Will someone please tell Miley that "celebs" and "memo" DON'T FREAKING RHYME?!?!?!

Agh. Anyway, onto the blog:

My English professor handed this out on Monday. I'd like to share it with you cause I was cracking up in the middle of class when we were reading it. XD

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

I guess since everybody in the real world knows now, then everyone in the cyber world should know too.

I HAVE A CRUSH ON MILEY CYRUS.

There!!!!! I said it!!!!!!!!!

(Keep in mind I really did hate her at first. Really. But then one day I grew to love her.)

HAPPY NOW?!!?

*hangs self*

P.S. Kirie, if you are reading this (no idea how) and have fainted dead away in shock... THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT ANSWERING YOUR PHONE FOR A FRICKIN' MONTH

If so, good for you. But that's not what this is about.

Here's a script for a skit I'd like to do someday. No stealing please. ^_^

Burger King employee: Welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?

Customer #1: Hi, I'd like a Double Whopper with fries and onion rings on it.

Employee: Okay, so that's one Double Whopper, one medium fry, and one medium onion ri--

Customer #1: No, no. I want the fries and the onion rings on the burger.

Employee: We can't do that.

Customer #1: But your sign says "Have It Your Way," does it not?

Employee: Well I suppose so...

(Employee hands Customer #1 her order and takes pay. Next car moves up the drive thru.)

Employee: Welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?

Customer #2: Chocolate milkshake, please. Hold the cup.

Employee: Uh... we can't do that, sorry.

Customer #2: But I thought this is the place where you can "Have It Your Way"?

Employee: (scowls) I guess that makes sense.

(Employee hands Customer #2 his order and takes pay. Next car moves up the drive thru.)

Employee: Welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?

Customer #3: I'd like a bacon cheeseburger, and I want you to write "Happy Birthday Terrence" on the bun in ketchup and top it with flaming french fries.

Employee: What???

Customer #3: It's my friend Terrence's birthday and I have no time to get him a cake, so he said it was fine to do this.

Employee: It most certainly is NOT fine!

Customer #3: But don't you guys pride yourselves on letting customers have it their way?

Employee: (smacks forehead) I'll get right on it.

(After a long time, Employee hands Customer #3 his order and takes pay. Next car moves up the drive thru.)

Employee: Welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?

Customer #4: Hi. See that bird over there? I want you to capture it and grill it for me.

Employee: Uh, ma'am, that violates the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918.

Customer #4: Tell me. What does that sign above your head say?

Employee: (sinks low and raises eyes) "Have... It... Your... Way."

Customer #4: Right. And my way is a grilled wren, eaten whole!

Employee: Uh............ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr................ okay.

(After a harrowing experience of capturing and killing the bird and convincing the fry cook to grill it, Employee hands Customer #4 her order and takes pay. There doesn't seem to be another car coming up for a few minutes.)

Employee: I hate my job. Too many weirdo customers.

(Next car comes through drive thru.)

Employee: Welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?

Customer #5: Hi! Could you grill me, please?

Employee: Grill you?!

Customer #5: Yup! I have a death wish. ^_^

(Employee slams headset onto floor and rips off uniform.)

Employee: I QUIT!

Police officer: You're naked in public, as well. (handcuffs Employee)