Just a random thing that i found and thought it was too funny not to post on here

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think - they don't
do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the
one you've never tried.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion
that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your
other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal
with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the
dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than
coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and
throw away three weeks before you need it

20. There is always one more imbecile than you
counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move
the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Some one who thinks logically provides a nice
contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved & never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your
life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is
gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep
down inside we ALL believe that we are above
average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It
never fails.)

38. Your friends love you anyway.