offer? He doesn't even spend 1 day in a week with them. All they had was one lousy dinner, and now he's bringing them out instead of me?

I wasn't being too inconsiderate here I think. He barely knows the Russians. I'm sure if he wanted to spend time with me, and if he told the Russians they would have understood, coz I bet they can't spell his full name. I was there almost every second when he and his girlfriend (J.) fought, and I had to be the peacemaker. I was even the one who match-made them up. Don't get me wrong here - I did everything for him willingly without asking for anything back. All I wanted was his appreciation that I care for him. I even had a crush on him in Italy, and now I think I was being so stupid and it was so not worth it. I feel such afailure that I couldn't even keep a good friend by my side when I truly needed him after this long tiring week. And I lost him to the Russians. Iam noteven important enough for him to make me his priority instead of those people that he barely knows. God I hate Russians!

So I text-messaged him back to show how angry I was. Then he told me that the Russians had actually booked him long before I did. Okay fine, that one I had nothing to say. The Russians really had an excellent timing. To be honest, I really think they should get a tour guide. If they can afford the tickets to KL, they shouldn't have any problems hiring one. Get a Lonely Planet book could be another better choice. Wait, I forgot his exact words... Get this - 'You can't really force me be with you either coz I didn't promise you anything.. I said MAYBE, and I think being a Malaysian you can get around easier than foreigners.' Yeah right, coz I actually have the decency to learn some English. I can't believe he actually capitalized the word 'MAYBE'. Who ever told him that I wanted to use him like those Russians to 'get around'? Can't I just spend time and hang out with one of my closest friends after not seeing each other for almost 2 months? God, I feel so betrayed and robbed. I'm actually crying right now...

I don't understand why I was being so nice to him. Though I didn't apologize, I actually told him not to worry. I have a tendency to do that - I don't like to ask for what I really want, coz I think if someone knows you well enough, he'd actually know what to do without you having to tell him that. And I am always trying to make everyone happy, but in the end I ended up hurting myself. It has been a terrible week with lots of mixed emotions - I left a guy, went for another new guy coz our chemistry's so strong, hurt him badly, almost lost him, and made out with him back. It had truly been a rollercoaster ride. I was actually looking forward to this coming Tuesday, coz what I felt this week has been really exhausting and I needed a vacation. I thought he'd at least be a little interested with what's going on with my life coz I usually share my days with him. Now he's choosing them over me...

I should be thankful that I know a person called Brian Kinney, that he came into my life last year. He taught me not to expect anything from anyone, coz if you don't depend on yourself, no one's gonna look after you. Tonight I really believed what I said. I don't understand why I still carry this big load on my shoulder - trying to make everyone happy. How can Imake them see that I hurt too, and I only appear to be strong coz I don't want to be considered weak as a gay guy? I have nowhere else to turn to - I can't tell my family, my friend has already treated me like crap, and I can't talk to S. (my new special guy) at night. Was I being too demanding? Tell me.

If the people around me think that I'm asking too much from them, then don't ask for anything from me. Coz you have no idea how much you've lost - a friend like me.

Angry and emotional,
Billy

First aired: 08/09/2007
Production code: 0101

"Don't talk about that anymore! You know that I hate about that kind of stuff the most!"

Hey everyone. Okay, like usual, I like to start by stating the things that are really important in my life. That quote belongs to my mother. I know it doesn't make sense right now, but I'll talk about that later. This is the blog that I'll call 'The Beginning'. Coz I think if you really wanna get to know me, you would need to read this one first.

I'm sorry that I haven't been active on tv.com for a long time. As some of you remember, my blogs are kinda long, draggy and boring. I admit - I always take things too seriously, even writing simple things like this. In this blog, I'll just write whatever that comes out from my heart. Forgive me if I'm rusty - I haven't written an essay for almost 4 years. See, there I go again. Like what a very important person in my life said: I really need to relax.

Maybe I've been bottling myself up too long. Maybe I expect too much from other people. Or maybe I expect too much from myself. I guess there's no easy way to say this, to take this small step, to be completely bare and honest in front of those who are reading this right now, and to those that I really care. (Taking deep breath...) I'm gay.

Look at me lol, I'm tearing up right now. Okay, that wasn't really hard. Maybe coz I'm just writing instead of facing every one of you, face to face. Maybe I was finally able to put down this weight that I have been carrying around for 21 years (at least 9). Whoa, that sure feels a bit lighter now.

Some of you might have already known that I'm gay Some of you I've told myself. Well, after all, I am the editor of Queer as Folk. Don't get me wrong - I'm not coming out to you guys on tv.com for your sympathy or use this as an opportunity to make more friends. I owe this to that special guy who came into my life a few days ago. I want him to be able to talk about me on tv.com (which right now should be something bad about me) without having to worried that he would expose me; but mostly, I owe it to myself and to you all - honesty.

Okay... Now I can't really concentrate coz I'm listening to Celine Dion.

I know - it shouldn't be so difficult, especially in a world that happens to be that accepting. Maybe it was my upbringing. Yes, that quote of my mother was about sexuality. Don't get me wrong - I love her dearly, but like her, I am full of flaws. I want to be a little more perfect than what I am now, and there're just some things that I cannot change.

By coming out, at least I'm taking the first step - admitting that I get hurt too. That I'm not as strong as I appear to be. That I tried to be strong but ended up hurting myself. But most importantly, by coming out, I get to be true to myself, and be happy, and be proud of who I am.

Please don't expect me to be proud overnight. Please give me some time. Please bear in mind that this is a very big step for me, coz by coming out to you guys on tv.com, things would finally be real, and there's no turning back. There's no regret. That I gotta admit - that's a little scary to me.

Like what David from Six Feet Under said, 'I refuse to be ashamed anymore'. Why should I be when there are so many friends out there who happen to be supportive and care for me? Being around you guys, and be gay at the same would already be a victory.

If I'm able to come out to everyone and just say goodbye to the closet forever... If I'm able to come out to my family... That would really be the biggest victory I'll ever achieve.

The rest of this blog is dedicated to my new boyfriend, S.

Baby,
This is not about me; this is all about you, to honor you. I'm so happy and thankful that you come into my life. You make me feel the ups and downs of love. You make feel so alive. And most importantly, you let me know that I'm able to love a guy, something that I thought I could never do. Without you, I feel weak. I can't do anything right. Though we have only known each other for a short time, it is enough for me to say this to you: I love you. I have already given you my heart without realizing myself.

I know I have been apologizing too much. I won't be doing that anymore, coz from now on I am a changed man. And it's all because of you. Thank you for convincing me to put myself out there. Thank you for letting me feel all these; things that I've always dreamed of but never believe I'll be in it one day. Thank you for letting me feel love.

Thank you all for listening to me. Good night everyone.

Sincerely,
Billy Wong.

First aired: 9/16/2006
Production code: 103

Monday: General Surgery (lecture)
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                 General Surgery (class)
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                 Microbiology (class)
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Tuesday: Pharmacology (class)
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                 Microbiology (lecture)
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                 Internal Disease (class)
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Wednesday: Anatomic Pathology (lecture)
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                        Medical Information
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Thursday: Pathophysiology (class)
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Friday: Internal Disease (lecture)
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             Anatomic Pathology (class)
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Saturday: Pathophysiology (lecture)
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