In this paper, I’ll be comparing my past relationships with my present relationship with my loving girlfriend and soon to be wife. I’ll explain what I went through trying to be with these other women and what I did or didn’t do with my girlfriend compared to what I did with the other women. I will also mention the results on what I learned from each one and what I knew I wanted in a mate.

When I was younger I was deeply sprung by Sandra Racines. She was the very first person I ever fell in love with at the young age of 16. She was gorgeous. She had men problems just like every other 16 year old female did, but I used to think that I was the one that could make her happy so I started writing love letters and drown them in cologne. Each letter I wrote was pure heartfelt desire for her, but sadly she didn’t feel the same towards me because of my height and my young-looking face even though we were the very same age. But Sonji (my present girlfriend), as compared to Sandra, is just as gorgeous but the biggest difference between them is that Sonji loves me for me and doesn’t care how I look and isn’t as superficial as Sandra. Because of this experience I learned to look for someone who would love me for who I was.

Then 2 years later came Johanna. Granted, she was in a wheel chair and she was a bit on the talkative side but after what I learned from Sandra, I needed to look for someone wasn’t as superficial as she was. If I wanted someone that would love me for me I thought I would have to look for someone more in tune with her spiritual side. And I felt that Johanna was that one. She was poet and a singer. Even though she was challenged she had a soul of angel. I tried so hard that I did the same; I looked deep into my soul and became a writer and singer not for her but for myself to help search for what I wanted.

I wrote many poems and songs to her but alas, the way to her heart wasn’t from how much you love her is how much you willing to give her. Although now I know what wanted out of Sonji: she loves me not because I’m rich or handsome like a supermodel but because she loves me for me and is willing to be there for me if poor or rich or in the streets. That is what I call devotion and love.

Mil was a very attractive woman. I met her at the age of 22. She was very intelligent and spontaneous; she was the type that the moment you see her as you drive around she would stop traffic. She had the most enchanting eyes and personality. We went everywhere together and were inseparable. She was the only one that felt the same way I did but there was one issue that she never told me about. The reason we couldn’t be together was because her family had already began setting her up for an arranged marriage. And she only lived with me for a month I really didn’t do much with Mil. We met through her brother, who was my mother’s ex-boyfriend. She was from South Africa. But what I learned from this little set back was that I was on the right path on the type of woman I longed for. I know now I found that same enchanting feeling of love and sweetness with Sonji. She is as amazing as Mil was and more because I know she went through the same loneliness as I have.

Next was Ronica. Even though I never met her face to face, she was my first online love. She taught me many things about being an inner child yet at the same time being a dark gothic writer. She suffered many hardships as I did; she was beaten and raped and her family committed suicide when she was younger and she grew up with weight issue. I guess I felt the reason I loved her was because I knew where she was coming from and I felt the same thing as I did with Sandra: I wanted to be the one that would save her and give her a happy life that she never had. I wanted to show her that there was something to love. But as time past, we both become very dark and we both promised one other if we weren’t happy by the age of 30 that we would commit suicide and never be unhappy ever again. But our friendship grew apart and sadly I still worry about her but I can’t look back in my life. I want to break that promise. I need to do what’s necessary in order for me to be happy. And I know that with both Sonji and school I’ll be happy for the rest of my life. I know I will be loved and be successful not only as a paralegal but as human being for finding his purpose in life. What I’ve learned from Ronica is that you need to remember the things that make you suffer and depressed in order for you to realize what you want out of life and love. You have to learn what sacrifices you are willing to make to go and erase everything you’ve known for a life you never had.

Now to my beloved Sonji. We also met online. She is everything I ever searched for: not superficial or materialistic; she’s playful, understanding, and very positive; she’s very in tune with her spiritual side. Being around her has made me a changed man. I can’t ever think of my life without her. She has become my beacon of light.

In conclusion even in my youth I knew I wanted love and what type of mate I wanted. I thought any woman would be enough, but I guess after meeting these women it gave me more of an insight as to what my ideal woman or soul mate would be like and I’m glad that I finally found her.

"CAUSE AND AFFECT"

In this paper I’ll be talking about the cause and effects of depression from my point of view. From my childhood through manhood, I’ll describe how it affected me and what was the cause of my depression, as well as what I did to break away from it.

I grow up in Brooklyn NY. My depression started when I was 4. Usually at this age a child has no reason to be depressed. But I did: there I was watching Care Bears, a family-friendly show, until I looked backed and saw my mother shooting needles into herself. Right there and then I grew to be afraid of needles. I knew what she was doing: she was shooting drugs and I learned a few years later that she did every drug that was created even before I was born and this was because of my real father Walter Quiñonez or better known as “Wally”. He was a drug dealer and user and he showed that life to my mother at the age of ten. My mother was such a fiend for drugs that she would beat and steal from me even at the age of 4 because she could never control herself. Luckily for me, my father died in jail of Aids when I was 9 years old. Even though I never recovered from this I channeled this depression and turned it into pure hate towards my mother and the rest of my family who led their life the same way.

Well ironically around the time my father and mother broke up or was away, my mother had another husband that my father never knew about. His name was Lefty and he was also a user and my mother spawned another child, my little sister Christina Matos Perez. Now my sister didn’t come out with any illness like I did. But at the age of 3, my mother abandoned my sister and gave her up to my grandmother. And her father died in prison the very same way my father did.

Because I now lived without any father figures, had a drug user as a mother, and was without a sister I grew with another depression: Loneliness. I never had a real family and I felt left out whenever I saw kids with their moms and dads out in the parks or on TV shows being happy. I grew up not knowing what love from a real family was like. As much as I learned, I had to understand that life was not fair. And that started the chain reaction of me wanting to die. I had nothing to live for, no real mom or dad or sister.

I would never know what being happy was until I met my new stepfather Hector Anaya. Of course, I treated him the same way I would anyone else: I hated him because I thought he was the same as the others that came before him, nothing but a useless drug user. But luckily I was wrong. He became the real father I never had. He showed me how to be a real son and kid. He taught me things about baseball and many things about music and how to have a sense of humor. But my mother’s ignorance changed all that 16 years later. My father left and abandoned us. I was 17 and again fatherless.

Then came the one person in the world that I hate: Anthony Castro. This scum came and ruined my life. Not only was he doing drugs but he also was supplying my mother with it and selling out to my friend. The first day we met we fought. Then my own mother came and joined in beating me with this guy; choking me and hitting me with bats and throwing me around. After that I began having rage and wanted to take anything and stab myself. Trust me, depression was a huge factor in my life but at this stage I choose to lay in my bed and let death come to me. I began stopping and had seizures on a daily basis but I didn’t care. I wanted to die. I mean, why live when everything is so unfair? I had no father. I had to worry about being beaten or robbed or my mother dying from overdosing which sadly I was hoping for at my age.

The thing that kept adding to the depression created by my home life was my social life. I had no social life. I had a bunch of friends that were doing drugs themselves and having sex with anything that moves. But the only true friend I ever had was Derek Andreas he was handicapped. He had brain damage and he couldn’t walk right so he had to use a walker. We were blood brothers: no matter how people judged him I would defend him. 4 years later on my 2nd to 3rd year in high school I found out my friend Derek was murdered by his own father in a drunken rage. And here I was again lonely and depressed. This time I started to say “the hell with it”. I started going the same path as my mother. I did a little bit of weed and started drinking. I felt I had every right to let my mind be at ease even if it would turn me into a hypocrite. As always my common sense kicked in and I left drugs and drinking a month later.

So I began looking for another way out of this depression by looking deep into my soul and search for my dreams. I began writing poems and singing and dancing and now I found a reason to live; to struggle in this life and then abandon it and create a better future and forget my past. But I’ll never forget what I learned from it. I became reason for those who never knew what hope was and I learned through wisdom that “Before anything can get better things most always be worse” and vice versa. That’s my cause and effect of my life.