Captured by the wicked Dr. Z! Soon to be defeated by hamsters!! The free world at jeopardy!!! My dry cleaning...not picked up!!!!

These were the exclamatory thoughts running through my head when Captain Dolphin, top agent for PETA, burst into the room in a fiery explosion of...well, fire.

"Come my furry brethren!" He pointed to the hamsters, who were busy chewing on all the electrical wires in Dr. Z's command center. "Let us run free! Free as the lions I broke out of the zoo."

The hamsters looked up at him, blinked, and continued to nibble on the wires.

Captain Dolphin stumbled down the pile of rubble.

"Hey...you...you there." I shouted up at him. "Do you think you could rescue a fellow secret agent from certain death?"

"I don't know." He whipped off his black sun glasses and peered at me through narrowed eyes. "Do you eat meat?"

"Do I ever! Steak. Hamburgers. Chicken. Shrimp. Shark fin soup. Dolphin flavored tuna. I can't get enough meat. One time, on a secret mission in the middle of nowhere, I devoured a baby bunny I found huddling in a burrow. Meat has never tasted so good and so tender."

Captain Dolphin turned and threw up on the floor.

"Why do people insist on vomiting on my floor?!?" Dr. Z stood amidst the nibbling hamsters.

"So I take it you aren't going to rescue me then?"

"Hamsters!" Captain Dolphin roared. "Rise up against this treasonous beast! Devour his flesh. Let our ears dine on his screams!"

As one the hamsters took up Captain Dolphin's call and turned their eyes upon me.

"Isn't convincing a bunch of hamsters to eat me kind of going against your code?"

"You gotta do what you gotta do. Scum like you must be chewed from this planet one tiny bite at a time."

Next week: Can anything save Agent Nine? Will Dr. Z ever have a clean floor? Does Captain Dolphin truly captain a team of dolphins? Or is his name just for show? Find out. Right here on...Ax23000's blog.

I once faced down a demon looking to bring about the apocolypse. It was the most terifying moment of my life. So what if it turned out that it was Halloween and that demon was just some poor kid trying to get some candy? When you're a secret Agent you can't ever take anything for granted.

If I thought a nine year old dressed in a demon cosume was scary I couldn't even begin to describe the terror that coursed through my veins as row upon row of fuzzy little hamsters waddled into the room. Thier black eyes glistend with evil! Evil I say!!! Well, technically they glistend with water. But evil water.

"Wha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Dr. Z cackled. "With this army of armored hamsters I'll be unstoppable! UNSTOPPABLE I SAY!"

He stopped monologging and stared hard at his neferious army.

"These hamsters aren't armoured at all? Where's the kevlar? The back mounted bazookas? The pine tree shaped air freshener strung around thier little necks?!?"

"Air freshener?" I gave him a look. A really stern look that said I meant business.

"Do you have any idea how bad hamster cages smell? Any idea at all? Multiply that by 10,000. I don't want to rule a stinky world. I'd be the laughing stock of evil geniuses everywhere." One of his henchmen came over and whispered something in his ear. "Who stole the hamster sized army equipment?!?"

It's at this point that a nearby wall exploded revealing a man in a black suit wearing black sun glasses on the other side.

"Thank god!" I shouted. "MIB back-up".

"False sir." He took off his glasses and placed them in his front pocket. "The names Captain Dolphin. Top agent for PETA!"

Next Week: People Eating Tasty Animals has sent in Captain Dolphin to devour the hamster army. What do you mean PETA doesn't stand for People Eating Tasty Animals? But...but...I have an entire plot inolving...CYVA (CURSE YOU VAUGE ACRONYMS)!!!

My name is Agent Nine. No, seriously, that's my name. It was this whole thing with my parents wanting to free me from the shackles of soceitiy by giving me a fruity name. Instead they just got me punched in the gut from first grade all the way up through...uh, well...now. Seriously. Right as this story begins I'm being punched in the gut by the neferious Dr. Z.

You see I decided that if I didn't want to look like an idiot for the rest of my life I'd have to actually become a secret agent. I failed all the agent tests, but it was the Bush administration and nobody cared how competent I was just so long as I was willing to battle the forces of evil in distant lands.

And boy did I lie and SAY I was willing to battle the forces of evil in distant lands. Turns out this was a mistake. You see, distant lands have this horrible tendency to be...well...distant. And I hate traveling. Also I hate being punched in the gut...we've already seen how well that turned out for me.

So not only am I now a completely incompetent secret agent who has to travel far from home, but I didn't even achieve my number one goal of not being punched.

"Wha!Ha!Ha!" Dr. Z's henchmen dragged my body and chained me up to the wall. "Now, at long last I'll be able to achieve my ultimate evil and neferious scheemes!"

"Ugh...You'll never get away with this Dr. Z." I know this sounds really brave, but I really meant that he would never get away with punching me without consequence as I was about to vomit all over his beautifully polished floor.

"Oh...but I will Agent. I will. And when I'm done everyone in the world will cower before my army of armoured hamsters! Wha!ha!ha--ew--HENCHMEN. Clean that up! NOW!"

Next Week: Will Agent Nine's stomach feel any better? Can his vomit be cleaned up in time!!! And most important of all...ARMORED HAMSTERS OF DOOM TM.