The hoard came upon me with shuffling little feet and beady black eyes. Thier soft fur tickled as they crawled up my legs.

"Aww...they're so cute."

They opened thier mouths to reveal gleaming white teeth.

"And such fantastic dental care!"

I felt with my tounge for my many rotten and missing teeth. If only the US government took as good care of me as the evil villain took care of his hamsters. Oh well. If wishes were horses I wouldn't be strapped to a wall covered in hamsters. No, if wishes were horses I'd be strapped to a wall covered in ladies and surrounded by horses.

Captain Dolphin cackled maniacly as the hamsters opened thier mouths and dug into my skin.

"Yes! YES!!! Devour him like your newborn young!"

In the midst of my screaming and flailing I realized that I was no longer covered in hamsters. The little beasts lay on the floor frozen. Some of them hung from my skin by thier teeth. Where had my rescue come from?

"Dr. Z?!?"

"That's right. Have you forgotten your true nemesis? I've become a footnote in this story. A footnote with really sticky floors and no armored hamsters. But no one kills a government agent in my secret base of doom but me. No one I say. Captain Dolphin. You've interfered with my base. Stolen my hamster armor. And generally made a mess of my evil schemes. Prepare to DIE!"

He turned his ray gun (I didn't mention that he had a ray gun? Well what do you think happened to those hamsters?) on Captain Dolphin and fired. A blast of light issued forth towards Captain Dolphin only to be stopped by a gyser of water that exploded from the floor.

A chittering dolphin popped his head out of the gyser and Captain Dolphin lept onto its back.

"You haven't seen the last of CAPTAIN DOLPHIN!"

Next Week: A gyser of water out of the floor? What kind of sense does that make? This story is going downhill fast. Will I ever not be chained to a wall? Are all those cute little hamsters really dead?!? I may have to shed a tear or two...next week on Ax23000's blog.

Captured by the wicked Dr. Z! Soon to be defeated by hamsters!! The free world at jeopardy!!! My dry cleaning...not picked up!!!!

These were the exclamatory thoughts running through my head when Captain Dolphin, top agent for PETA, burst into the room in a fiery explosion of...well, fire.

"Come my furry brethren!" He pointed to the hamsters, who were busy chewing on all the electrical wires in Dr. Z's command center. "Let us run free! Free as the lions I broke out of the zoo."

The hamsters looked up at him, blinked, and continued to nibble on the wires.

Captain Dolphin stumbled down the pile of rubble.

"Hey...you...you there." I shouted up at him. "Do you think you could rescue a fellow secret agent from certain death?"

"I don't know." He whipped off his black sun glasses and peered at me through narrowed eyes. "Do you eat meat?"

"Do I ever! Steak. Hamburgers. Chicken. Shrimp. Shark fin soup. Dolphin flavored tuna. I can't get enough meat. One time, on a secret mission in the middle of nowhere, I devoured a baby bunny I found huddling in a burrow. Meat has never tasted so good and so tender."

Captain Dolphin turned and threw up on the floor.

"Why do people insist on vomiting on my floor?!?" Dr. Z stood amidst the nibbling hamsters.

"So I take it you aren't going to rescue me then?"

"Hamsters!" Captain Dolphin roared. "Rise up against this treasonous beast! Devour his flesh. Let our ears dine on his screams!"

As one the hamsters took up Captain Dolphin's call and turned their eyes upon me.

"Isn't convincing a bunch of hamsters to eat me kind of going against your code?"

"You gotta do what you gotta do. Scum like you must be chewed from this planet one tiny bite at a time."

Next week: Can anything save Agent Nine? Will Dr. Z ever have a clean floor? Does Captain Dolphin truly captain a team of dolphins? Or is his name just for show? Find out. Right here on...Ax23000's blog.

I once faced down a demon looking to bring about the apocolypse. It was the most terifying moment of my life. So what if it turned out that it was Halloween and that demon was just some poor kid trying to get some candy? When you're a secret Agent you can't ever take anything for granted.

If I thought a nine year old dressed in a demon cosume was scary I couldn't even begin to describe the terror that coursed through my veins as row upon row of fuzzy little hamsters waddled into the room. Thier black eyes glistend with evil! Evil I say!!! Well, technically they glistend with water. But evil water.

"Wha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Dr. Z cackled. "With this army of armored hamsters I'll be unstoppable! UNSTOPPABLE I SAY!"

He stopped monologging and stared hard at his neferious army.

"These hamsters aren't armoured at all? Where's the kevlar? The back mounted bazookas? The pine tree shaped air freshener strung around thier little necks?!?"

"Air freshener?" I gave him a look. A really stern look that said I meant business.

"Do you have any idea how bad hamster cages smell? Any idea at all? Multiply that by 10,000. I don't want to rule a stinky world. I'd be the laughing stock of evil geniuses everywhere." One of his henchmen came over and whispered something in his ear. "Who stole the hamster sized army equipment?!?"

It's at this point that a nearby wall exploded revealing a man in a black suit wearing black sun glasses on the other side.

"Thank god!" I shouted. "MIB back-up".

"False sir." He took off his glasses and placed them in his front pocket. "The names Captain Dolphin. Top agent for PETA!"

Next Week: People Eating Tasty Animals has sent in Captain Dolphin to devour the hamster army. What do you mean PETA doesn't stand for People Eating Tasty Animals? But...but...I have an entire plot inolving...CYVA (CURSE YOU VAUGE ACRONYMS)!!!