Brilliant, I've been tagged. Another moronic internet fad has bitten me in the arse and I'm therefore required to create a blog stating some facts about myself which no-one cares about. As an act of defiance against this fad, I'm not going to tag anyone at the end of this post. Take that, internet!

Anyway, on to the facts!

1. I hate cheese.

2. I think Frankie Boyle deserves to be crowned King of the Entire Freaking World.

3.I think Lee Evans needs to shut the hell up, full stop.

4. The Dark Knight was overrated. So was Forrest Gump. Be quiet.

5. As I type this, I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm wearing a "Men's Mud Pack" in a last-ditch attempt to improve my skin.

My usual ranting blog will return soon.

Welcome to another blog. Remember to leave a comment so that I can feel some sort of self-satisfaction after typing out this long, relatively pointless piece of writing.

Oh, and just before we start - I recently got Once by Nightwish, which is bloody awesome, and one of the best albums ever. A few samples:
Dark Chest of Wonders
Planet Hell
Ghost Love Score

Okay, some of your comments are indicating that you took this blog seriously. It's just a humourous rant... I have nothing against fat people. Please bear that in mind and enjoy the blog...

Now onto the meat of the blog, and it's very meaty indeed today. This blog is all about fat kids, so here are some pictures to stimulate you before I launch into another semi-understandable rant:

Woodlice would love the dark, damp living area that is found under this child's moobs.

It's the son of the Michelin Man!

His Mum probably doesn't really love him... Or is that his Dad?

Ah yes, childhood obesity - is there anything more naturally hilarious yet disturbing?

Of course there isn't - we all love to laugh at a fatty. There's just something inexplicably comical about their appearance - the bloated faces, the way the rolls of fat gather on their arms (see picture 2), the huge breasts, the way they waddle; shifting their enourmous weight from side to side as they struggle to walk, the way they're always sweating and panting... I could go on for hours about the comedic merits a fat person possesses, but I'm sure that we can all appreciate them for ourselves.

So really without their consent, fat people are providing us all with laughter every day, simply by gracing the perceptive eyes of modern society with their noticable and bloated figures.

But one of the great mysteries that puzzles me while I study the bodies of these larger members of society is how kids can get so fat in such a short time! Were they fed on chip fat from birth or something?

Childhood obesity is apparantly a big problem, because the little Fatties get their arteries clogged up and die an early death when they collapse on the floor in a giant, spongy heap, incapable of continuing their journey through life while several tons of blubber cling to their frame, concentrated fat lies in their veins, and every time they need to crap, a new challenge arises - they must first locate their anus, remove the covering rolls of fat, then squeeze out a particularly large crap through their vitamin-deprived colon, resulting in the toilet being blocked and a large amount of brown water splashing up against the Fatty's bum.

But never fear! The government is here! The government will reduce childhood obesity with their master plan - mandatory dance lessons for fat kids! It's true!

You see - we've got two big problems with the kids in this country - obesity and depression, and these dance lessons won't actually help obesity, while making the depression worse. I mean, think about it - the kids won't get slimmer, because they won't dance; they can't dance! You need a bloody electric cattle prod just to get them off the sofa...
And then of course, the depression gets worse - you already look like a beached whale, and then a toned, fit dance teacher comes along and starts prodding you, trying to make you dance! Could your self-esteem possibly get any lower already?

I do appreciate that the government is actually trying to tackle the obesity problem, but I think they should deal with depression first - what do you think has prevented the depressed fat kids from hanging themselves so far? Everytime they try to do it, the bloody rope snaps.
Fat kids don't want to dance! Just give them some ****ing jaffa cakes and leave them alone!

It's time to look on the positive side of obesity! Imagine the joys of being a big fat fatty!

Fat sex would be great - there's loads to grip, if you ever get low on energy there's bound to be plenty of warm snacks nestled in the deep reaches of the rolls, and you've got half an hour of great foreplay trying to locate (and clear a path to) each other's sexual organs.

So to conclude, fat people shouldn't feel bad about themselves! You've got a lot to offer society - even if it is just unintentionally comical mishaps. Watching a fat Santa Claus look-alike attempting to free himself from a rollercoaster was an extremely amusing experience for me!

If this blog has offended any obese people, I'm sorry. No wait, I'm not - and you're all too fat and lazy to do anything about it, har har har.

So as they say in the fat community - goodbye, and may you live another week without heart disease.

Oh, and don't forget to add me on Last.FM!

That's right - now you can all follow me on Blogspot. Your wishes have come true! Here's the link: http://bangellrants.blogspot.com/
I'll be uploading my blogs there as well as here (the ones on blogspot will probably be slightly ruder).

Now onto music. I've been getting into some "clean metal" lately -none of this screamy satanic crap, just 100% clean vocals and great music. I particularly like the symphonic metal and power metal genres, my favourite new bands being Kamelot, Falconer, Angra, Blind Guardian, Nightwish, Rhapsody of Fire and Epica. Epica do ruin alot of their music with their awful backing vocalist who uses harsh vocals, which I can't stand. I also plan to check out Sonata Arctica, Lacuna Coil and someone else I can't remember.
I've also found another orchestral group - Corner Stone Cues. They performed Requiem for a Tower for LOTR 2.

Now onto the meat of the blog - the return to school. Lots of people seemed to be dreading it, though I was actually rather excited to be back. It was great to see everyone and unleash all the thoughts that had pent up over the summer holidays.

Our school has introduced a "vertical tutoring system", AKA "operation giant screw-up". You see, our school tutor groups have been arranged so that each contains 5 year 8s, 5 year 9s, 5 year 10s and 5 year 11s. Brilliant... Stuck with a bunch of ginger-haired, squeaky-voiced morons...
I've become something of a cla$s celebrity with my form, as I'm very outspoken - some of the kids came up to me and said "You're the cla$s clown aren't you? " Brilliant. Good to see that we all know our places in society. I also have tiny little kid who's started tagging along to me... I like to think of him as my dwarf companion, but he's not that cool really - he looks more like the sort of midget who might grant you a wish if you say his magic password.

Luckily, that's only for 15 minutes per day, before we all depart to our separate lessons. These have all remained pretty much the same. I took my maths GCSE a year early, and found out my results during the half-term - A*. Bangell is happy. I also passed in Critical Thinking, a rather useless subject but a small qualification nonetheless.

My geography teachers have now been swapped around, a decision which I'm relatively pleased about. My previous teacher was a rather boring old man with a tendency to talk about his boat for the entirety of the lesson, and he also repeated most of his sentences straight after saying them. I think if heonly said things once, we could get twice the learning done... Well anyway, he's been replaced by my teacher from 2 years ago - a Mr Kaczmarek. While he has the demeanour of a depressed sloth who's suffered a mild stroke, he's far more interesting, and a much better teacher.

In Media Studies, our latest topic is popular music - the most depressing thing to learn about ever. I was forced to listen to rap, pop, hip-hop and a slew of other pathetic genres masquerading as music. When the teacher asked what I would like to listen to, she was unsurprisingly incapable of catering to my extremely selective tastes.

I was glad to see that the drama teacher had been removed from the school - he was almost definately a paedophile, and an extremely easy to identify paedophile at that. I'm glad I didn't ever have to experience one of his detentions - whereas most teachers increase the amount of time you have to stay behind for, depending on the severity of your crime, I expect our drama teacher just increased the amount of fingers that he uses... I'd often wondered why there was a gimp mask and a saddle at the back of the props cupboard. (Too far with the pedo jokes? )

In English, we've started studying Jeykll and Hyde. We got to watch a silent film from the 1920s based on the book, which was so bad, it was funny - when Jekyll was transforming, he looked like he was receiving a prostate exam from a rhinocerus.
The book itself isn't completely awful, though it's not great either. The writing $tyle is a nice change, though the author seems to feel the need to describe everything in extreme detail.

I've continued to do swimming as my PE Option, which is now even more enjoyable because a girl with a surprisingly large pair of jugs has joined the group... She displaces a fair bit of water.

So, school is quite fun. I've already got alot of homework and coursework to complete (I should really stop procrastinating over it). But despite the crappy work, it's good to be back amongst my broad circle of friends. Life is good for Bangell.