Hi. i thought i'd post some one liners because they are just so funny and i can't stop laughing after i read some of them. uh, well, here you go...

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

Few women admit their age; few men act it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

I can handle pain until it hurts.

No matter where you go, you're there.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

It's been Monday all week.

Gravity always gets me down.

This statement is false.

They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Honk if you like peace and quiet.

The Big Bang Theory: God spoke and BANG! it happened.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like night.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Life is too complicated in the morning.

Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The last thing on Earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

I didn't use to finish sentences but now I

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

lol.

-andrea