(Why? I'm awesome, that's why, shut the hell up.) How many video games have you beaten?...Pitiful. You know nothing of the big 700. Reaching that number is like your first time having sex. Times a million billion. Time slows down, and even the crappiest games are a little bit better. Except for Cyborg Justice. However, there is one bad thing about today: I have to review mediocre games. First one is HyperZone, a launch title for the original SNES. Why did I say original? Well, they remade it years later and called it the GBA . Back to HyperZone, it was also one of the few games early in the SNES's life that used Mode 7, that mode which allowed pseudo-3D effects. HyperZone whores out this concept, making the entire game just a Mode 7 tech demo. Which is what it should've been, not a full fledged game. You see, in this game, you shoot the hell out of anything in your path, Space Harrier flyle. The only difference is that you're limited to a certain part of the track at all times; navigate away from that part, and you get shocked to death. your health bar slowly (only not really) ebbing away. Yes, you have health in this game, and that's just about it. You only get one gun, one ship, and no power ups through all 8 levels. Sure, you get to charge it, but there are very few situations where charging is a good idea. A few boss battles, but that's it. As you can see, the game is stupidly simplistic. And that's the problem: I feel like there should be more to it, but there isn't. They could've added some homing missiles, spread shots, or even an accelerator (you have brakes, only used when you're over healing spots), but none of that is here. The graphics are also stupidly simplistic, looking like Paladin's Quest. However, unlike Paladin's Quest, I'll let that slide because A: it's a launch title, and B: it's Mode 7, neutralizing the effect. The music is just like the rest of the game: very simplistic, consisting of nothing more than drums and trumpets. Apparently, this wasn't limited to early JRPGs for the system. HyperZone had it, but trumpets have no place in the future. Read the Star Wars space-flying-intro thing. To wrap up this unwieldy review, the game should've been nothing more than a tech demo for trade shows at the time; there's far too little material here to make a full game. Imagine if I tried to review this game in proper review format (AKA "not a blog"). That would result in a HyperZone-esque review. So I give it the Russian Doll Award.

Now I know this is going to be hard, but remember back to th-NO LOOKING!-the beginning of this blog. Remember how I said I was going to review mediocre games? Well, here's the next one, only I kinda liked it: World of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. The title's a misnomer, since you barely see Donald Duck throughout the entire game. The story follows as thus: Mickey and Donald are getting ready for a magic show, and Donald somehow gets trapped in another world. Mickey goes in after him, somehow lacking the magic abilities to wield a golden key, beat the piss out of teen idols, and grow to gargantuan proportions to level an entire city in flame. However, he does have a magic cloak, and unlike the Mickey from Castle of Illusion, this does not require ammo. Already, this version is better. However, there is one weakness to the cloak: it f'ing sucks. The range is short, and there are several enemies that require multiple hits, but in a weird way. Some are normal, others require that second hit while they're in their flashing invincibility stage. The platforming itself is pretty decent, levels being more creative than they were in Castle. The only problem comes with what are loosely called "power-ups." At the end of every boss level, you get a new ability. However, they only come up when absolutely needed, and don't amount to much. Mickey says "alakazam" (because this couldn't fit), you press a button, and a flying thing appears. They're pretty shallow and uncreative, so why bother? The graphics are decent, and the music has that Disney feel, so at least it's good from an aesthetic point of view. But the gameplay could've been better. Again, power-ups. Maybe a Donald Duck mode, but I can deal with what I get. What I got was good, but not great. As I've nothing else to say, I give it the Mickey Mouse Fighting Game Award. And now...we party!....Where the hell is everybody?