This isn't exactly a "been gone for two months" blog: I hope to do one soon enough, because plenty has happened in that intervening period. No, today I will share some very recent heartache, some that I hope by sharing will lift me just a little. Where to start? At the beginning, I suppose.

There's a girl I've worked with for a year and a half and had a crush on forever, but because I don't have a spine or a stomach I never asked her out. We made out once at a Christmas party (we were both tipsy, but not drunk) and I told her somewhat how I felt, but neither of us ever followed up. She'd just ended a long-term relationship and I'm a long-time loner, so nothing was gonna happen. In the last couple of months (coinciding perfectly with my dead blogging habits, now that I think about it) I've seen her more, be it on the way to school, more shifts at work together, and random run-ins. I even asked for her help with a class she'd gotten A+ in last year, but when I say I have no spine, I mean it: just knowing she had no boyfriend made me stutter around her. I exude confidence and am always "on my game" if I know a girl is taken, so the fact that I could have a simple conversation with her without feeling like a complete idiot is a big deal to me. (An aside: I've gotten all my 'firsts:' flirting, kiss, sex, dirty phone calls, etc. Thing is, in that case it was her who did all the work, and I just went along with it. It worked out fine while it lasted, so I'm not speaking as a total rookie here). Thing is, when we're working together I feel nothing but platonic towards her: she's very pretty, has great hair and a killer butt, but I feel nothing more in those three to five hours. However, moments after departing work, all my thoughts turn to her. They're envious and jealous feelings, and I've known for a long time that I was out of the running. Since she so easily had to go get birth-control pills when we were hanging out one time, and "What if I meet someone tomorrow?" was her response when I asked her if she had to do it 'now,' I took the hint. I tried to distance myself by not walking her partway home after work, but even then she was still officially single. Well, now that's over.

The first hint I got was when I saw her Facebook status updated several days ago as "X is finally happy," which made my stomach turn, and throughout tonight she was constantly on her cellphone, talking in a tender, whispering voice. My boss said to her that he's "happy for her," and just an hour ago I saw that she'd changed her Facebook profle picture and relationship status after both have been stagnant for over a year, which is always a sign of things. The worst part, I feel, is that she looked right through me. I know, I know, I should've been more assertive, but I'm not a big party guy and I guess I'm wired wrong or something, due to TV and my previous relationships. Still, she rejects me and starts doing the freaknasty with some motherf***er she's known a month and gets wasted with in some shed until dawn. I don't know him, I've never met him and his Facebook profile is set to private, and God that makes me angry, and I have the sore knuckles, dented walls, shivers, loose keyboard buttons and noose-building instructions to prove it. But I'm not suicidal: that's no fun. So instead I bought fresh headphones because I'm going to wear out the ones I'm using playing these break-up songs far too loudly:

Daughtry - Over You
Bob Marley - No Woman, No Cry
Cutting Crew - (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight
The Police - Every Breath You Take
Three Days Grace - (I Hate) Everything About You
Puddle of Mudd - She (F***ing) Hates Me
Simple Plan - Your Love is a Lie
New Found Glory - My Friends Over You (this one describes me perfectly at the moment)
Tom Petty - You Don't Know How It Feels
Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
Simon & Garfunkel - I Am a Rock ("a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries")
Gin Blossoms - Found Out About You
Ben Folds Five - Song for the Dumped
Linkin Park - In the End
Disturbed - Stricken
Ratt - Round and Round
The Offspring - Self Esteem
Weezer - Perfect Situation (also perfect for my situation)
Bon Jovi - You Give Love a Bad Name
Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Adam Sandler - Somebody Kill Me
J. Geils Band - Love Stinks
Louis Armstrong - What a Wonderful World (I need something to pick me up, don't I?)

Depressing and angry songs that make me feel better, and I've also deleted a whole lot of songs that remind me of her from my iPod. (If I ever hear "Mr. Brightside" again, I will kill myself.) I know my anger shouldn't be directed at her, but what can I say? It's totally wrong but I do partly blame her, and rational thought and red-hot emotion do not mix. I just don't want to feel worse.

I keep wanting to say "I hope you die, you b!tch" in my head, but how can I? I think I can still consider her a friend. Besides, I know this whole thing is my fault: I just could never tell her how I really felt, if I did indeed feel that way and didn't just want to make out and touch her boobs again, which is a definite possibility, but either way I've officially blown it. However, this is likely a good thing; now that she finally has a boyfriend maybe I won't be such a nervous wreck around her when we work together again, like with all the other girls. Still, this is really gonna suck for a while.

I hate feeling emo, but writing all of this has helped me feel a bit better, so a big thank you to whoever reads this. (***personal obligatory game reference, being Gamespot and all***) Before blogging, not even my two new Rock Band Track Packs helped me feel better; forget black, I'm back in blue at the moment.