It's been a very difficult time for me for the past month and a half. I know some of you have been wondering what's up. I can't tell you everything, but I do owe all of you some kind of explanation.
As many of you remember, my family and I lost my nephew, Bryan, to cancer last New Year's Eve. That was devastating to me, although I had known since the previous April that his death was coming. That's when the doctors said there was nothing more that could be done.
In a way, I started grieving for him then. And I have continued to grieve all this time. Please don't misunderstand me: I've had some happy times in the last year and a half, many of them here with you all, but at the same time I've carried around a terrible sadness that never quite left me.
Early in August, that sadness deepened suddenly. At first I didn't understand why, but as I paid attention to where my thoughts drifted when I allowed them to flow freely it became clear: Bryan's birthday was approaching. That anniversary was on September 4. He would have turned 15 then.
It was as if my insides had filled up with lead. I was weighed down more heavily than I'd been at any time, even right after he died. I can't explain why it hit me so hard, not even to myself. It just did.
I won't blame anybody for not understanding. Just know that I couldn't deal with being around anybody for a time, so I isolated myself both here and, to the extent possible, in the "real" world.
I'm sorry if I caused anybody distress over me. I admit that I wasn't thinking about anybody but myself. That is something that I truly regret now and I ask your forgiveness.
How am I doing now? Much better. This past Wednesday I actually started feeling happy again. Truly happy, not just because of some external stimulus that made me laugh or anything, but happy from inside myself. I seem to have turned a corner in this journey, and I can't explain that any more than I can explain any other part of it. Once again, it just happened. Seasons change in the earth and in our lives. Maybe that's the only explanation that exists.
I hope I can reconnect with all my friends here. I'll be back on the forum in a couple of days, I promise. Meanwhile, I want to state that in all the time I was gone, I thought of you all often. I missed you and loved you and wanted to reach out to you - I just couldn't. But it's over now and I'm back, hoping to find open arms to receive me.
Yours always,
Susan